When I was growing up in South Dakota, I was a huge fan of the Gladiatorial Games. Of course I had my favorite team the San Antonio Savages, and I had my favorite Gladiators, but most of them ended up dying ignominious deaths. Unfortunately, since I lived in Sioux Falls, and my favorite Gladiator team was in San Antonio, they lived were 1,103 miles away, which is 16 hours by car. Since I didn’t have a car, I had to walk about 350 hours to get to San Antonio, which is about 2 weeks, so…I didn’t go to many of the matches there. Plus my sandals got a lot of sand in them.

Instead of going to San Antonio all the time, I ended up watching a lot of the local gladiators in the minor leagues Gladiator league called the Sioux Falls Skyforce, which is still in the g-League (lower case g gladiator league). My friend and I would go to those games and buy the cheap $5 seats, and then move up closer as the gladiators got slaughtered. We also liked to make fun of some of the gladiators, one which was named Petur Gundmanson, because he was basically a 7 foot guy that was only good for blocking with his shield. He didn’t last long.

They played in our tiny local arena in town, a small arena called the Sioux Falls Arena. It’s capacity was only about 5,000 people, so it was nowhere near the size of a Capital G like stadium that would hold thousands of crazed Sioux Fallians. Back in those days, stadiums were usually just named after the name of the city it was located in, thus the Sioux Falls Arena.

In Salt Lake, their gladiators fought in a palace, the Salt Palace specifically, presumably named after the Salt in Salt Lake. In Green Bay, the gladiators fight in Lambeau Field, named after the teams founder. Boston’s team that uses bats as weapons is named Fenway Park, because of its location in the Fenway neighborhood. The Chicago Cubs bat whacker guys pummel people in Wrigley Field, not because the gum sponsored it, but because the owner of the team was William Wrigley Jr., who just happened to obtain wealth from gum (and he was surprised when people put gum under their seats).

In the late 90’s naming rights exploded to where no gladiatorial stadium was safe from sponsorship. For example, when the Utah Jazz moved from the Salt Palace, the arena was called Delta Center named after a pegasus, called the Delta Center. Then, in 06, it got changed to the EnergySolutions Arena, then in 2015, it was changed to Vivint Smart Home Arena. Then in 2020, it got less smart and just became the Vivint Not So Smart Arena. Then, just recently it was changed back to its original name, the Delta Center. It seems the gladiators kept wanting more money for staying alive, so the only way to afford their 20 million lira contracts was to have sponsors.

Since naming rights are the fastest way to offset costs for gladiatorial stadiums, and afford the expensive gladiators, naturally, I decided that naming sponsors could also offset the expenses of my expensive kids. Their lavish abacuses, and expensive sandals and chitons, with gold and other decorative elements.

In addition, my son plays on the high school gladiatorial team (don’t worry, they don’t use real weaponry until they become college gladiators and they only maim not kill), so it is expensive to equip him and apparently pay for all kinds of travel, food and other needs of the gladiator coaches.

Since I’ve been doing this blog thing for free for a long time, and none of you want to just give me money, I’ve had to try different ways to get money. I’ve tried doing affiliate links, but you guys refused to buy anything, so that didn’t work. I tried to start a GoFundMe, but I only got $.50 for that. It’s time to level up here, and since, my blog is way more valuable than the arenas, I’m auctioning the naming rights to my blog for the first time.

I know it will be weird at first for you to call it “Nintendo Ben’s Bitter Blog” or the “Big O Tires Ben’s Bitter Blog”, but adjustments are hard. You’ll just have to get used to it, like I had to get used to sitting on the couch all day. I do have some companies in mind, so if they are interested I may offer a tiny discount. Burger King I’m looking at you.

First of all, Burger King is hurting right now. Do you remember the last time you went to one? It was pretty empty when you were there, wasn’t it? Just think though. If you name this blog Ben’s Bitter Burger King Blog, not only does that roll right off the tongue, but it would instantly make you salivate for a burger. Besides, they are still recovering from the Creepy King time period in the early 2000’s. Don’t think I have forgotten about the Sneak King video game where the king stalked people to give them a whopper. I mean, I loved it, but most people didn’t.

And another thing, how is this for integration? Do you know who owns Bitter.com? It’s not me, but Burger King. Go ahead and look it up. I tried to get them to give it to me, but they wanted $20 mill for it. I refused, but now, Burger King could have sponsorship of the #1 Bitter Blogger in the World. Way better than just owning Bitter.com.

In addition to the naming rights to my blog, the naming rights to my kids is also available. My dad got naming right to my son’s middle name by pitching in for the adoption fees, but the first name is much more expensive, so get your bids in now. Do it now though, because he’s going to be a famous college athlete next year, so the rates will go up.

Perhaps the most valuable naming rights though, will be the Bitter Friday Giftures, because it is an up and coming medium and it’s going to explode once the sponsorship and naming rights are official.

For possibly the last time, here are the unsponsored Bitter Friday Giftures…

The reason why I didn’t go to many gladiator games in San Antonio…

Maybe that’s why Forest Gump ran…

Instead of going to San Antonio all the time…

Where I watched the local gladiators…

Since our guys weren’t good enough…

The problem was the name of the arena…

So some marketing genius…

And the naming sponsors of arenas…

Since none of you give me money…

Which means a new marketing genius…

The bidding is starting at $20 million…

Because it might not stay there for long…

And don’t be surprised if sponsorship…

Because this is definitely one of the…

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

(Sponsored) Bitter Naming Rights Ben