Door Bitterness

Yesterday this blog jumped the shark.  I blame being 40 and taxes.  They are both inevitible right?

Yesterday this blog jumped the shark. I blame being 40 and taxes. They are both inevitable right?

I would like to apologize for yesterday’s post.  As I tweeted yesterday, if that post were a hit TV show, that would have been the moment that the show jumped the shark.  It was rushed, and unimaginative and my bitter post made even me bitter.

You know that expression, “When one door closes another windows opens?”  If I was in charge of expressions, the bitter version would be: “When a door is closed, we need to open the window too because it is too hot in here!” or “Can you kids close that door behind you?  And keep the windows closed too, because if you don’t spiders and bees and that neighbor kid will just keep coming in.”

In my mind, doors are supposed to do things.  Like for instance, keep the bitter stuff out.  Our door is supposed to keep Girl Scouts, door to door salespeople, and of course the neighborhood kids away.  But everytime I turn around the door with the help of my little kids keeps opening and allowing them to come in.  The door should do its job by safely keeping itself closed regardless of how hard or gently the kids pull it open.  Because of this neglect, I now have 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, have bought new windows for my house(which also open to allow people in) and the neighborhoodlems somehow keep creeping in.  Next thing you know, the door is going to allow the people sized ants from the Orkin commercials to come right in.  I understand that some people think that it is nice to allow people in, but they are wrong.  Never let anyone in your house, no matter how nice they seem or how much like your parents they look like.

Also works for neighbor kids.

Also works for neighbor kids.

Doors are supposed to close. I have more doors than I can count at my house that think they can stay open until all hours of the morning.  We have a strict curfew of 2 am but clearly they are out “swinging” until much later than that.  Screen doors are flying in the wind, our media cabinet door that covers up our DVD’s and CD’s falls off whenever we open it, and some doors just fall off their hinges like they fell asleep at the job.  I think it is time to do some laying off around here.

Some wardrobe doors are so special they get their own rope to keep people out.  Perhaps if I did that solicitors and neighbors kids would stay out?

Some wardrobe doors are so special they get their own rope to keep people out. Perhaps if I did that solicitors and neighbors kids would stay out?

Doors are supposed to be portals.  We’ve all seen them, the door on the wardrobe cabinet from the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.  A cool portal to a place that isn’t here.  How about all those doors in the Matrix?  Those lead to cool fighting scenes,deep philisophical thought and lots of TV screens.  Where are these doors in my house?  Where is my portal to work? (Never mind, don’t want that one.)  Where is my portal door to the training room where I learn kung fu and Jujitsu?  How about the portal to Hawaii?  Perhaps if I just fix the DVD drawer it will turn into a portal of magicness and fun.  But of course, that doesn’t happen to me.  Bitter doors.

The B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness has doors that will eat you or only half transport you to something cool.

The B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness has doors that will eat you or only half transport you to something cool.

When the B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness opens I promise that the doors will creak, and not quite work right and only transport half of you to Hawaii and the other half to Siberia.  That will teach our young ones bitterness.  Not quite getting what they want.  In the meantime, I’m going to go fix my DVD door and be bitterly disappointed when it doesn’t teach me to be a ninja.


Bitter Doork Ben


48 thoughts on “Door Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Bitter Pill Pictures of the Week | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. After leaving my last job at a window and DOOR replacement company, this post made me extremely bitter thinking about just how shitty that job was. In non-bitter news, my Jimmy Johns tuna sandwich is being delivered to me not so freakishly fast as I type.


  3. I did not thoroughly enjoy this bitter post at all. I did not smile or feel good while reading or smirk bitterly at ‘neighborhoodlems and magicness’. Thank you for nothing.


  4. “When God closes a door, He opens a window”… This is not a true Biblical quote, so it isn’t even true. I can understand how it can make one bitter. The reality is: If God slams a door in your face, He’s mad, and if He’s mad, you’re in DEEP DO-DO.


  5. > or only half transport you to something cool < LOL VERY GOOD IDEA Hey I could need your great thechnologie. Since 3 days my cheeky dog visits the neighbours. I don't know where he squeezes through the fence??? With your tool I could him spell for example into the ante room of the vet a place he very much dislikes ! Guess my neighbours share your door bitterness when my shaggy dog sits in their kitchen….. GREAT POST


  6. I used to be the happiest person I know. Not bitter at all. You have converted me. Now I am bitter that I would rather read your hilarious, well written and yet bitter posts than do my job. 🙂 Jerk.


  7. I think revolving doors are the worst and probably resulted in the phrase, “Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you” after one of them spun around and smacked someone in their ass and onto the floor.


  8. Have faith you will be a ninja yet. Hey getting girlscout cookies isn’t the WORST thing in the world. You should tell your kids not to open the door anymore!


    • Especially when you have already given them your life savings and yet another girl comes over with puppy dog eyes, then you run into them later at the grocery store and have to take out a mortgage to pay for some more.


  9. everyone has an off day (typed by the guy that both published his first work and got laid off after saving the company $12K and landing an contract they didn’t want)
    just breath and move on. your still batting at least 900


      • Everyday in Utah is a missed opportunity to have fun. My family took a trip to Salt Lake City only to be disappointed by the underwhelming ‘Great’ Lake everyone kept raving about. Hours of driving and then traipsing through the mud resulted in seconds of floating and the realization that we could have spent this time traveling to awesome places with better bodies of salt water like the California coast. Trust me, there is absolutely nothing great about any of the lakes in Utah.


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