When I was in college, I had one of the worst two weeks of my life. It all started with “the accident” on my way home from the movie theater. I was going through my totally legal yellow light, while some kids were going through their totally “illegal” red light. They ended up T-boning and totaling my car. That accident triggered the next two weeks of Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events. I had to borrow my grandma’s car, and in that car, I got two speeding tickets, one of which was a ticket by the same cop that “helped me” at my accident. He misremembered me, so in turn, didn’t have mercy on me and issued a speeding citation.

Next, I had to borrow my grandma’s car, and since my totaled car was resting comfortably in the junkyard, it also took my parking sticker for the college parking lot. The college parking officials had no mercy, so I had to park several miles away from the school in a church parking lot and hike the remaining miles to class. After a horrible day of classes, I came back to the spot where my grandma’s car was, and it had disapparated or was under an invisibility cloak. I figured that either Harry Potter was punking me, or some thugs had stolen my grandma’s 1979 Impala. Since that car was of no value to thugs and it wasn’t a flying car, I finally came to the realization that it was towed.

I had reached my legal limit for crap allowed to happen to someone in a two week period, so I tried to slam my hat down and have a tantrum. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a hat, and I hadn’t had a tantrum since I was 5, so I was out of practice. I had no phone, because this was the Jurassic period before cell phones, so I crossed the street and asked if I could use the phone in a store. I got ahold of the towing company and asked how much to get my car back and could they give me a ride.

…Remember, my legal limit was already reached. “All our towing cars are busy right now, so you’ll have to get a ride here yourself.” The first ever appearance of the anger emoji appeared over my head. Steam started seeping from my brain. My face turned red.

I ended up walking the 50 or 100 miles from the school to the towing company, and picked up my grandma’s car, fuming all the way. It turned out the towing company was right across the street from my apartment. ARRGGGGHHHHH! My bitterness meter reached an all time high. I was like James McAvoy in ‘Wanted’, where he freaks out at his red haired boss, and he whacks Chris Pratt in the face with his keyboard and the letters spell out an obscenity. I was Steve Martin in Trains, Planes and Automobiles letting loose on the airline gate agent.

That was the Final boss of the two weeks. I actually smash a keyboard on the guys face, but I decided that this would be the end of me being a victim. I wasn’t going to take anything else. I was leveled up to the max level and no one was going to mess with me from that time forward.

Fast forward to a week ago. In our HOA, you can’t park on the street overnight. Guess what I did. I parked on the street overnight. Not on purpose, but one morning, when I got up to go running, I saw my car on the street. When I saw it, I was like, oh good, they didn’t tow it. They finally had mercy on me.

But then when I went to move it, there was a bright orange sign on my window along with this really new fashion accessory for cars, called a car boot. It looked really cool and I was like, wow, that is so kind of them to give my car a fancy new accessory. They forgot to do a matching pair for my other wheels, but then I was like, maybe it’s like earrings where you just do one side. I discovered, however, by way of the orange sign on my car, that I did have had to pay for it. They left me a website where I had to pay for it to get removed. That didn’t make sense though, because I wanted to keep it.

Now I find out that I have to return it? And I don’t even get my money back? What kind of trend is this?

As soon as I returned my newest car accessory, I stopped reflecting on boots, and started reflecting on reboots.

Like you know, how computers have to get reboots? When they get reboots, they often removed a lot of junk from their CPU, and then after that, they are often given upgrades.

Same with Hollywood reboots. Hollywood has rebooted Spiderman 17 times, Batman 14 times and Superman at least 12 times. They often get reboots because the actors that play them get too old, or the story gets too convoluted or the audiences get tired of the same old retelling of stories. The new directors fix a bunch of the old mistakes, get a bunch of new upgraded costumes and actors and then make a bunch of new mistakes.

Which means if computers and movies get reboots, why can’t we get reboots? I make a bunch of mistakes all the time. I need a bunch of new upgrades. I’m okay with taking a bunch of time to go into a full reboot, while a bunch of doctors fix all my broken pieces, like my knees, shoulders, neck and back. I’m also okay to reboot so a bunch of people are able to go into my brain and fix a bunch of corrupted files, repressed memories, and upgrade my short and long term memories, as well as my memory for people’s names instead of just their faces.

In fact, I’m way more patient than computer reboots, and even movie reboots. I only need a reboot every 5 years or so. I’ll even take some of my vacation time every year to do it. I just ask that while I do the reboot that I get some video of a vacation to Hawaii while I’m doing it. I love going to Hawaii, I just don’t like going to Hawaii if you understand what I’m saying. Jet lag is what I’m saying.

I don’t need a total factory reset, because I certainly don’t want to go back to being a baby, being in high school or reliving my 20’s again. I just want to delete a few unnecessary files from my operating system so I’m don’t run so sluggishly all the time.

While I’m working on my reboot, you can start working on these Bitter Friday Giftures…

I was innocently running a yellow light…

That accident triggered…

First, there were the two speeding tickets in two weeks…

Then there was the unfortunate…

That got…

But they couldn’t possibly give me a ride to…

So I had to walk…

When I finally got there…

Luckily, I didn’t have a James Macavoy freak out…

Cause that was the Final Boss…

Then last week, I got the car boot…

Little did I know…

It did get me thinking that if Spiderman, Batman and Superman…

Why can’t I…

I would love to get a couple of new…

And while we are doing the reboot…

Because I would like to remember things…

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Reboot Ben