Because it is my 200th post, I’ve decided that it is about time that I start my own Hall of Bitterness. Besides, it is that time of year again (by again I mean the first time), where we dishonor the most Bitter People on the Planet that I call the United Countries of Bitterness(UCB) because earth is too general and weird of a name for a planet (So we are named after dirt? Good plan!)
The Hall of Bitterness is modeled after the Hall of Fame (baseball, basketball, football or otherwise), in every way, except for all of them. Instead of honoring the most famous and best players in a sport, it is more of a Shrine of the Most Bitter People on the UCB. Instead of an actual building that has a hall where pictures and paraphanelia and plaques and actual awards are put, it’s more of a place inside my head. Don’t worry though, there is plenty of space in there considering how little of my head I actually use. Of course, there isn’t enough room for any human being to fit in there. I mean, my head isn’t that big! So, you will have to just use your own imagination to see what it actually looks like. But I can tell you who is in there. This year the official inductees into the Hall of Bitterness are:
Caught in Traffic that is Going to make Him Late for Job He Can’t Stand Guy
Traffic Guy: I’d like to be bitter towards all those people who have made the beginning of my day as miserable as when I get to work. Just when I start having the worst day at work since yesterday, I imagine my two hour commute home, in my non air conditioned car and I remember how misery can really be. I’m so glad that I came to this awards ceremony at the peak of traffic so I can imagine how miserable I will be on my three hour commute home. Really, thanks a lot Bitter Ben for “bestowing” upon me this honor. Arrrgggghhhh!
Hans Gruber: Hold on. Can’t talk right now. I’m about to take some money from the Nakatomi Plaza and this stupid John McClane cop guy is just kind of being a bother. As soon as I take care of him I’ll be right with you. It’s fine, he’s got his hands up and I have his wife hostage. Nothing bad can happen. Wait, is that Christmas wrapping tape on his back? OH nooooo! Well, all I have to say while I am falling from this building in slow motion is I could have been a multi millionaire, sitting on the beach collecting 20% if it was for this stupid, barefoot, John Wayne wannabe NY cop. Don’t worry though. My brother will avenge me. Wait, what? There’s a third one of these? Nooooo!
Guy with Family stuck at Disneyland for 5 days.
Angry Disney Dad: I want to dedicate this to all the other fathers who wanted to sit on the couch and enjoy the 5 days off of work, but instead decided that it would be more fun to pay for a nice hotel, airfare, and entrance to a park that encourages waiting in lines, paying $20 for parking and $50 for a hot dog and has more souvenir shops than actual rides. Did I mention all the walking? How could I possibly have more fun sitting at home on the couch doing whatever I want? Spending time with other crazed lunatics is much more fun. Thanks for this Bitter Hall of Fame induction, but I couldn’t possibly accept it when I am at the Happiest Place on Earth!
Voldemort: I want to dedicate this induction to the Hall of Bitters to He who I can’t stand, Harry Potter. Dude hardly figured out how to do magic and somehow figured out what a Horcrux was and what the Deathly Hallows were, and how to kill all of mine and how to use the Deathly Hallows all in one year. He even get Severus Snape to betray me. And Severus hated him. Blast that fool kid. One stupid kid was my downfall. Arrrrggghhh.
Dwight Shrute: As assisstant Regional Manager, I accept your award as I am a way better salesman than Jim Halpert. He is lazy and a rule breaker and knows way less about ninjas than I do. Wait, you are making him co-manager? I am also a way better salesperson than Andy Bernard. Clearly Angela doesn’t love him at all. Wait, now he is he the Regional Sales Manager after Micheal leaves? Arrrggh, Dang it Jim!
So does anyone agree or disagree with the Hall of Famers? (Cause I don’t care. I made this place.) Any nominations for next year? (Or when I feel like doing the next one?)
Bitter Hall of Fame Ben
- Birch Bay Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Friday Friday Friday Picture Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)