I can always tell how one of my posts is doing not because of the stats, but how my phone(they don’t call it a smart phone for nothing) reacts. If it starts scaring people around me and buzzing, I know I’ve found a bitterness many people can relate to. Of course, my phone buzzes for a lot of things, so it could just be an email I’ve been expecting from a Persian Prince who has promised me $50 million if I give him my bank account number (you know, so he can transfer all his money there). Metal detectors also buzz in order to tell a security officer that you have a deadly weapon in your pocket (your keys). I’ve decided that I’m going to invent an app that warns you about all things in life. It will warn you about things like:
Females: “Honey, so I was talking to Janet and then I had to do this thing, blah blah blah and when I come back, I need the dishes done. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. REMEMBER TO DO THE DISHES!
Males: “This will be a great gift for her for her birthday. A new pot for her pot and pan collection…. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ DON’T GET HER THAT! GET HER FINE JEWELRY!
Television: You’re watching the playoffs and this game is a blowout and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, GO TO TNT, A BUZZER BEATER IS IN PROGRESS!
Job: You are humming along updating your blog, or checking out the highlights of the game last night, or the latest box office report, and BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, STOP DOING THAT AND PUT IT ON YOUR FAKE SPREADSHEET, BOSS IS COMING BY.
In Class: You are sitting in class, not paying attention because you were up too late last night playing video games and not studying, and the teacher is droning on about the bell curve or something. “Let me tell you an obscure fact, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, YOUR TEACHER IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING THAT IS GOING TO BE ON THE TEST!
Driving: You finally get past some traffic and can get home after only 2 hours of sitting in bad traffic and then you have a downhill with open space, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, THERE’S A COP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.
Spinach: I think I will have the spinach tonight, because it’s gross and will never get stuck in my teeth. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. HAVE THE CHICKEN! IT TASTES BETTER AND IT WON’T GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH!
Kevin Costner: Hey let’s go see that Kevin Costner movie about him being on the water/being a post apocalyptic mailman/in a romance. It’s only three hours long! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GO SEE JUNGLE BOOK! IT’S BAD, BUT AT LEAST IT IS ONLY AND HOUR AND A HALF!
Extended Warranty: I think I will skip on the extended warranty. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. GET THE EXTENDED WARRANTY! THE SECOND THE REGULAR WARRANTY RUNS OUT YOUR CAR WILL GO TO GARBAGE!
Buzzing Bee: Oh look, there is a bee. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE HE’S GOING TO STING YOU AND IT’S GOING TO HURT FOREVER!
Blogging: I have this really great idea for a blog. Make it about everything you are bitter about. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! DO A GOSSIP BLOG WHERE YOU CAN MAKE MONEY!
This Post: You start reading this post BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. BAIL! DITCH THIS POST. GO TO ANY OTHER BLOG!
Wow, my phone hasn’t made a sound today. Did I forget to turn it on? What situations would cause this magical phone app to start buzzing for you? What would it tell you to do instead?
Bitter Buzz Ben