I would like to apologize for yesterday’s post. As I tweeted yesterday, if that post were a hit TV show, that would have been the moment that the show jumped the shark. It was rushed, and unimaginative and my bitter post made even me bitter.
You know that expression, “When one door closes another windows opens?” If I was in charge of expressions, the bitter version would be: “When a door is closed, we need to open the window too because it is too hot in here!” or “Can you kids close that door behind you? And keep the windows closed too, because if you don’t spiders and bees and that neighbor kid will just keep coming in.”
In my mind, doors are supposed to do things. Like for instance, keep the bitter stuff out. Our door is supposed to keep Girl Scouts, door to door salespeople, and of course the neighborhood kids away. But everytime I turn around the door with the help of my little kids keeps opening and allowing them to come in. The door should do its job by safely keeping itself closed regardless of how hard or gently the kids pull it open. Because of this neglect, I now have 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, have bought new windows for my house(which also open to allow people in) and the neighborhoodlems somehow keep creeping in. Next thing you know, the door is going to allow the people sized ants from the Orkin commercials to come right in. I understand that some people think that it is nice to allow people in, but they are wrong. Never let anyone in your house, no matter how nice they seem or how much like your parents they look like.
Doors are supposed to close. I have more doors than I can count at my house that think they can stay open until all hours of the morning. We have a strict curfew of 2 am but clearly they are out “swinging” until much later than that. Screen doors are flying in the wind, our media cabinet door that covers up our DVD’s and CD’s falls off whenever we open it, and some doors just fall off their hinges like they fell asleep at the job. I think it is time to do some laying off around here.
Doors are supposed to be portals. We’ve all seen them, the door on the wardrobe cabinet from the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. A cool portal to a place that isn’t here. How about all those doors in the Matrix? Those lead to cool fighting scenes,deep philisophical thought and lots of TV screens. Where are these doors in my house? Where is my portal to work? (Never mind, don’t want that one.) Where is my portal door to the training room where I learn kung fu and Jujitsu? How about the portal to Hawaii? Perhaps if I just fix the DVD drawer it will turn into a portal of magicness and fun. But of course, that doesn’t happen to me. Bitter doors.
When the B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness opens I promise that the doors will creak, and not quite work right and only transport half of you to Hawaii and the other half to Siberia. That will teach our young ones bitterness. Not quite getting what they want. In the meantime, I’m going to go fix my DVD door and be bitterly disappointed when it doesn’t teach me to be a ninja.
Bitter Doork Ben