If you are not a nutritional expert like me, then you will probably not know this about bread. It has carbs, which means some people avoid bread and it other gang members like the bulbonic plague. If bread was a person, it would be one of those unassuming people, perhaps a co-worker or friend on facebook that posts the same old boring status updates day after day, that would perhaps mix it up every once in a while with a funny post taken from someone else. Then one day, like a ninja they would attack your stomach repeatedly and all of a sudden you have a large bruise on your belly that won’t go away without diet, exercise or surgery.
Bread, like cola sodas, comes in all kind of varieties. There’s French bread, Irish bread, Greek Bread, Russian Pumpernickel, multigrain, cornbread, bagettes, bagels, breadsticks, and Scandanavian cracked bread. Bread makes you think that it is versatile and different, but it’s not. If people are going to have to put up with all those bitter carbs they are just going to stick with the Coke or Pepsi of the bread world. White or wheat.
Though bread may start off wanting to be your friend, giving you sustinence from its life giving wheat like properties, if left alone too long in its specially created “bread drawer” it will soon turn evil. You may not even see it at first, but it will start to develop a dark mold spot that will soon turn it evil and turn you viley sick.
Bread is a masochist. It is always wanting to be sliced, cut, toasted, burnt, used to mop up other things, wants to be glued together and is insanely jealous of Pop Tarts.
Bread can’t make up its mind. First it wants to be sliced, then it wants to be put back together. It wants to be glued together with it other half by stuff like mayonaise, peanut butter, jelly, yet they are always allowing things to come between them like meats, cheeses, tomatoes or bacon. They just can’t make up their minds.
Bread never cleans up after itself. It’s always leaving crumbs everywhere. It’s bad enough that I have to clean up after my kids (every once in a while anyways) but I shouldn’t have to clean up after bread or its sunburnt cousin toast. They can be pretty crummy that way.
I will continue my crusade of educating people about the bitterness of bread, but mostly I will be trying to rid this earth of all its bread. Join me on my bitter quest.
Bitter Bread Ben