Some people insist on using their mouth holes all the time, because they think talking is the only form of miscommunication. I happen to think that speaking out loud is the lowest common denominator, IE the easiest form of miscommunication. Since I’ve never been a big follower of trends, I prefer to communicate in a much more challenging, yet rewarding form of miscommunication. I only use the talking feature of my mouth when absolutely necessary. I like to reserve the use of my mouth hole for eating and frowning.

In order to avoid speaking, it helps to avoid other people, because they always take the easy way out by speaking out loud. The problem with people is that they always need things, like food and water to stay alive and communication because they don’t like awkward silences. The problem is that most humans are really bad at efficiency with words. Especially, the other side of Tik Tok, I mean humanity, these creatures called extraverts. These extravert creatures insist on introducing all their inner thought to the public square, for everyone to hear, thus making their inner thoughts “outer thoughts”. In other words, the thoughts that right side of Tik Tok keep to ourselves. Extroverts say them outloud and we all have to hear them, no matter how many useless words they use.

The efficient introverts store their words inside their minds, so that the rest of the world isn’t subject to their every wandering thought. The mind of an introvert is a fascinating place, and should be studied. I give scientists permission to carve mine out after I die, but I issue a warning before they do. It’s a constant running river of thoughts, controlled by two people. One is a young teenaged punk that keeps begging me to say every thought out loud. The other is a cranky old man that is in charge, and he has a huge censor button that hardly allows any thoughts to be released to the mouth hole. It’s a good thing, because the young guy keeps typing 1000 words a minute on an open Word document, while the old guy editor is using the backspace button to edit out the things young punk teenage me wants to say out loud. If you were subject to the kids unedited Word Doc stream, you would send me to Siberia, where young punk kid would be too cold to type out any thoughts.

You think that the extraverts blabbing on Tik Tok in their mindless and constant stream of conscious thoughts are bad? If you were subject to the full thought power of the Bitter Ben mind, I would be the first one that the United States would not allow free speech anymore, and instead make me pay a lot of money for it.

My thoughts are deeper and darker in the ocean than the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic. Let’s just say that it’s a good thing that I don’t like to outer talk, and my thought editor is a cranky old man, because if my speech bubbles were let out, there would be a nuclear bomb of thoughts unleashed upon the world.

Since what you see is not near what you hear, how does a bitter guy like me not unleash the world to the explosions going on inside this head? Headphones work most of the time, because they pump in distraction music, podcasts, and YouTube videos, so that my mind doesn’t have a good Bluetooth connection with my mouth. It helps that I have a weak voice, and that I stammer a little when I get nervous. My outer thoughts stay mostly PG-13, very bland and uncontroversial. To some people, this blog might appear to be the sum total of all my thoughts, but it only represents one grain of sand in a vast universe of stars.

Unfortunately, headphones don’t work all the time, because people insist I take them off for meetings, even though meetings are the least important thing I do all day. When I’m out in public in a store, waiting in a line, or at a gathering, I’m not allowed to wear headphones for some reason. But you know what is allowed? Having your phone on you, at all times. Before phones, when people stood around bored they were tempted to talk to me. Now, the phone has allowed me to pretend like I’m doing something productive, even though it’s just me doom scrolling.

In my mind, doom scrolling is completely wrongly named. It probably got the name from some optimist that didn’t have a phone and felt left out from all the people that were perfectly happy scrolling on their phones, ignoring people. There is no doom related to a practice that protects introverts from the evils of small talk. I can think of a dozen better names for Doom Scrolling. Protective Shield, Invisibility Cloak, Defense Against the Dark Discourses, Extravert Armor, Communication Cybershield, Lecture Watch Tower, Speak Hard, Muttering Mote, Small Talk Security, Tik Tok Sanctuary, Gab Guardian. There are just a few names off the top of my head. Just imagine if you gave a me a few more seconds of preparation.

Communication has come a long way, and it would be a shame if we didn’t go forward with this form of small talk avoidance, and went back to talking to strangers in lines, and in person. What better way to communicate to family and friends that through sending them Tik Toks and Reels. Talking face to face is way too inefficient and should be left in the past with VCR’s and horse drawn wagons.

It’s even a more efficient way to watch the world fall apart. Why go outside, and get too hot or cold to watch the world fall apart, when we could easily watch the world fall apart on our phones. At least when it falls apart on our screens, it’s entertaining and doesn’t feel quite as doomed.

Seems like the opposite of doom to me. While you are contemplating on the best phrase to replace doom scrolling with…I present you with some repeating pictures I call Bitter Friday Giftures…

When some people learn how to talk…

I prefer to use other forms of communication…

Which is usually a detriment…

But sometimes extraverts are so busy talking…

Introverts are much better at having thoughts…

Because if they unleashed their thoughts on the world…

There are two people in charge of my thought to mouth interface…

And the other is…

Usually…

How do I avoid having to talk…

Headphones definitely help…

When headphones aren’t available…

The former way of dealing with public in line…

Luckily…

So clearly Doom Scrolling needs a new name…

Or do you have a better name?

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Doom Scrolling Ben