Spoiler Warning: I didn’t. I died and somehow ended up in the most bitter purgatory that exists. Unluckily, I am now forced to tell you my oh so bitter tale of how I was forced to make it three whole hours without an electronic device. Some earthbound person will break into my account and type it up.
So yesterday, I was getting ready for church and made sure to notch my tie incorrectly like 5 times, get my sock wet from some water on the floor, and shave my half grey, half red beard so that even hairless it was red. Mostly from the irritation that my beard gets from being shaved. (I wonder who he gets his irritation from?)
Anyways, I got all packed up and ready to go, but somehow forgot the most important thing to bring to church. My salvation (ie my phone) to distract me from all the boring things people say to me, like “Hi, How are you?” and “How was your weekend?”. I went to sit down, got myself a super uncomfortable metal chair, and talked to my male offspring about his ability to get distracted by everything from “needing a drink” to “needing to go to the bathroom” to “needing to throw his gum out”.
The talks were coming soon and I needed a distraction myself from all the judging, so I reached for my Salvation. It wasn’t in my pocket. It wasn’t in my bag. Oh, well I’m sure I left it on my head, like I used to leave my glasses. Nope, not even there. My heart sunk. My phone, my on the go entertainment and distraction wasn’t there. Surely, if you only lived a few blocks from church, you would have jumped up, ran home, and retrieved it right? But you remember that I’m lazy right?
So, here I was. Doomed for a three hour period in which I would not have all the vital information about the universe in my hands. Surely, I would be able to survive without it right? Wrong. Updated scores for sports I had not a care in the world about were not there in my hands. The latest gaffs of all the idiots in charge were not at my beck and call. All the movie box office results would have to wait a few hours. But most importantly, how would my virtual soldiers, Disney Heads, and Twitter followers survive without me?
They were probably all thinking right at the very moment, that either I got in a car accident, involved in a terrorist attack, or got kidnapped. Even though those things could have happened to me, surely he would have updated us with what happened on Facebook at least.
I somehow survived the second hour without sports updates and world news, but my fingers started itching with panic when I couldn’t get my hands on the hourly heart refill in Tsum Tsum. What am I going to do? My heart started beating faster, my mind started craving some information overload, and I was even desperate enough that I would have clicked on Flashlight App.
Then the third hour came and I was a complete wreck. I was Wreck It Ralph when he found out he wouldn’t ever be able to get back to his game. I was lying on the floor, writhing in pain, balled up in pain. The final blow was when someone said in the class, “Want to hear a statistic?” and right there, I took my last breath, and I died of boredom. I know I died because I saw a dark, bitter light, that pushed me into this room, and they asked me to start writing about this experience.
The moral of the story? Never be without your electronic device, and definitely don’t listen to those people that tell you to take a break from them, even for a short period of time, or you will end up like me, dead of boredom.
Bitter Boredom Ben