The other day I was forced into doing two things to sell my house. 1. Go outside and 2. Talk to people. Those two things are the leading causes of headaches, night sweats, jitteriness, and bitteriness. Obviously those things slice to my very core and make me want to parkour into some blackberry bushes.
Even worse, being outside causes this side effect that lasts for days. While you are talking and being outside, the mosquito uses it’s tiny size and ninja skills to literally suck your blood and leave a huge, red itchy unattractive bump on your body. They thrive off knowing that you didn’t plan on being outside very long. And their bites get itchier every day you have them. Right now, I can’t even concentrate on avoiding doing work, because they are so painful. My legs are going numb from all the blood loss. If you were to plan on going outside, you would do things like wear dryer sheets in your pockets, eat more garlic or spray mosquito repellent. Or at least one of those things (two of those ideas were suggested by an insane co-worker. Guess which two?).
I’m not experienced in the outdoor arts, so I don’t know how to breathe fresh air, or how to walk on the green blade like stalks growing from the the outdoor floor, but I do know how to attract mosquitos.
Thankfully, there are those things that can safeguards you from the tiny irritating ninja vampires. But what about the life sucking, soul reducing vampires that we call people? Why isn’t there a repellent for them? Oh? You say there is such a thing? Yeah, I guess you are right. People repellent works a little differently. It depends on the person you are trying detract. But once you find out what kind of idiot you are dealing with, you can use the right repellent.
For people like me that are terrible at math, there’s Solve for X – This sign located anywhere near your desk, in a seat next to you at a party, or in your car, will keep those pesky math averse people away from you. The sign will simply require a simple math equation be solved for X before someone can proceed to be near you. If you want people to be kept at a football fields worth of arms length away from you, this is the product for you. When they see the Solve for X sign, they won’t be able to see you and not take an alternative route.
What about those pesky overtalkers in your life? How do I keep them away you ask? Good question. For those those oblivious to social ques, we have Honkaway. An ingenious device that infiltrates the victims car alarm and sets it off. Simultaneously, a tow truck is called. The victim will not only be interrupted by the loud noises and realize that their car is honking loudly, but their car will be towed immediately, causing them to have to rush off and not talk to you. If you do this enough times to the overtalker, they will eventually realize that it is you doing this terrible thing to them and they will leave you alone.
What about those people in your life that are always talking nonsense? You know, they fought a bear in the woods this weekend, took a ride on the Mars Rover, and still had time to kick it on a river rafting tour for four days on the three day weekend? For this tale teller, we have the Yarn Spinner. For every tall tale they tell, the Yarn Spinner escalates it even further, while simultaneously spinning yarn around them, capacitating their vocal cords. Of course, this is only a temporary fix, because as soon as the Paul Bunyun gets out of the yarn, they will have more ammunition for their next tall tale. But then you pull out your laser pointer and use it on them for your amusement.
Your turn. What do you use for human repellant when people just won’t go away so you can avoid your work in peace? Let me know in the comments.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Repellent Ben
Good luck on the house Ben! Hmmm…..usually to block the idiot fuckwads at work I act like I’m picking my nose or scratching my ass. It normally insures them to move along quickly. 😂
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Yeah, I’m gonna need it. When the whole is over, there is going to be a really bitter post about it.
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Who are you calling insane. The insane one is the deadly mosquito repellent sprayer. Hmph to you. As for repelling people – look at them, keep looking at them, and don’t say anything. Preferably you will be using a blank stare.
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I’m pretty good at the blank stare. And the vacant mind.
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I recently came across a book entitled “Life’s Little Annoyances” that was full of clever suggestions for dealing with such people and ways to get back a companies that send unwanted junk mail (as if there is such a thing as WANTED junk mail).
We once had some Yarnspinners as neighbors. They couldn’t go take a shit without making it into a seven hour adventure. I don’t understand why these people don’t make their own movies. Indiana Jones is a lame SOB compared to their daily routine.
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I think that “Life’s little annoyances” could be another name for my blog, or what people like to call me.
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Don’t know about keeping people away. Usually if you don’t respond, they give up and move on. Mosquitoes mostly bother people with type O blood, although sweat, scent and other things draw them too. I’m a mosquito buffet. The only thing to effectively keep them away is a repellent with DEET. Too bad there is no DEET for people.
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I’m pretty sure I’m Type O, because those suckers seem to flock to me. I’m still getting new ones everyday. They must be thinking my arms are an ocean side resort bar and they are getting the best drinks there.
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I have giant headphones. They’re like satellite dish big. And I’m really good at the “I’m swamped and too busy for your nonsense” face.
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Oh man, I would love to be able to wear headphones all the time. But even then, my kids still talk to me and co-workers would actually actively seek to talk to me once I started putting them on.
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Then work on the facial expressions. They can’t take that away….
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Oh, I’ve got expressions. Lots of expressions. Some people are just not good at reading them.
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what bath = what people solve for x ; )
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I just know that solving for X is always going to stump me and make me run for the couch in no time.
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Happy landings! ; )
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My landings are always bitter because they hurt.
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One bitter bandaid, coming up! ; )
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I’m sure a bandaid will definitely cure what ails me. Lack of attention for getting hurt.
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You seem awfully excited about all this bitterness. How joyous!
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That only seems like excitement. It’s actually seething disguised as excitement.
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I loathe Yarn Spinners, they’re the reason why I have gaping holes in my wallet. They’ve made me buy way too much makeup than I need!
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And me way too many video games. Those Yarn Spinners are the worst.
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This company/artist makes great bitter-ful people repellent accessories to aid you in your quest… https://www.etsy.com/listing/65884634/never-trust-the-living-zombie-50-sheet
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I can’t wait to try some of that person’s stuff. Might you be the pervayor of those items just trying to sell such items, because if you are, bravo for your salesmanship.
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Of course not. Let’s just say I’m not very good at retail/sales. *laugh* But I do have the notepad and the “Oh S**t” sticker on my car.. https://www.amazon.com/Agorables-Shit-Frog-Sticker-Decal/dp/B0078H7TUW
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I wish I was the seller of people repellent stuff. That would be so fun to sell.
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🙂
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The sad truth is that some people will not be repelled by any legal means. These are the people that will not take “Shut up and go away” for an answer. Am I one of these people? Well, not really. You can easily get me to go away, but chances are I will not stay away. I’m a little bitter about my own inability in this direction, but we’re not talking about me. Also, I am supposed to be making my own blog post, not commenting on others’. D’oh!
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I guess there needs to be an actual spray like say mace or pepper spray but with the ability to get annoying people away. If someone comes up with it, they will be rich.
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Me to the Honkaway salesperson: “I’D LIKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK, PLEASE.”
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And they would probably say, “We are sold out, but come in the morning as we may be getting another shipment then.”
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guided missiles, bullets, knives, pepper spray in the eyes, kicks to sensitive areas, rusty sporks, “sign language,” the words “fuck” and “off,” poisoned wine, facial expressions akin to TheVerySpecialBlog -ger…I have my very own horrid R.B.F., a limited edition that conveys indifference and bitterness and rage. I try to pick the one response that fits the circumstance the best, from the spectrum of available ones.
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Those are some great repellents, especially the bitterness and rage. I like to use the Bitter Resting Face, which really I don’t have to work very hard at, and keeps most pests away.
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I’m all about giving people a look that says, “bitch please.” Learned it from my cat years ago. Works like a charm every time.
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I was born with that look. But there can never be too many people that could be an army around me to repel others trying to break through.
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…The Chaos Fairy is available for hire as a people repellent!–quite good at it, too…can provide an extensive list of recommendations/testimonials LOL
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The Chaos Fairy would be quite welcome to at least come in for an interview. I would love to see your references too, but I’m not going to call them, because I can’t stand talking to people on the phone.
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What?! You’re not a people person?! I’m shocked! 😳
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I know right? I think the only thing that has saved the people I work with is the cubicle. Otherwise they would see real bitterness.
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I was born with a natural repellent. My face. And it’s also such an effective birth control device, I was kicked out of the Catholic Church.
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My face was born with a perpetual scowl and a resting bitter face, so thank goodness for that.
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Once in a while I could use the Honkaway! Ha!
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That would probably be the most fun to use. The freaking out when they saw their car getting towed would be pretty awesome.
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I just love this so much…. I am going to crush the bitterness!!!
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Just do your best to stay away from the outdoors. They are dangerous.
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For me, that’s not hard at all. I have Tourette Syndrome.
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That is a good repellent. I find bitter stares or acting insane is a good one too.
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I find not showering to be very effective.
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That one was high on the list.
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Effect is enhanced if you also avoid deodorant and mouthwash. Or try this: sneeze into your hands, then extend one to greet the offending person. Nothing sends a person running like germs. 🙂
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Now that sneeze greeting. Why didn’t I think of that before? So many chances to do that, and I blew it.
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Ohhh, I like how you think…
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