I’ve got an issue with something. I know right? There’s a first for everything. Just pay attention because this is really important to me and no one else. I watch a lot of things on television, mostly from my peripheral because I’m almost always on my laptop reading what smart people have to say (bloggers) or reading about what stupid people do (celebrities and news). Don’t be jealous that I am such a good multitasker. It is a talent to not only ignore your television, but also to gloss over what I am reading and ignoring my kids all at the same time. In the midst of doing all three things really badly, I’ve amateurishly noticed a patterns in a lot of “reality” shows on television. In addition to allowing almost anyone on there (besides me. I have a face for radio, and a voice for Sleep Country), there are a whole bunch of shows across the TLC/HGTV/Food Network/History/Discovery Conglomerate Channel that are on a mission to rescue every
idiot badly managed family/house/restaurant/failing business/person that has ever been created.
So what is my issue? These shows have done a solid for almost every house in America and Canada. Except mine. I’ve been ignored for 8 seasons of Trading Spaces, which was fine for me, because they made you work on some other idiot’s house (your neighbor? Why would I ever want to interact with them?). That wasn’t enough for some people so Extreme Home Makeover was created to knock down the dilapidated houses of desperate people (can I at least get my stuff out?). The family sent on an Extreme Vacation(What can be more extreme than Disney?) while the destruction and recontruction of your house happened in seven days. Problem is that you needed to have the biggest sob story in the history of mankind. I sent in my application once because I had a cold that lasted three days, and our heater was a few degrees off, but I’m still waiting to hear back from them on that one. (I know the show has been cancelled, but call me. You don’t even have to film it.)
So I have failed to get my extremely unfair house makeover. Just another reason to be bitter. Thankfully there are other shows that should be calling me. Hey Robert Irvine, how about your team over at Restaurant Impossible call me about my failing restaurant? Just because I don’t have a restaurant doesn’t mean I can’t go to some abandoned building, set up a few tables, put up a cardboard sign, put a rusty stove in there and claim it is my restaurant. Hey, I saw and abandoned building that looked much better than the one you fixed the other day. What about you, Bill Rancic, and your team over at We Mean Business, my business needs a makeover, how about you stop on by? So it is just a blog and it doesn’t make any money, but it could for a few days if people knew you were stopping by. Could you do an extreme makeover on the look of the “structure”? Could your technology lady upgrade my browser so I don’t keep getting viruses on my computer? Or are you just too busy trying to help failures that don’t care about your work? (I promise to ignore your advice and go back to the way I was doing things before, if you come “rescue” my business.)
Fine, so no one will save my house or business. How about helping me lose weight extremely? I promise to at least get off the couch once to answer the door if you come Extreme Weight Loss people. (Okay, maybe I will make my kid get the door. But I will stop eating pizza on the couch if you make the effort to come to my house all the way from Florida. I’m nice like that.) I promise that I will make a good “before” picture. I will breathe heavily when I walk and I even promise to drive to a gym and hire a look-a-like to run on the treadmill for me. I promise that I will join you in a “dream” tropical location of my choice, so I can show you how I fell “just short” (100 pounds) of my goal of losing 15 pounds in the 3rd quarter. I will do a fun day walk to make up for my failure. And I promise to have the type of body “that is a good candidate for surgery”. I promise to say that this is a “life changing event” every two minutes to fulfill the show requirements.
So maybe my story isn’t extreme enough for any of the “life changing” shows. Well, fine I guess I’m going to start my own show on the Bitter Entertainment Network(B.E.N) and call it, you guessed it, “Extreme Bitter Makeover”, where we take unflinchingly upbeat, happy and joyous people and send them to my bitter boot camp and teach them how to overcome their extremely annoying happiness. Start sending your applications now, 5 Americans and 3 Canadians who haven’t appeared on a reality show yet. We need to transform your happiness to extreme bitterness.
Extremely Bitter Ben