I was watching that Kevin Hart and Bryan Cranston movie the other day. It was the movie about the really rich guy that was a quadriplegic and a guy that takes care of him. At first, Kevin Hart’s character is just trying to get a signature so he can say he’s looking for a job and Bryan Cranston is just trying to hire someone so he can make his girl boss upset. It was an okay movie but the standout part of it for me was the part was the hang gliding. Bryan Cranston’s character had dreams/nightmares about hang gliding because it was the accident that caused him to become a quadriplegic and also how he lost his wife.

I won’t ruin the ending, but at the end, Kevin Hart arranges for them to go hang gliding. When I was in high school, my grandma took my family to Mexico and I went parasailing, but I’ve never been hang gliding. I’ve always wanted to, because birds and bees and pterodactyls are always taunting me because they can fly, and I can’t. Although, I like to taunt them back, because I have a mortgage and house and they have to sleep outside.

The other day, I was out in my backyard ready to do my first grill of the season, when I saw a few pieces of straw sticking out between the lid. I thought it was odd but figured it had been months since the last time I used it, so I would just go in and pull the few pieces of straw from the grill. Instead, I opened the grill and was viciously attacked by a bird who had built her nest inside my grill.

Unfortunately for that bird, I don’t allow squatters in my grill, and she hadn’t paid for first and last month’s rent, so I had to evict. Luckily there were a lot of other grills available in the neighborhood that were renting, so she rebuilt her life somewhere else. At least I think so. I haven’t used the grill for a few weeks.

The point is, if you’ve ever been in a parasail, a paraglide, or an airplane, you have the ability to not only fly, but also dive. And if you are a bird, a bee, or a mosquito, you also have that same ability. And if you’ve ever lived in a place where it gets cold, you probably noticed that during the winter, late fall and early spring, there aren’t a lot of mosquitos, birds or bees. Unlike humans, creatures that fly don’t have winter coats and gloves, mostly live outside and don’t like skiing or sledding, IE don’t like cold weather.

Now that it’s summer, the birds have flown north for the summer, the bees are finding flowers and have hives to build, and mosquitos sense warmer blood in the air. They’ve decided that they were tired of annoying the southerners and decided to fly north and annoy us northerners for several months.

It’s summer, and the weather is warm, so it’s what I like to call “the divebomb season”. The moment I go outside, I’m ducking for cover to avoid either a bird, some bee or thousand of mosquitos that attack me from every angle. I’m in a perpetual war with the flying creatures just to get from my house to my car.

I might be mighty enough to crush every one of them with my bare hands, but each of them have their own weapons and tactical abilities that can damage me over time with a thousand little cuts. I’m the oversized boss in a Boss Battle and each of them are the protagonists that get to keep trying over and over to defeat me.

The Bird Class has the ability to drop their poop on my car, build nests and reproduce in my grills and open pipes, or eaves of my roof. If I attack them, they can fly away easily, and divebomb me, bite me on the arm and then do it again.

The Bee Class also have the ability to build hives in high and hidden places like the birds, but they are also armed with swords from their butts. They will sacrifice themselves for the sword thrust, but they also have dozens that will protect their queen. They also have the fly ability like the birds, but their flight is much less precise and slow and much more like a drunken sailor. But they work together better and are smaller, so they can hide in smaller places and they have the swarm ability where hundreds of them can sting me.

Perhaps the most diabolical of the Divebomber are a class called The Mosquitos. With no purpose at all on the earth but to annoy me, they are fliers as well. They are much smaller than the bees and have less sting than the bees, and much slower than the birds, but their superpower is sheer numbers. If I were Captain America, they would be Hydra. As Hydra would say, cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Mosquitos basically say, swat 1,000 of us, 10,000 more will take our place.

Everyone is always telling me that they are outdoors people, and though I don’t see the appeal there must be some reason like fresh air or something. Ever heard of air conditioning? For me, the outdoors in a battlefield and as the Goliath of the outdoors, I’m constantly fight these little David Divebombers. If Goliath had just stayed indoors maybe he would have lasted a lot longer against David. I feel much safer indoors where I only have to occasionally have to deal with the rare divebomber who accidentally makes it inside, when I keep the door open for a millisecond longer than I need to in order to make it to my car and back.

Divebombing season is at hand, so keep your head on a swivel and avoid the outdoors at all costs. If you aren’t careful, one of these little divebombers could land a direct hit with a stone on your head and your suit of Off! Spray Armor won’t be enough to save you. You could lose your boss battle and be laying lifeless with two bee stings, fifty mosquito bites, and a bird pecking at your leg as you die slowly a few steps from the Door of Safety that prevents them from coming in your fortress.

Either that or adapt to them and learn how to fly. Then they’ll be shaking in their wings.

Here are some Bitter Friday Giftures to keep your safe this divebombing season…

The upside to the Upside Movie…

Besides it being short…

Because for a moment or two…

And we can taunt…

Or the bees…

Or the mosquitos…

Or birds who think that it’s okay…

Without paying me…

Unfortunately, during divebombing season…

Which means I’m bigger and stronger…

But these little Davids…

And the bees…

And the mosquitos have the power of…

Bitter Diveboming Season Ben