One time I had a dream (not an aspiration in life, but the sleeping kind) in which I was being chased by zombies or a generic federal agent (I don’t remember. My dreams are so lame, bitter and unremarkable, that I wonder why I bother sleeping at all.). The agent or zombie kept trying to intimidate me into running away because they were so scary. But I didn’t run. It wasn’t because they weren’t scary or intimidating. They were. When someone has an FBI badge on, you know if you don’t run or comply, your fate will be years of empty threats (Thanks every federal agent show on TV). And don’t get me started about what will happen if you don’t run from a zombie. Your brains will get eaten and you will become a zombie. (Is that such a bad thing? See Zombie Apacolypse Bitterness.) The reason why I didn’t run? Well, I’ve got bad knees, a bad back, heartburn and I’m lazy. Why would I want run, with no hope of escaping?
Even in my dreams, I can’t get motivated to run at the threat of a zombie. So, you’ve probably guessed that I don’t like running when I am awake. So that is why I have decided to start my own Bitter 5K race. Why in the world would I want to start my own 5K? There are thousands of new 5K’s out there and they are getting more entertaining and interesting everyday. There is the Color 5K, the Hot Chocolate 5K, a Foam Fest 5K and even and Electric Run (Is this a competition to see who gets electricity this month? Sign me up…to watch.) It is clear to me that people despise running, so organizers of 5K’s are doing just about anything they can to make people forget why running is so miserable.
The Bitter 5K will do quite the opposite. We will custom match the racers style to a bitter experience for everyone.
The casual racer. These are the ones that decided the night before they would show up, but haven’t practiced running in 25 years, and throw on their sweatshirt and hope for a leisurely walk. Their race will be an army style crawl through darkened caves, a run through a simulated mine field and a race for their lives from real FBI agents.
The “social” racer. These are ones that have a whole group of friends that are essentially just there to talk and maybe walk a little.They will be split up from the beginning with a group of anti-socialites and have to compete Gundam style in a corn maze that could take them hours to complete. They won’t see their friends for days.
The fashionista racer. They show up in the newest, shiniest shoes and brand new “workout clothes”. Their race will start with a bizzaro car wash, where instead of getting clean, they get dirty. They will then change into a pair of military green fatigues along with their own personal drill sargent that will scream at them the whole 26 miles to go faster, to quit being such a baby and crying about how they just want to go home.
The serious racer. These are hard core competitors who want to win the “rumored” $5000 grand prize. They will start on a path that looks like a trail, but is really just one big long treadmill going 10 miles per hour against them. Even though they are running at high speed they will not be able to keep up with the bitter turtles racing by them.
Other touches will include discouragement along the way by a bitter crowd, schadenfreude, and water cups that are actually filled with gravy. The thing all racers will have in common is a bitter disappointment with their race experience. The Bitter 5K will raise awareness about how running just isn’t that fun, nor really that good for you. It will also raise awareness about where you shouldn’t put your money, because of where the money goes(I promise not my wallet. Bank account maybe, but not my wallet.) So start
torturing yourselves running and get ready for an experience you will want to forget. The Bitter 5K is coming to a town near you! Registry begins soon.
Bitter CouchK Ben
- Friday Work Pictures Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- In case you missed the Bitterness… (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Insurance Commercials (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)