How was all of your Fat Tuesdays? I’m not Catholic and I don’t go to Mardi Grass, but I’ve heard that you are supposed to give up things for Lent.
Yes, this sounds like a fabulous idea. I have lots of things to give up. In fact, I have a whole garageful. I would really appreciate it if you would all come pick it up because I’m really busy on the couch giving things up. Things like stepping, moving and doing things. I’m going to work really hard on not working hard, and I hope you will all support me in my sacrifice. Some of you may suffer, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. (Semi-quote or “paraphrase” that you people like to call it from Prince Farquad in Shrek)
In all jokingness though, there are a few things I would like to give up for Lent. It isn’t chocolate, or social media, or fast food. I’m giving up things that are way more important.
The first thing I’m giving up is trying. Trying has always been something that people think is going to lead you to success or wealth or honors in DECA. But they are wrong. I’ve tried like three times, and not one of those times has anything ever come of it. One time I tried to build the Taj Mahal out of Legos. I’m still trying to connect a yellow brick with a red one, and they don’t really seem to be sticking together. And for some reason, people tell me that neither red or yellow are colors of the Taj Mahal. Then the Lego Movie came out and I saw how good those master builders where and even they couldn’t build the Taj Mahal. Like I’m going to be able to? Failure #1.
The second time I tried was learning how to tie shoe laces. It was a massive effort that my parents kept trying to teach me. In fact, I tried for a whole 5 minutes before I gave up last year. I guess it’s true that you can’t teach an old bitter guy new tricks. Or is it cats? I can never remember the saying.
Failure #3 was when I was tried to run for President when I was 13. I was told you had to be at least 35 years old, competent, and know things. Then, we were in gym class and there was the Presidential Fitness award thing where we had to get like 35 push ups in a minute, 11 pull ups and run the mile in under 10 minutes and I was like if I have to exercise in order to be the president, I’m out.
Since I’ve never seen results from trying those three times, I will gladly give it up for 40 days, 40 nights and even 40 afternoons. And I may even give it up after that. I haven’t really thought this through.
The second thing I’m going to do is give up job searching. I know that is along the same lines as not trying, but they say you should be more specific with your goals. I don’t normally get specific with things, but in the spirit of lent, I’m going to do it. And by do it, I mean not do it. Not look for jobs, because I’m not very good at hide and seek anyways. I’ve never really found a job, I’ve only tagged ones that just gave up and stopped hiding because they were tired of hiding and had to go home. So they came to base and just said I could work for them. So kind.
Alright, so those are the things that I’m sacrificing. How about you slackers? What big things are you going to give up? What unamazing things can we expect from you dingbats for the next 40 afternoons?
Bitter Lenticular Ben