Taking over the world is hard work. Terrorists are constantly trying to do it in movies, governments are always trying to topple other governments and countries one at a time, and Pinky and the Brain have been trying to do it since 1995.
Unfortunately for Pinky and the Brain they are like most millennials, who are also stuck in their parent’s basements. Unlike, millennials, Pinky and the Brain have actual ambition and are trying to use their brains to figure out how. To be fair, millennials are ambitiously trying to take over the world, but mostly in video game worlds, or in Settlers of Catan, which is something, I guess. In their own special way, they do have ambition and drive. Just in the digital world and fantasy worlds.
Which proves that I’m just a millennial stuck inside a Gen Xer body. Others would call me visionary or “a guy ahead of his time”. However, truth be told I am really ambitious late at night. Sometimes, I will walk all the way from my couch to the fridge and make myself a sandwich. You only have to take one look at the layout of my couch and the path to the kitchen to see how much ambition that takes. I’m all about taking shortcuts in roads and in life, but with my couch situation, there are no shortcuts. You have to go around the couch to get there.
I’ve always been about shortcuts. If there is an easy way to get rich, I will be the first in line, because I’m ambitious like that. Thankfully, I’m patient. I know that someone that likes working is devising the Get Rich Quikie Mart Store as we speak, and I will be ambitionosly online setting up my reservations to get in line there first.
In the meantime, I’m working on taking over the world by starting with Scotland, land of my ancestors. As of right now, no one has given my land rights yet. So, I’ve devised my ambitious plan to take over my homeland of Scotland. It will be a slow process, but remember, I’m patient. When it comes to taking over the world, you have to take it one decade at a time. I just found out a way to buy 1 square foot of Scotland online. As a landowner in Scotland, I will be entitled to become a Lord or Lady. (I’ve chosen the Lord option.) Once I become a Lord, I will then be entitled to start ordering people around, first to make me sandwiches, then to bring it around the couch, so I don’t have to, because that is the right of a Scottish Lord.
Then, without people noticing, I will buy a few more square feet, then a few circle feet, several octagonal feet, and perhaps some rhombus feet and some rhombus arms too. Before you know it, I’ll be the majority owner of Sterling Castle, Edinburgh Castle, and then the queen’s palace in Holyrood. Since I will own those main castles that will officially make me the King of Scotland. None of you will ever even see it coming. Except for the 20 some people that actually read my blogs past the first 4 sentences.
Owning land is the real power in this world. I will have a royal mote built and from then on, I will officially become the Royal Pain in the Butt to my country, my family and all my servants. I will increase my orders to pizza delivery, then to steak and even some Italian pasta and Haggis. Couches will replace thrones and people will start making TV shows about me called Game of Couches. The official sport of Scotland will no longer be caber tossing, but couch surfing and the national pastime will be video games. Kilts will be replaced by shorts and bagpipes will be replaced by electric guitars. There will be way more holidays for regular people. Tyrants who oppose me will be required to work 25 hours a day and 8 days a week and will lose Wi-Fi privileges to prevent them from rebelling against me either in person or online.
Once my reputation spreads across the land of Scotland, I will enact my next strategy to take over England and the world. I will create some fake Tik Tok challenges, which will get persuade all the 25 and under crowd to be my loyal subjects. To get the 25+ crowd, I’ll offer early retirement and pretty sweet 401K rates of 7%. All of a sudden, people’s favorite subject in school won’t be math, but their favorite subject will be being my subject.
All of this, because I discovered the way to buy one square foot of land in Scotland. Thankfully, I didn’t tell you how it is done, and you aren’t smart enough to just Google it and find out how. Because you are just subjects and I’m your King.
Queen Elizabeth got her wish of Charles never becoming King. What she didn’t see coming was a bitter blogger from America would be king, usurping her kingdom by way of Scotland, because of a little-known way for me to become a Lord by owning a little Scottish land. Guess she didn’t see that coming. Guess she should have watched a little more Game of Couches.
Bitter Scottish King and Ruler of the World Ben