Bitter 5K

My dreams

My chase dream was exactly like this except I was laying on the couch not running.

One time I had a dream (not an aspiration in life, but the sleeping kind) in which I was being chased by zombies or a generic federal agent (I don’t remember.  My dreams are so lame, bitter and unremarkable, that I wonder why I bother sleeping at all.).  The agent or zombie kept trying to intimidate me into running away because they were so scary.  But I didn’t run.  It wasn’t because they weren’t scary or intimidating.  They were.  When someone has an FBI badge on, you know if you don’t run or comply, your fate will be years of empty threats (Thanks every federal agent show on TV).  And don’t get me started about what will happen if you don’t run from a zombie.  Your brains will get eaten and you will become a zombie.  (Is that such a bad thing? See Zombie Apacolypse Bitterness.) The reason why I didn’t run?  Well, I’ve got bad knees, a bad back, heartburn and I’m lazy.  Why would I want run, with no hope of escaping?

Not even these scary guys can get me to run.  Hey, I've got bad knees, give me a break.

Not even these scary guys can get me to run. Hey, I’ve got bad knees, give me a break.

Even in my dreams, I can’t get motivated to run at the threat of a zombie.   So, you’ve probably guessed that I don’t like running when I am awake.   So that is why I have decided to start my own Bitter 5K race. Why in the world would I want to start my own 5K? There are thousands of new 5K’s out there and they are getting more entertaining and interesting everyday.  There is the Color 5K, the Hot Chocolate 5K, a Foam Fest 5K and even and Electric Run (Is this a competition to see who gets electricity this month? Sign me up…to watch.) It is clear to me that people despise running, so organizers of 5K’s are doing just about anything they can to make people forget why running is so miserable.

The Bitter 5K will do quite the opposite. We will custom match the racers style to a bitter experience for everyone.

The casual racer. These are the ones that decided the night before they would show up, but haven’t practiced running in 25 years, and throw on their sweatshirt and hope for a leisurely walk. Their race will be an army style crawl through darkened caves, a run through a simulated mine field and a race for their lives from real FBI agents.

Have I got a fun run for you.

Have I got a fun run for you.

The “social” racer.  These are ones that have a whole group of friends that are essentially just there to talk and maybe walk a little.They will be split up from the beginning with a group of anti-socialites and have to compete Gundam style in a corn maze that could take them hours to complete. They won’t see their friends for days.

The fashionista racer.  They show up in the newest, shiniest shoes and brand new “workout clothes”. Their race will start with a bizzaro car wash, where instead of getting clean, they get dirty.  They will then change into a pair of military green fatigues along with their own personal drill sargent that will scream at them the whole 26 miles to go faster, to quit being such a baby and crying about how they just want to go home.

No need to dodge fire. Just run on treadmill at 10 MPH for hours.

No need to dodge fire. Just run on treadmill at 10 MPH for hours.

The serious racer.  These are hard core competitors who want to win the “rumored” $5000 grand prize. They will start on a path that looks like a trail, but is really just one big long treadmill going 10 miles per hour against them.  Even though they are running at high speed they will not be able to keep up with the bitter turtles racing by them.

Other touches will include discouragement along the way by a bitter crowd, schadenfreude, and water cups that are actually filled with gravy. The thing all racers will have in common is a bitter disappointment with their race experience.  The Bitter 5K will raise awareness about how running just isn’t that fun, nor really that good for you.  It will also raise awareness about where you shouldn’t put your money, because of where the money goes(I promise not my wallet.  Bank account maybe, but not my wallet.)  So start torturing yourselves running and get ready for an experience you will want to forget. The Bitter 5K is coming to a town near you! Registry begins soon.


Bitter CouchK Ben



53 thoughts on “Bitter 5K

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  4. Beside the fact that I don’t have a clue what 5K are, you shouldn’t have to grapple with runnig at alll! What about that: I draw you a weelchair and you come around for a stroll and I cart you a little 😉 squeak squeak


  5. I hate running too. I have to chase my chickens around the yard because they are occasionally too stupid to load up into the hen house. The ‘occasionally’ leads me to believe they do it on purpose to watch me run. It’s a bitter thing to find a flock of chickens deaking and dodging around the yard snickering.


  6. What are you? The social activities director for the lower echelons of hades?
    p.s. don’t forget to take away all ipads etc. from the socialites as they’re wandering through the corn maze, or their friends will tell them how to get out.


    • I am the director of bitterness. So not so much a place like Hades, but more of a feeling like…well bitterness. They can keep their Ipads. They should just know that there is no Wifi in there and there is a high likelihood that they will not survive the maze. Muhahabitter…


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