I’ve got to go lie down.
I was reading a comic the other day about a girl that was struck by lightning and given super powers. When first given those powers, she decided that she would use them for doing good. She would rescue stray dogs, fight bad guys and punch a hole in injustice. She ended up doing none of those things. I’ve often thought about what I would do if I received powers too. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be too much.
If I received the power of telekenesis (the power to be able to move objects with my mind) I would probably use it to move less than heavy objects. I don’t need that kind of stress on my mind. There isn’t much going on in there, and I don’t want to add more to it. I know I would use it to lift the remote and open the fridge and remove pizza from it. I might even get it to the microwave and push those buttons, but that would probably be the extent of it.
If I received the power of invisibility, I would use it to hide of course. If I was at work, I would probably use it in meetings. I would of course show up to the meetings and show that I was present, but when I was called on, I would quickly make myself invisible until people were thoroughly confused about where I went, then as soon as they moved on to someone else, I would pop back up. I would also use it when I was driving so as to completely confuse and freak out other drivers to the point that they would swerve and make scary decisions.
If I received the power of strength, I would probably go on reality shows on HGTV and others like it and be the guy that needed help with knocking down rooms or walls for their rebuilds. Then I would accidentally knock down the whole house and be like, “Man I just don’t know my own strength.” But I really do, but it was an accident. Then they would have to use it in their footage as a part of the “problems they ran into while doing the remodel” and the hosts of the show would have to make that nervous call to the homeowner’s that they will need “$500,000 to $900,000 more” in the budget that they weren’t anticipating and see the homeowners freak out.
If I received the power of super hearing, I would go to the Pentagon and listen in to all the secret technology for the military meetings. You know, the ones where they discuss all the new technology that we won’t get for several decades because it is too new and dangerous for doofuses like us to use, but they get to use because they are in the military. I want exo suit so I can do a backflip on the trampoline park. I want my microchip in my brain so I can be super smart cause my son needs help with his third grade math and my intelligence isn’t quite cutting it for that.
In the end, I know that super powers would be wasted on me, because I would use them for selfish purposes. Which I why I am going outside today, (momentous occasion) and hoping to get struck by lightening. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to jump in a vat of toxic ooze tomorrow. Wish me bitter luck!
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Anti-Hero Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
The only super power I would want is the power to teleport anywhere I want to. Then I wouldn’t have to drive ever again. It’s better than flying because in my mind it wouldn’t be as much work.. Telekinesis would be cool too for lazy reasons, but also to freak people out. I would never want to be able to read peoples’ minds because some people are total creeps. I enjoyed reading your post.
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Teleporting would be cool, but probably get tiring after a while. Like thinking about where you wanted to go, then feeling like you are driving a hundred miles an hour would be exhausting. I’m perfectly good sitting on the couch, thanks.
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That’s is so true
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Yeah, pretty much.
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Superpowers sound as if they would be quite a pain. No matter how much you did, you would be expected to do more because you are super. And if you didn’t do all you can do, you would feel super guilty. You’ve made me happy to be normal (more or less) person.
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That’s why I would always keep the powers to myself, so I could benefit from the powers without having to do something good for other people with them.
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What about the Super Bitterness power? You are already using it for good!
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I’m already using it for bad. I will make sure it is going to waste.
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If I were given immortality… I might ended up making a video like the one in youtube. Dumb ways to die. haha.
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That would be a fun way to test your invincibility. And it would be a huge YouTube success making you super internet famous.
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It does! Until someone decided to kidnap you and turn you into a guinea pig. haha.
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And that would be a great two part episode on the Flash or The Green Arrow.
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Having redone multiple houses (long before it was trendy…used to be simply fixing a structure up so it would be better to live in as it was the best we could afford) I love you assisting those cheerful, smug, always successful redo reality show people.
Simply smashing!
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I would love to assistant all the smug people by going way too far in destroying their house and making it an unliveable mess.
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I’d like to read minds, but only when I wanted to. THat makes it easier to know who is your enemy. 🙂
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Yeah, being able to do that and not being able to control when and who would be a pain. And honestly I don’t know that I would want to know what people really thought of me.
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But wouldn’t you like to know if they’re plotting against you? Or your bosses darkest secret so s/he could never fire you? 🙂
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I’m sure I could find a way to exploit that super power in a more lazy way. Possibly by doing something on the couch.
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Good bitter luck.
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No bitter kidding. I’m gonna need it.
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I actually have a super power–and I use it for the forces of good too! I can chop onions without crying. What kind of monster would I be to waste such an essential gift?? Sparing my family members’ tear ducts, one stinky vegetable at a time.
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Why would you use that for good though? I would pretend I couldn’t do it and make other people suffer through it.
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Some days I’m tempted 😉
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Well, let me be your tempter. I am always down for helping people become their more bitter selves.
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Invisibility would be wasted on me because I’d probably still make myself known by dropping things, tripping over things, walking into things… Or sneezing at inopportune times.
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Yeah, you probably would need an invisible guide dog that would help you through the tricky situations. And maybe a Marauder’s Map would come in handy too.
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What about being super-bitter? Isn’t that a super power?
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Being super bitter is a power. One that would come in handy with those other powers for all the people that are coming after me.
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Now THAT’S an HGTV show I would watch!
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It would at least inject some drama into it. They might come after me, but then I would have to turn on my invisible powers and hide.
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I’m so with you on the telekineses: I’d only use it to retrieve objects I forgot to pick up before installing myself on the sofa (I hate it when you’re all comfy and you need to get up). I also dig the invisible driver idea… I’d annoy and scare the heck out of all the racemonsters on the road.
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That would be a really good way to scare drivers that were driving too fast. Just honk at them when they speed around you and when they are ready to road rage on you, they will see nothing and it will freak them out.
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Yes! Or bumpertag them like they always do themselves… Heheh.
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Is that like tailgating? I’ve never heard of bumpertag.
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I think I made that word up, but yea, tailgating.
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That is a great word and honestly a better description of what it is.
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I am so admitting this word to scrabble! Or, well, an international dictionary (who’s not me).
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Yeah, you really should get credit for a new word. I keep thinking that I will get credit for snarcasm, but I think someone else is claiming they used it before me.
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D: Snarcasm sounds like something I’d be very good at. You know. In theory. Not like I tried it out or something…
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I’ve tried it a lot, but people I use it against don’t always appreciate it. Good thing I’m not worried about that.
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You know, there’s probably some secret lab full of radioactive spiders somewhere in the middle of that giant salt desert.
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That may be true. If that is the case, I better start a mission on finding that lab. Right after I teleport my pizza from the microwave.
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Ben, you already have super powers, remember? You can make people bitter! Even if they are perfectly happy you can ruin that feeling by just pointing out the unhappiness that is lurking around the corner. You are special!
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That is true. Though even at that I have failed. I really only have a handful of people I have saved from happiness. So Super Failure man might be right.
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Don’t fret. There are billions of people in the world so you can still make that bitter quota.
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Billions of people that aren’t reading my blog right now. They need to get on it, because I’m getting tired of writing all these blog posts that they aren’t reading.
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You need to create a platform like Facebook so that you can reach the masses. Go for it!
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Call it Bitter Book, or Facebitter? Cause that is how mine looks all the time.
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Bitter book. Although Facebitter has a nice ring to it!
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As long as those things make me money, I don’t care how stupid they sound.
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That can be the selling point. Stupid does sell!
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Thus you can see why this blog does so well. Because it is so low brow, people just feel comfortable being bitter here.
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I never thought of it that way!
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It’s kind of why people liked America’s Funniest Home videos. And why I do gifs every week that are similar to that show.
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That invisibility trick in meetings is genius.
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I think that would be a fun time. Being a distraction in a meeting. Like I’ve never been that before…
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Every time there is a lightning storm I go out in the hopes of getting struck by lightning. Unfortunately I live in the city so there are lots of nice tall buildings for the lightning to strike. I could try going further away to the country, but that sounds like a lot of work…
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I used to like to climb on our roof when I was growing up. It was probably for that reason. Trying to get my super bitter powers.
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You exhibit the power of sarcasm….you should wear a cape….
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Super Sarcasm man. Has a great right to it.
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It does….Supersarcasm Man and his sidekick Meme boy.
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And his other sidekick Snark Kid.
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will you be carrying a kite and key?
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That seems to be the only way to get lightning attracted to me. I mean they don’t call it the Benjamin’s for nothing.
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