Exercise Bitterness

Sports was always there for me…to ruin my day.

Yesterday I talked about sports and how I used to enjoy them. Today I’m going to talk about how they ruined my life. To get some context, my son is a burgeoning athlete. He is so much bigger than other kids his age, that sometimes it doesn’t even seem fair. In fact, in football, I believe he could play just about any position on the field and excel at it. He has a strong arm so he could be a quarterback, he is really good at catching, so he would be a good receiver. He has tree trunk legs and thighs so he could run right over other kids as a running back. The problem is that they hold him back at this age by calling him an X man. If you are over a certain weight, you can only be on the offensive or defensive line. So his abilities are being held back. It’s kind of like in the Incredibles, where Dash is running the 100-yard dash, but he has to hold back his speed in order to appear “normal” or “fit in”. I keep hoping he keeps strong and this leads him on NFL path. Dad could use an early retirement if you know what I mean.

This is my life was ruined by sports. I did all the work. Went to all the practices, ran all those races, putted all those shots, jumped all those highs, basketed all those balls, footed all those balls, tennised all those balls, based all those balls. Came home sweaty, tired, achy and sacrificed all that TV time. For what? Well, they told me if I worked hard enough, I would get to play in the games. They told me if I worked hard enough, I would get dates with girls. They told me if I worked hard enough, we could win a championship. They told me if I worked hard enough, I would be in great shape…Problem is I didn’t. Because I was tired. Because my body had a limit. Because my knees hurt and my back hurt and my head hurt. I played basketball until I was 40. Do you know what I go for it?

Well, I will tell you what I didn’t get. I didn’t get to play. I didn’t get girls. I didn’t get championships. And I certainly didn’t get any money. Not one cent professionally for basketball, baseball, track or otherwise. Just bad knees, bad ankles, bad feet, bad back.

Thank goodness for couches.

I’ve decided that none of those things came true. Sports, exercise, it is all a myth. I know I should be giving you a pep talk because it is January, a time for resolutions and getting better and working at goals. But you know I’m bitter. All exercise will do is delay the inevitable, with nothing but soreness, tiredness, and badness left in its wake.

So I’ve decided to take up a different kind of exercise. Yelling at my kids. It gives my lungs, abs, and throat a thorough workout, releases stress, and isn’t that exercise is supposed to do for you?

Your Turn. What exercise do you do that is way better for you than exercise? What relieves stress for you? What sports are you bitter that you did when you were young? What resolutions are you not going to keep in the new year?

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Yelling Exercise Ben

The links in this post contain affiliate links, and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link.

Target Deal of the Day: “42 X 18” Decorative Wood Ladder Brown – Threshold. If you really need some exercise, how about climbing this decorative ladder, breaking it and breathing heavily when you hurt your back. Good for the abs and possibly even putting blankets on. You know, whatever suits your fancy.

 

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14 thoughts on “Exercise Bitterness

  1. I find sitting very still, or lying down with a blankie over me and watching Russion car crash videos on You-tube is the best way to relax, because even if I do fall asleep, I still haven’t really missed anything when I waske up – it’s still the same idiot in a white unidentifiable model/make of a car running into some other idiot. I find yelling at my kids wears me out, because the only person that hears me, is myself – and I get tired of hearing myself!!! Better just to lie down.

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  2. I didn’t do sports when I was young. Except jump rope. I could have been an Olympic jump roper if there was such a thing. Resolutions I’m not going to keep? Probably all of them. I got an aromatherapy kit for Christmas that is supposed to relieve stress, but it just smells like orange peels trapped inside a cedar chest. I’m planning to do “spinning” in the new year. Not the kind at the gym, the kind where you spin your office chair around and around to entertain yourself whenever you have writer’s block. I might also run after the mail truck if my bills are late and really need to go out that day. 🙂

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  3. This actually is a pep talk. Now I’m all excited about sitting on a couch or in an easy chair. And it gives me permission to shout out orders to my wife to fetch me this and that, which will exercise my lungs, and abs and so forth. And if she actually does fetch me something, such as a soda, I will then get exercise from holding it in my hand. Thank you, Coach Ben, for the motivation.

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  4. LOL! Cool post. Yelling at your kids,or just yelling at people in general, is a pretty good workout. I tend to just roll my eyes, because even yelling takes too much effort. Sometimes I manage a groan, but I pretty much just live on the lazy end of things.

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