Dodgeball: A Bitter Underdog Story


I guess I can’t dodge a ball. 

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” – Patches O’ Houlihan

“Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade, Laser…Blazer.” –   White Goodman

“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.” – White Goodman


Except myself! 

If you don’t know these names or quotes, you are missing out on one of the true classic movies of the last 15 years, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. In fact, if you haven’t seen it, put this blog down right now, and go get yourself a VCR or laser disc player and rent it from Blockbuster. You won’t regret it. If you watch it and don’t have at least one quote from the movie in your head when you are finished, then you have a bad memory and should consider going to the doctor to that checked out. It is like the Office Space of the Dodgeball world.

It dreams of a world where the great sport of Dodgeball is a professional sport, played by real athletes and is broadcast on a true sports network, ESPN 8, the Ocho and has real fans like Chuck Norris, and is run by William Shatner. In a world where handball and trampolining exist as Olympic Sports, I’m pretty bitter that Dodgeball doesn’t exist past the high school Physical Education level. It’s that kind of sad decision making that makes me want to move to Mars and live alone.

That being said, I had the opportunity to relive my glory years of Dodgeball dominance last night because we played as an activity for Scouts. Since I embarrassed myself a couple of months ago playing football, I decided that I couldn’t pass another chance to embarrass myself.  I disappointed them though, because I was hard target to get out. It might be that I was hiding behind some kid the entire time, but at least they got to laugh at how I was more out of breath after the first round than most people are at the end of a marathon.

Despite my success, there were no (talent) scouts in the gym last night, which means I wasn’t recruited to play in the pro league that should be coming out as soon as this post is published. But I had someone tape my highlights on their phone and I will be sending that to the talent scouts soon. Though I have some injuries to take care, I assume I will be getting the call soon. And I plan on being the first Dodgeball player in history to start the league on the Injured list.

I will be working hard to get back in play though.  I need to go into the lab for some much needed repairs. I’m going to get my arm replaced with a cybernetic arm from the CyberDyne corporation, my two shotty knees replaced with some ball pein hammer heads, my back with some ElastoPlastic, the new material used in 3D printers, and my feet replaced with some Dr. Scholl’s Gel inserts, so I can start Gellin like a felon.

I'll be gellin like a felon.

I’ll be gellin like a felon.

After these much needed repairs, all I will need to do to be in top form for my debut is to get my lung capacity back from the 80’s, when I was able to sit on the couch for hours and still get up without as much struggle. But that shouldn’t be hard to do. I just need a DeLorean with a flux capacitor to go back and get my 14 year old lung capacitor.

My much anticipated debut!

My much anticipated debut!

I can’t wait for you to see me on my debut on ESPN 8, the Ocho, where I get endorsements for Pizza Hut, Lazy Boy recliners, and Ed’s Remote Control Shack, and then you get to hear my speech right after, when I announce my retirement from the sport of Dodgeball because of debilitating injuries from being repeatedly smacked in the face by my own teammates for smack talking them the whole game, and I go down as the league’s worst player ever.

It’s gonna be just another Tuesday.


Bitter Dodgeball Loser Ben


80 thoughts on “Dodgeball: A Bitter Underdog Story

  1. Obviously you do not live in Michigan. Kids are no longer allowed to play dodgeball. It’s too dangerous for them. Unfortunately, you will never be a star here.


  2. a complete (mercifully short) essay which wraps IT up and states the case. yes, YOU will make it “big” (no i didn’t originally even think about your size) in the D-BAWL leagues. and you’re way (weigh?) better and above me, in that i aspire to improve to mediocrity in any of my so-called(ron) athletic pursuits ~


  3. We have professional dodgeball teams in the Netherlands! You can always try sending in your tape to them 😉
    Btw, I remember watching this film with my parents a few years ago and my mom nearly rolled off the couch from laughing. It’s really her kind of humour :’)


  4. Dude, you haven’t played dodgeball until you’ve done it blind! Everyone kept thinking I was doomed because I couldn’t wear my glasses during dodgeball (for unsportsmanlike if obvious reasons), but I’ve got mad hearing skills and was almost always last out. We need to form a team! The Bitter Ballers?


    • That would be awesome. I’m not much of a thrower to get people out, but I was pretty awesome at avoiding getting hit, which makes no sense because I’m old and slow and big. But for some reason it was driving these kids crazy that they couldn’t get me out. We could cause massive delays until they got so tired they wanted to give up. Bitter Ballers for the win!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Agh! I’m not sure, butter you might go to prison because I accidentally marked your comment on my blog as spam.

    ::panicked pant::

    Things were cool, I wanted to advise that you send Rainn Wilson snail mail to mend a relationship that sounds broken, and BAM, I dropped my phone and when I picked it up, it said I marked your comment as spam.

    I don’t even know what that means, except that it’s another reason why I can’t have nice things.

    Just needed to give you a heads up, ib case you go to prison tonight or something.

    Also, not to make a remark about your age, but shouldn’t you play dodgeball with people, um, who are in your age group? Hiding behind a kid seems like an unfair tactic.


    • Yep, Dodgeball is the best.
      I miss going to Blockbuster/Hollywood Video and actually walking the aisles to find a movie. Now we either have to find something in Netflix or go to some outdoor RedBox thing.


  6. Kudos to you for teaching your scouts that human shields are a thing. That is a necessary survival technique in a multitude of environments away from the dodgeball court.


  7. I love playing dodgeball. SO much fun. But that movie is a colonoscopy of a movie. I hate it. Could be because of my extreme disliking of Ben Stiller.


      • if you loooove colonawsome skapeez then (shameless persunull plug hear) scroll thru’ my archives to “and i hope you don’t mind”. i think that is either the title or part of it. i’m getting another c-scopy next year (if i live ’til then) and I KNOW it’ll be something i can blog about! plus there’s the swilling of the evile substances designed to emptee your system of ALL&EVERYTHING which i will mix 50/50 with whiskey … or tequila. haven’t decided THAT yet …


  8. Another fellow would be Dodgeball champ. I was great, I could move right to left fast as a …something. I gave up my career in pro Dodge to become a brain surgeon. I still miss the days, make me bitter ben.


  9. Yeah, except it’s Wednesday, right? I mean, please tell me it’s Wednesday because I washed my hair and I only wash my hair on Wednesdays. But I digress…dodgeball is the most barbaric sport ever, right up there with The Gladiators and I’ve seen the movie and can’t remember any of the quotes.


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