I finally found my award that I will be passing around like junk mail. Photo borrowed from http://aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/how-not-to-get-freshly-pressed/
So when WordPress sends you an email notifying you that you are being Freshly Pressed can you refuse? I mean do you really want a whole bunch of people around the WordPress universe reading garbage about bitterness? They would much rather read about the exciting, scary future of mobile phones, private vs. public grief and animal photos. Don’t panic. I would never win such an award and be the first blogger in history to turn it down. The blogivere needs to know that there is hope for a better blogconomy. I do not offer that here. Just bitterness. In the most confusing and non-sequitur way, I know that a lot of you believe that I was born with a silver spoon and you were right. It was lodged there by an irresponsible doctor trying to get me out of my mom’s tummy. You know a nurse would never do that. They are actually good at their jobs.
Subway. Not so fresh.
What I am saying is that I was actually born with a bitter taste in my mouth. A lot of us were. I had some crappy, bitter “formula”(like the formula that cures cancer or the formula for the hypotenuse of a triangle, I assume this is the formula that cures babies from crying. It isn’t.) that was given to me as a substitute for real food like pizza or sub sandwiches (and not those crappy Subway subs. Cardboard has a less bitter taste than the vile clay made bread on Subway subs. I’d pay $5 for arsenic before I paid for a Subway sub and I don’t even like arsenic.) Back to my rambling. Here is what I think went down. The milk factories had a huge mess-up at one of their factories because an employee had some concrete paste on their shoes that accidentally spilled into one of the milk vats. The marketing director called some doctor and told them to recommend that kids have formula instead of milk. Formula was born and formula companies get rich. They know babies won’t complain. They can’t talk. But as soon as they can, doctors just recommend milk so the kids don’t use their bitter words to explain how bitter it was of their parents to feed them that crap.
How my face looks in neutral(yes that is a bitter blister).
How it looks when I smile.
Non-sequitur with me to my point. A lot of you wonder why I am so bitter. Well as you can see in the picture that I will post after I write this, I was born with a frown. You all know someone that is always happy and smiley and cheerful all the time. It is because the natural curve of their mouth goes up at the edges. Mine not only don’t go up, they go directly down. Meaning, I have to put so much pressure on my mouth to smile that my face hurts. Picture a family photo get together. Smiley McSmilerson of the family is already smiling because her mouth goes up. Therefore it isn’t hard for her to hold that pose for the three hours it takes to get 1 good picture. On the other hand, Bitter Ben(yes I speak in third person occasionally. Get over it and get used to it.) is exerting so much pressure on his smile that it feels like he is being featured in a Mike Tyson boxing marathon. It hurts. And that is just for the first 10 seconds.
Laughing is worse. While most people I know couldn’t get Barney the Purple headed dinosaur to crack a smile, occasionally I will find someone that will make me laugh. So much so that I will actually say each and every word of Laugh Out Loud(I don’t say LOL, because 90% of the time IT ISN’T TRUE). Like Hayley’s Comet, every 5 years or so, there is the synchronicity of events where a person or group of people get me to laugh so hard that my mouth becomes completely inverted. That is what some people call laughing. I call it painful. I want be sent to the hospital to get some valium it hurts so bad.
Most people I know couldn’t get this Dorkasaurous to crack a smile.
I know this only explains one small part of my bitter back story, but I don’t think that people will read more than a few paragraph blog post, let alone a 20,000 page novel about it. So I will present it in bite sized chunks for the impatient bitter people. That is all you get for now. That and a bunch of non-sequiturs.
Arrrghhhhhfamilypictures
Bitter “smile” Ben
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Great stuff, thank you for the morning’s entertainment. I went through a time in my life during my 20’s when more frequently than I cared for people would pass me in the street and tell me to ‘cheer up’, regardless of whether I was in a good mood or not. Apart from being incredibly presumptions particularly as it was coming from total strangers, I found, as some might, that it was really irritating and quite unnecessary. I realised after the gazillionth time of hearing those same words as I paraded my obviously mortally serious face out in public, that actually I was born that way and that everybody should just deal with it! I didn’t realise at the time that I had said this out loud and not in my head, much to the surprise of a particular vocal passer by. I guess it did the trick because it stopped after that – at least that’s how I remember it!
Thank you for stopping by my blog and appreciating what I do, it’s much appreciated 🙂
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Some people are born naturally with a smile and it is so irritating. But whatever. They can keep their smile and I will keep my frown.
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If it makes you feel any bitterly better, I took a PH sampling of your award and discovered it’s pure acid.
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That makes me feel just the PH balanced amount of bitter. I hope to share that award with your blog someday. Maybe that bitter snowman ending…
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Bitter best wishes to you. Congratulations (and thanks for supporting my humble blog).
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Are you saying good bye? Are you quitting the blog scene? Thanks for the bitter wishes.
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No, not goodbye. I was just thanking you.
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Oh good. That would have made me bitter.
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A bitter congrats from me. That would be so rockstar to turn it down or take it and just smash it on the ground.
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Or even better put a Bitter Pressed on the post that they featured so people would laugh at wordpress for doing it.
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Great post – you crack me up every time!
This is for you…
: (
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That is my smile exactly! You did it in two keystrokes!
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Champion!
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I’ll see you on TV at the national finals!
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Someone contacted me about a “Blog Award” and that my article deserved nomination. I’m just now getting that it’s a real thing, not a rumor. ( I think I was born clueless.) As for bitter…nobody does “BITTER” like Ben.
P.S. Subway gives me nothing but lettuce. Gives new meaning to the catch phrase: Five dollar foot long. (How about Five dollar lettuce schlong!) Peace.
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Now that you are a super famous and (recognized) awesome blogger, don’t forget about us small folk. 😉
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I am only super famous because I recognized myself as bitterly pressed. So don’t worry, I will start recognizing the unrecognized so I can build them up to be as bitter as I am.
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I’m glad we’re in agreement about Subway–a viler food chain has not existed. What gets me is the smell of vomit that surrounds the entire establishment. Gross.
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The smell around Subway is actually the smell of salmonella and arsenic.
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And yeast. I think yeast is involved, too.
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They wouldn’t bother with yeast cause that would make their bread rise.
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Ha!
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The onion sauce is actually the tears of innocent children mixed with locker room crust.
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The bread is made up of ground children and concrete.
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I actually laughed out loud in public while reading this. I am sure that made many around me bitterly angry.
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I hope that you got in trouble for it and that the angry bitter people around you got in an angry bitter fight with you.
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Thanks for sharing your ‘the day after’ picture 🙂 Guess the party was wild and bitter. Also very nice to share your left party -food with us. It’s so great that you are unfreshly pressed!
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The day after pic was from a few weeks ago actually. No party for me. I’m 40 and don’t know how to party. I just celebrated with a cake and some hot dogs and lamb chops.
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Now that is ‘lolz ‘bittersweetness!
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No laughing out loud! Not unless something is actually really funny!
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thanks for the shout out, sorry I couldnt get to your comment on time This was an awesome post !!!!
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People who get the shout out always deserve it. Thanks for belatedly letting me use it!
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I totally get your point, but sometimes reading about someone else’s “bitterness” makes one realize, perhaps, one’s own bitterness is warranted. Alternatively, maybe, misery loves company, which might help alleviate any bitterness in our own lives…so don’t be so quick to push the EJECT/denial button when the Freshly Pressed email lands in your inbox….:)
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I just don’t think I will ever have to worry about it. My writing doesn’t warrant Freshly Pressed and I would never reject it. That was just kind of a joke. 🙂
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Ahaa…:), thanks for clarifying.
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Sometimes I’m not very clear. Sorry for the confusion. It’s just another thing that makes me bitter!
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Don’t beat yourself up about it…we all have THOSE kind of days! 🙂
TB
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I have those kind of days every day because I am bitter.
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I smile like the Joker. For awhile I had just a picture of my mouth as my Facebook profile picture, but it freaked people out.
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That is why I don’t smile because I don’t want to freak people out.
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I liked your bitterness.. until you brought Subway into this. I happen to be having a secret love affair with the tuna sub on Italian herbs and cheese bread.
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There are about a thousand sub shops ‘cough’ Jimmy Johns that have better subs/bread than Subway. My homemade bread disaster would be better than that crap. Sorry to insult you love affair, but you know ecchhh.
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I was wondering if Jimmy Johns is good, I hear commercials for it all the time 🙂 Maybe I could end my love affair if I found something better.. I’m a tuna sandwich fanatic, could care less about what it’s sitting on LOL
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Then just have tuna. Just explore the world and they all have tuna. I’m begging you to get off that crappy breaded, salmonella filled garbage.
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Just think – now that you’re all famous you’ll have waaay more comments to respond to, and probably lots more people saying stupid and unfunny things on your blog, and you’ll have a whole new influx of crap to be bitter about. It’s like job security.
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I’ve never had a shortage of things to be bitter about. I definitely bitter that I’m not making any money off my fame.
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