“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” – Patches O’ Houlihan
“Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade, Laser…Blazer.” – White Goodman
“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.” – White Goodman
If you don’t know these names or quotes, you are missing out on one of the true classic movies of the last 15 years, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. In fact, if you haven’t seen it, put this blog down right now, and go get yourself a VCR or laser disc player and rent it from Blockbuster. You won’t regret it. If you watch it and don’t have at least one quote from the movie in your head when you are finished, then you have a bad memory and should consider going to the doctor to that checked out. It is like the Office Space of the Dodgeball world.
It dreams of a world where the great sport of Dodgeball is a professional sport, played by real athletes and is broadcast on a true sports network, ESPN 8, the Ocho and has real fans like Chuck Norris, and is run by William Shatner. In a world where handball and trampolining exist as Olympic Sports, I’m pretty bitter that Dodgeball doesn’t exist past the high school Physical Education level. It’s that kind of sad decision making that makes me want to move to Mars and live alone.
That being said, I had the opportunity to relive my glory years of Dodgeball dominance last night because we played as an activity for Scouts. Since I embarrassed myself a couple of months ago playing football, I decided that I couldn’t pass another chance to embarrass myself. I disappointed them though, because I was hard target to get out. It might be that I was hiding behind some kid the entire time, but at least they got to laugh at how I was more out of breath after the first round than most people are at the end of a marathon.
Despite my success, there were no (talent) scouts in the gym last night, which means I wasn’t recruited to play in the pro league that should be coming out as soon as this post is published. But I had someone tape my highlights on their phone and I will be sending that to the talent scouts soon. Though I have some injuries to take care, I assume I will be getting the call soon. And I plan on being the first Dodgeball player in history to start the league on the Injured list.
I will be working hard to get back in play though. I need to go into the lab for some much needed repairs. I’m going to get my arm replaced with a cybernetic arm from the CyberDyne corporation, my two shotty knees replaced with some ball pein hammer heads, my back with some ElastoPlastic, the new material used in 3D printers, and my feet replaced with some Dr. Scholl’s Gel inserts, so I can start Gellin like a felon.
After these much needed repairs, all I will need to do to be in top form for my debut is to get my lung capacity back from the 80’s, when I was able to sit on the couch for hours and still get up without as much struggle. But that shouldn’t be hard to do. I just need a DeLorean with a flux capacitor to go back and get my 14 year old lung capacitor.
I can’t wait for you to see me on my debut on ESPN 8, the Ocho, where I get endorsements for Pizza Hut, Lazy Boy recliners, and Ed’s Remote Control Shack, and then you get to hear my speech right after, when I announce my retirement from the sport of Dodgeball because of debilitating injuries from being repeatedly smacked in the face by my own teammates for smack talking them the whole game, and I go down as the league’s worst player ever.
It’s gonna be just another Tuesday.
Bitter Dodgeball Loser Ben