My childhood played a bitterly cruel trick on me. Why? Because according to 1-13 year old Bitter Ben, I was supposed to get a mandatory 3 month summer vacation and I was forced to have fun. Summers were a bitter time where I was supposed to do run around without purpose, play bitterly cruel pranks on old people (my parents) and I was supposed to get lost in a forest somewhere for three days. 1-13 year old Bitter Ben and summer movies lied to me about a lot of things. Like these things below.
The weather. It should be so bitterly hot that I should burn everytime I step outside. I should stick to the sidewalk everytime I step and my skin should burn so bad that the sun should be jealous of how hot I am. Also it should be so bright that I should want to wear shades even at night. Unless I was misinformed as a young person the sun isn’t supposed to look like a bunch of clouds and its brightness shouldn’t look exactly like rain.
The movies. Summer movies are supposed to be loud, actiony explosion riddled affairs. Action heros should get in car chases that involve driving off the top of 40 story building, bailing out without a parachute, landing onto a moving car, grab the window, and a soda while hopping into the villians car without so much as getting a scratch, only to lose at the last second to the bitter villian. So far, all the movies that have come out this summer have failed miserably at this one tiny request of mine. Two bitter thumbs down.
The two week vacation. There was nothing like the family defining trip each summer where my dad took two weeks off of work so that we could cram our whole family of seven into a van where it was hot, there was nothing to do and we got to pretend we liked each other, when deep down inside were arguing loudly at each other about every little thing that annoyed us about each other. This way we could truly learn to resent each other outwardly, instead of passive aggressively. There was nothing like annoying other tourists by trying to get them to take a picture of us at the World’s Largest Cat Hairball while trying to perfect our bitter stares at each other. It always brought us farther apart and made us want to spend less time together.
As I have grown older, I find that my bitter summer resentment comes from working all day, every day, just like every other day of fall, winter and spring and I think back to those bitter days of summer where I stayed home all day, every day, and was bitter because I didn’t have a job so I could have money to buy things like Slurpees that I would drop as soon as I bought them and have to resent my friend as they drank theirs. Yes, summer just isn’t the same as back then.
Arrghhhh
Bitter Sunburned Ben
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if you burn that easily I can only guess that not only are you bitter but possibly a bitter red head? I guess this because I am married to a bitter red head. For my wife: Red hair + Green eyes + Sun = bad sun burnt bitter choice
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Nope. I live in Seattle where the sun comes out to play once a year and we are attracted to it like a bug to a zapper. And sunscreen just feels to gross on the skin.
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Howdy Bitter friend,
I suppose you’re bitter that you have white skin that gets sunburnt so easily. If you were a person of color you could withstand the sunburn.
But then again, when not under the sun, you could be bitter because life as a Black (Afro-American) man would suck anyway compared to white skin privilege?…. hmmmmm
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I’m bitter because of a lot of things. Pain just happens to be one of many.
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You must come to G-Land soon. Rain ALL DAY LONG grrrr ! Does your kids on a side trip also ask for loo within the first 3 miles?
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They would almost die if they had to fly all the way to Germany, but too bad. They need to just deal. I need a trip to Germany.
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i want to see what happens when the Whitehouse puts Chuckie on hold.
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What White House? He has already decimated it.
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Bitterly humid too
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Yes it is right now. And it is only quarter to 9.
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Oooh, sunburn – that’s awful! Speaking of road trips & cars made me think of this kid’s book called Knucklehead. There is an incredibly hilarious chapter involving a long, hot, packed car trip, and a cat…
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Is it a kids book that you use in the classroom? Or a little too young for your students? You teach 6th right? Probably way too young. When we do the road trips my kids start asking if we are there yet before we even start…
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I’ve read it to my kids before. It is technically a kids book with some kid humor, but there are def pieces that we can all find hilarious. I saw the author speak years ago, and he was hilarious. He also wrote the Stinky Cheeseman. It’s a twisted kind of humor at times.
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Twisted humor is one of my favorites. Can I be in your class that day?
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We’ll skype you in…it’s pretty funny, especially since I can barely get through some of the chapters without cracking up…
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Skype sounds like a good idea. Or I could use my video phone and see if you could buy a video phone and we can do it that way…or not.
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I think you’re my new best friend. A co-worker once told me that I exuded hatred. I never thought I would find someone who not only gets that but revels in it. By the way, thanks for liking my post. I’m just a little bitter that you didn’t “follow”:)
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My co-workers noticed that I didn’t like my job after a while (they were a little slow as I pretty much hated it from the beginning). Some day I will quit and just write bitter blogs for a living and make hundreds of dollars a year.
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What are you talking about? I am following you. How dare you make bitter accusations of me.
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Keep your chin down and the moon at your back. I guarantee that as you get older things will get worse.
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I’m bitter to hear that. Don’t worry though, I don’t plan on living to a bitter old age. Though most could call me a bitter old man right now.
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Haha, wow. That’s a funny station wagon picture! How’s your sunburn?? LOL
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Red as ever. One time I was in California with my best friend from college and we decided to go kayaking for about 4 hours. I put on level 4 SPF and only once. I was so burnt and so miserable and in pain, I couldn’t even sleep and only found relief with 4 Advils and some aloe. I was hurting for a week.
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my condolences, BB. i also am ‘sun sensitive’ and sometimes can only sleep with a full body mudpack.
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I only have to be out in the sun for like 14 hours before I start getting a little red.
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you ARE sensitive! i redden on refrigerator bulbs, myself…
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You should probably have a doctor look into that. Perhaps give you a pill that makes you less pail….Also good thing you live in really sun averse Canada.
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I’m grabbing a quick bit of summer vacation next week and it includes a road trip, so I’m hoping to recapture some of that “kid” summer feeling. (Minus the bitterness.)
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Congrats to you for reliving your childhood. I guess yours wasn’t as bitter as mine.
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This is the worst part about being in the real world. Summer isn’t summer! anymore. It’s just like any other miserable working season but with better weather that I can’t even enjoy.
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That is my point. We have all this good weather and entertainment all around us and we sit in the stupid office hoping we could see a window so we could at least look at the weather we are missing.
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Exactly. The other day when they had the Blackhawks parade downtown, we had to watch from the window with our noses pressed up against the glass like zoo animals.
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I know how hard it is for you to celebrate a championship. The only thing that draws celebrations around here is riots and legalizing pot.
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There’s nothing quite like cramming your entire family into a car that isn’t technically or legally big enough for you, packed to the gills with bags of things you probably won’t need but are certain you can’t live a week without. Such is the joy of vacations with a big family. (And we’re a family of eight, so I should know).
Also, if vacations started or middled like that photo above, it would be pretty much amazing. Or possibly a nightmare, like in the Goofy movie.
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We had a family of seven so you have us beat. All I know is that I remember being miserable for most of the time on vacations. We camped most of the time and most of the time we were at those free ones that didn’t have toilets, or even accessabile water.
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Well you might have me beat – we have never gone camping. We’ve stayed in a cabin before, but never camping. Mostly we’re just squished in together wherever we go because they don’t make rooms or tables or anything big enough for us.
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Vacation places discriminate against big families. So bitter about that. You never went camping? My dad made me and my brothers set up the tent all the time too.
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Yep, I’m bitter about it too. Restaurants are the same way. Camping isn’t really either of my parents’ thing. We stayed in a cabin a few times, but that it. Of course I have camped before – us kids used to camp in our backyard in the summer.
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My kids have done that this summer. I put up the tent and put all their stuff in there, then slept inside. Then the next day, I got to clean out the tent for them and take it down. It was great.
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Haha, yep that sounds about right. But all of us are old enough now that Mom wouldn’t let us get away with not cleaning up our mess. :p
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But I’m sure your dad would still set it up for you.
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Oh of course he would. Dad would do practically anything I asked him.
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You’ve got him wrapped up around your little finger, just like I would do anything my little girl.
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It’s a gift. Plus I consider my dad one of my best friends, which may be weird, but then I don’t care much was conventional society thinks is normal or not.
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Dads are awesome to have as best friends. Especially when it comes to watching Superman with.
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Oh absolutely. We are currently re-watching The New Adventures of Superman: Lois and Clark for the third time and enjoying it just as much this time as the first two times.
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I guess you guys are Superfriends.
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Bahahahahaha yes we are. 🙂
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And yet you are a double agent because you are also part of the Creators of Chaos too. You are both a hero and a villian.
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It’s a hard life. But fun. 🙂
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Evil and ambiguity is always more fun.
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Don’t I know it. 😀
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Here I was sailing along, enjoying this post, and all of a sudden I came to the instantly dropped slurpee and it went over the top to love this post )
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Sorry it had such a bitter ending. I will make sure it is much bitterer next time.
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Are you bitter about how cool Chuck Norris is?
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I bitter about Chuck being so powerful. But on the other hand, I think he is bitter about not being as bitter about me.
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I am sure Chuck Norris invented bitterness…
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Chuck invented it, I perfected it.
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Lol…
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Laying on leather.
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Then Chuck kicked your ass…
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And of course I was bitter about it. Not everyone can say they were destroyed by the Chuckster.
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I love the decepticon back ground, I have a love hate relationship with them. And a fellow redditor, nice. I am bitter about being pale, and getting a derpy tan line.
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Well the Decepticons are my peeps because I taught them how to be bitter towards one another and the Autobots. I am pretty bitter about Reddit because they used to get me a lot of views, but then they stopped allowing me to do my posts there because no one was upvoting me. Bitter about Reddit.
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I’m bitter about reddit too, since the people on there dont seem to get my humor. Now I’m more of a bitter lurker.
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I am bitter former reader of reddit. If they ever make me famous, I will change my mind about it.
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People work in the summer? This is why I have a job with summers off. This job has ruined me for regular employment.
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I forgot about the teachery types, but I’m sure all you bitterness toward the kids you teach make up for the time you get away from them during the summer right?
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