For my parent’s 50th anniversary in 2015, they decided to take their whole family on a cruise. That included their five kids (which I am one), their spouses and their kids. None of my “core” family had ever been on a cruise, so we were pretty excited. I ended up eating a lot of Mickey bars, and getting burnt to a crisp, but it was great because I didn’t have to deal with co-workers. The problem was that I had to spend time with my family. At this point, I’m not sure what is worse. There were some good times, but as you know, there is always the Third Law of Bitter Motion. Every moment of enjoyment has an equal and opposite moment of double bitterness.
For instance, I really liked the Mickey Bars. They were just chocolate ice cream bars, but in the shape of the Mickey Mouse symbol. There were really tasty and I had a lot of them, but they also gave me heartburn, stomach aches and added a bunch of unnecessary calories. Then there was the private island we got to hang around for part of the day. It was a chance to get a little sun, but of course, a little bit of sun turned into WAY too much sun, which made me look like a devil without the horns and tail.
If I had known that the family Disney Cruise would be our last vacation until 2019, I would have tried harder to have bitter moments that I could have remembered, or more importantly, posted on Instagram.
All of sudden, I have a two-year vacation streak, and it has reminded me why I’m not a big fan of vacations. I could list a bunch of reasons, but I’ll save that for another blog post. When I say vacation, I should specify that I put vacations and staycations in a different classes. Vacations include going far away, and staying in hotels, hostels, Air BNB’s or someone else’s house. It also includes things like venturing outside your comfort zone. Those kind of things aren’t fun for me.
I like the staycation ones. But not the traditional definition of a staycation. I’m talking the kind of thing where I don’t go to work on a weekday, I don’t go visit my local area tourist destinations and I spend the whole time on my couch relaxing and not doing things. That’s my ideal vacation.
I just got back from a trip to San Antonio, and it had its enjoyable moments, but the Third Law of Bitter Motion was definitely in effect.
My favorite part about vacations is coming back to work, and witnessing how all my tasks were either ignored or messed up beyond comprehension and I have to do double the work just to get back to the norm in time for someone else to go on vacation and then having to do their work. This is the Second Law of Bitter Motion. Whenever your motion leaves your place of rest, and you move to another place to rest, when you come back you, you must double your work to return to your regular state of rest.
Another example of this is my blog posting. I have to do twice the amount of blog posts, because of all posts I missed doing while I was gone. When it comes to my family, I have to pretend to care twice as hard when my kids tell me what I missed when I was gone. All my tasks at home have doubled, and I have to do them twice as fast when I get home. When I’m on vacation, I have to spend twice as much money, because of the expectation to buy souvenirs. And I have to buy meals twice as much. I exert twice as much energy doing activities, because heaven forbid, I rest when I’m on vacation.
Which is why the stay-at-home cations are so much better. Since my “twice as much work” keeps bugging me as much as my co-workers, I’ve got to hurry up and post some giftures, so here we go…
Celebrating…
I’ve never seen so many people excited about…
Ate a lot of Mickey Bars…
Got a little a sun…
If I were to compare my color, I would say as red as the Disney character…
If I would have known I’d go 4 years between vacations…
I didn’t know about the Third Law of Bitter Motion back then…
If I would have known about the Third Law of Bitter Motion…
It would have prevented a lot of having to listen…
I could have saved a few…
Then, as soon as you get back…
If only I had known all the Second and Third Bitter Laws of Motion, I would have enjoyed the 4 years of time between the vacations more and realized how horrible vacations really are. But you know me, I always have to learn my lessons the hard way. Maybe someday I’ll learn the first law of bitter motion.
ARRRGGHHHHHHHH
Bitter Laws of Bitter Motion
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I love going on vacations!! Of course they never go perfectly, you’re always completely worn out, and the reality hits hard when you get back and realize how much “catch up” you have to do.
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Vacations are good for the brief amount of time that you remember that you aren’t at work at the moment, but then you get depressed when you realize that no one is at work doing yours and you will have a heap waiting for you when you get back.
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My parents took us on a cruise for their anniversary, too. It was a really big ship with a “tall center” as my husband explained it. First night out we hit rough waters and even veteran sailers got seasick. People were holding onto the walls for support just to walk down the hall. Dozens were lined up at the dispensary for seasickness shots, me and my kids included. We slept for 15 hours straight after getting jabbed but after that we were good to go and had a great time. The continuous loop movie was Stallone’s “Over The Top”; after a week at sea we all knew every line to that stupid movie.
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That sounds like a great way to discourage people to never go on a cruise again. My wife loves them because she doesn’t have to cook or clean or do anything. She calls it a woman’s vacation. I’m perfectly fine with her going with my daughter on a girl’s cruise.
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Your wife actually cooks and cleans when you guys are on vacation?? Who does that?? She definitely needs a girl’s cruise!
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You’re actually not wrong. I just returned to work after a vacation and had to do twice the amount of work as usual just to get through all the emails. 😅 And yes, I spent twice as much as planned and came home twice as tired. But boy, was it fun!
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