When I was only 6 or 7 years old, I remember watching a horrible TV movie about a spider invasion. A little girl was on a swing and horde of Tarantula’s were crawling just underneath her swing. Clearly, it had a impact on me enough to remember it, but surprisingly, it didn’t scar me for life. Which is funny to me, because this trait didn’t pass down to my daughter. She has called me up to her room to get rid of a spider that was smaller than a pizza crumb. Some people are so afraid of spiders that there are memes of people burning down their houses just to get rid of one spider.

I don’t have a strong fear of spiders, snakes or heights like a lot of people do. My fears are of people, like when I have to talk with them. Small talk, interviews, getting rejected by them, or being stuck in small spaces with them. I’m not afraid of most animals, except maybe mythical creatures that have the ability to easily kill me, like ManBearPig, or BearShark. There is one exception to my lack of fear of animals that are real though. Midges. Midges look like mosquitos but they don’t bite. They just fly around and make really high-pitched squeals. Which is one of the things I also don’t like about humans. The squealing, not the flying. What is even more annoying about Midges is that the ruin summer, by coming outside, just about the time that we humans can, as soon as it gets warm.

Therefore, they make me bitter about summers in my neighborhood. They hang out just outside our front door and assault me whenever I go outside. I’ve never felt so violated as when I’ve walked outside my door in the summer. When I was a kid, summers were the best. No school, no rules, and no cools. Except when you were inside and the air conditioning was on.

Now summer sucks.

I’ve never been so terrified and vengeful as I was on Tuesday when I came home for lunch. I immediately felt their evil presence. Their evil came together by using the three-headed formula of warm weather, rain, and the HOA lawnmowers to summon their evil swarm to our neighborhood that day. More specifically on my doorsteps and garage. When I went to enter my house, I barely escaped the attack of the evil Midges by running through my front door. I probably let 12 or 15 in, and barely avoided swallowing a few of them.

I knew it was up to me to protect our home from the invasion. I didn’t eat lunch, or sit on the couch, or even play games on my phone. I leapt into action, and put my personal safety at risk. I went to our garage with a single-minded mission. Pest control. I pushed through all my parents “treasures”, dug through all the tools and got to our pest control area.

I found the liquid death and the sprayer. I knew that if I didn’t get to them soon, our house would be taken over by the swarm of non-deadly, but super high-pitched sounding nuisances. I quickly and messily prepared the formula in my kitchen. One part water, filled almost to the half way point, and one part decayed and probably expired bug killer, mostly spilled in the sink, but enough of it in the sprayer to kill some bugs. I pumped the sprayer, then got pumped up myself.

With the energy that only adrenaline could summon within me, I pushed through the door, and was immediately attacked by the Swarm. I fought back like Captain America did against Thanos. I sprayed the deadly venom upon the hoards, while doing my best to avoid getting it in my eyes and mouth, because wind.

I attacked the garage door, to prevent them from swarming a much bigger entrance into the house. I sprayed as high up on our eaves as I could. I swept the perimeter, the side and back of the house, and the window wells, where they keep their back up soldiers. I knew, just like the Under Armour commercials of the early 2000’s, WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE. Or more appropriately, I must protect this house. I sprayed every inch of the house with the anti-venom that repelled my bitter enemy, these non-lethal Midges.

I came, I saw, I protected. Sure there were a few leftover midges, flying lazily around the perimeter, but when they saw their fathers, their mothers, their sisters, and their brothers, their cousins, aunts, grandmidges, and grandfathermidges, they could only mourn at the carnage that took place that day. They could only bury their dead, and leave with their tails between their legs.

I know someday, one of them will become so bitter that he will rise up in his hatred and take bitter revenge on me. He will become bloodthirsty, and build up an army to come back. But don’t worry. I will be ready. As soon as he lands on my skin to take a bite, I’ll just swat him, and their whole insurrection will be over. Just like that. Because Midges can be annoying, but no matter how powerful that one Midge is in his world, I can kill him as easily as slapping my hand on him. And when I take down that mighty leader, they will all retreat, like Megatron did in every episode of the Transformers. Because they are Midges.

That war is over. What…are all those birds doing flying around and making nests up in the eaves of the houses in our neighborhood? Alright, that is it. Apparently, May is Invasion month. Time to end another war.

While you are waiting for me to wage war on the birds, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures to distract you…

I watched a movie about a Spider Invasion…

I didn’t scar me for life…

My daughter would call me into her room…

I don’t have a strong fear of spiders, snakes…

My fears have more to do with interacting…

Small talk, interviews or being in close spaces with people…

I’m also afraid of mythical creatures like…

One more fear I have is…

They are like Mosquitos…

Their swarm mentality makes is really hard…

I took the fight to them…

Preparing the formula…

But I eliminated them all…

He is in the process of burying his dead family…

But I will be ready…

Now about those birds…

ARRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Invasion of the Midges Ben