As stated in the law of bitterness, the older you get, the more bitter you become. Of course, we all know that Einstein proved that theory in his later years, coincidentally. The law was proven in a similar way that Einstein discovered the law of gravity, except this time when the apple dropped on his head, it landed on his medulla oblongata, which is the part of the brain that activates your bitterness.

Since I’m getting older, I have to start micromanaging this aging body of mine more each day. As such, this week, I got a procedure done. Before you ask, no, it wasn’t plastic surgery. I’ve worked way too hard on not maintaining this dad bod to ever get plastic surgery to make myself look at all younger. I’m not going to tell you which procedure I got, because of the HIPAA, but if you can’t figure out what it was after me describing my bitter week dealing with it, then you aren’t very good at context clues. Or you haven’t been hit on your medulla oblongata yet.

A year ago, November 2025, a representative from my medical provider called me and said it was about that time to get this thing, and they asked me if I would like to have it done. I was like, “Uggghh, fine, I guess”, so they scheduled it for me yesterday, almost a year later, because I guess it’s in such high demand?

Then they send me all kinds of instructions. Get this prescription gallon tub of powder, make sure you start fasting two days before, eat your last solid meal 2 days before, stop taking drugs, take off your jewelry, etc. They also said I had to have a chaperone. I was upset about this, because I’m an adult and I can do things all by myself now. They said “No, it’s because you need someone to drive you home, because you will be sedated.” I replied that I’m married and I’m not a cheater, so I’m not going to go on any blind sedates. They said I misunderstood and told me that they were drugging me and there is no drugging and driving.

I was like, “No, I don’t do drugs.”

“We’re going to put you to sleep!” they said.

I was like, “You’re GOING to KILL me?”

“No, sir. We are going to give you some drugs in order to put you to sleep so we can do the procedure, so it is less painful.”

Oh.

The procedure was easy. I went in filled out some paperwork, put on my ill-fitting hospital gown, and they gave me an oxygen mask, knocked me out, and I woke up 20 minutes later. Felt a little creepy that they drugged me and then do what they did to me, but I guess it was in a doctor’s office and not a bar.

As bad as that sounded, the two days running up to the procedure were the worst two days of the year so far.

On Tuesday night, I had my last supper. In retrospect, I should have had a savory steak and some mashed potatoes and gravy because those were the last solid foods I was allowed for a day and half. The next day at 5:00 pm, I was to supposed to take the gallon tub, mix it with this Salt of Satan included in the bucket and then drink an 8 ounce glass of it every 15 minutes for 3 hours.

When I read that, I had flashback to January 2007. If you don’t remember that time, let me take you back. Just a few months earlier, November 2006, Nintendo released a historically high demand console called the Wii. It became a cultural phenomenon, because the controller was a remote control with a nunchuck and it used motion controls to play the game. It was such a phenomenon that they were sold out for almost a year and a half. Thus, they became the coveted prize to get on promotions. One radio station in Sacramento decided to hold a contest in which people competed by drinking as much water as they could without going to the bathroom. The contest was called “Hold your Wee for a Wii.”

They contestants drank an 8 ounce glass of water every 15 minutes for 3 hours. One contestant drank so much, that she ended up dying. She did end up drinking 2 gallons instead of my 1 gallon, but she didn’t have to drink it with Satan’s Salt. I experienced many of the same symptoms that she did. My stomach felt like it was going to explode. I was so nauseous that I felt like I was going to throw up multiple times. Worst of all, I spent 5 out the 9 hours before waking up in the bathroom. By the time I drank the last glass, I had to choke it down. I can still taste the bitter salt in my mouth.

The best part was that my procedure wasn’t until 1:20 pm, so I had to suffer while at work. It was pretty hard to concentrate on anything at work while I was simultaneously so hungry I could die, while my stomach was making demon noises, which were produced by the Satan Salt.

I couldn’t get out of work fast enough. I was so weak I could barely put the pedal to the medal, but I sped home as fast as I could, so my wife could “chaperone” me to the ball.

By the time I got there and checked in, I was begging for the drugs. Put me to sleep forever.

When I woke up 20 minutes later, they asked me what I was going to eat. I was like, maybe my arm, right now. I answered like a zombie. I was like Pizzzzza, Burgerrrr. We ended up going to Bobby’ Burgers by Bobby Flay, who is famous for some reason. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t consumed anything but Satan Water in 40 hours, but that burger was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. It was sublime. Even though I knew that burger would be remixed and taken to another plane less than an hour later, I didn’t care. It felt like a Thanksgiving and Halloween feast all bundled into one.

I wouldn’t say that I was Hangry. In order to be hangry, you have to muster some sort of energy. When I don’t eat for a long time, I age 10 years. I was shuffling like Senior citizens on a cruise ship. I was playing shuffleboard and needed a walker just to get to the kitchen. I looked like Sophia from the Golden Girls, or Carl from Up.

As soon as I crammed that burger down my throat, I instantly de-aged 20 years, like Benjamin Button, but more instantly.

So, how do I handle Hanger Management? By eating something of course.

While you are figuring out the best way to deal with Hanger Management here are some Bitter Friday Giftures for you…

Einstein discovered law of bitterness the same way…

How do you like…

Since I’m getting older…

Which meant that I had to get one of those…

It would tell you which one…

I will tell you…

I would never mess…

The procedure was pretty easy…

The whole drinking a gallon of…

Then depositing every last morsal of food that I’d eaten…

So how do I handle Hanger Management?…

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Hanger Management Ben