Bitteraffirmations

 

If there is a picture behind it, and quotes somewhere, it must be real.

If there is a picture behind it, and quotes somewhere, it must be real.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this phenomenon called Facebook, but it’s what they call a Social Network where you and some people you call “friends” become even closer as friends by connecting through a computer box.  Here is what happens.  You go to this website http://www.facebook.com and you fill out all kinds of invasive questions about yourself that would make even a doctor blush, like your name, your home address, your cell phone where you can be reached at all hours of the day, and where you went to freaking high school.  Then Facebook continues to help you feel invaded by asking you share these intimate details with OTHER people.  People that you know.  Like your mom and your dad, your brothers and sisters, and then really close friends, like that one guy you went to high school with.  You know that pipsqueak freshman you made fun of that is now a pro MMA fighter? Yeah, now he wants to be “friends” with you so he can hunt you down and beat the crap out of you.  Luckily, Facebook is perfect in every other way and doesn’t get people wanting to rage quit every other day, because of all the things their friend of a friend of a friend overshares everyday.  It also allows you to add pictures so your friend of a friend of a friend can stalk you and figure out where you were on vacation, so they can rob and plunder your house. All these great things pale in comparison to the best part of Facebook.  You MUST find a friend or 20 that posts Inspirational Quotes 40 times a day, so when you wake up, you can find purpose in your day.  Like a goal…of wanting to hunt them down and tell them to stop posting them.

Just like some people like to live tweet events, (tweeting what they think about the Oscars, or Super Bowl), I’m going to live Facebook some quotes right off my feed this morning.  I’m going to take these quotes and show you how bitter they can easily become. Let’s hope that my lame friends don’t disappoint (don’t worry, they will) and give me the cheesiest of quotes that I can twist around and use to give you some Bitteraffirmations this morning.  I’m sure you won’t thank me later.

Liam Neeson is coming for you.

Liam Neeson is coming for you.

Facebook Quote #1: “Fact: The first person you think of in the morning and the last person you think of at night is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain.”  Bitteraffirmation: Let’s hope that didn’t just see Taken, Taken 2, or Taken 3 right before bed.  Because Liam Neeson doesn’t know who you are, but since you kidnapped his daughter, he wants you to know that he has a particular set of skills…

Facebook Quote #2:”It’s not about who is real to your face.  It’s about who stays real behind your back.”  Bitteraffirmation: What is someone doing behind you, anyways? Are they trying to see what you are up to on your computer? Are they stalking you on the way home? Are they trying to see the worst part of your profile? Stop being sneaky in the back and annoy me to my face…

Facebook Quote #3: Historically, there is a saying in the scientific community, that every great scientific truth goes through three phases. First, people deny it.  Second, they say it conflicts with the Bible. Third, they say they’ve known it all along.” Bitteraffirmation:  Can’t be true, because as we all know, Twitter IS science, and on there, first people say it, second they regret it, and third they move on because, “Squirrel!”

Squirrel

Facebook Quote #4: “It’s not wrong to be upset. It’s not wrong to cry. It’s not wrong to want attention. It’s not even wrong to scream or throw a fit. What is wrong is to keep it all inside.  What is wrong is to blame and punish yourself for simply being human. What is wrong is to never be heard and to be alone in your pain. Share it. Let it out.” Bitteraffirmation: I don’t know who’s mother told them it was okay to throw a fit, but that is not okay.  And who is the chump that ever solved any problems by sharing them with others? Don’t they know that the best way to overcome problems is to sweep them away in the dark recesses of your brain and keep them there until one day you can use them for revenge in the exact moment you need them?

Facebook Quote #5: “My mother always told me if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Bitteraffirmation: Well, you know what your dad would tell you if you were my son or daughter? If you can’t say something nice, make sure you say it behind their back to all their friends and help them lose all credibility.

Facebook Quote #6: “Nothing is permanent in this crazy world, not even your mistakes, failures, or troubles. So laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not be exactly where you had intended to go, but you are precisely where you need to be to take the next best step forward.” First of all, yeah that stain in my shirt is pretty permanent.  I’ve tried oxyclean and not even that could get it out.  Second, I’m not precisely where I need to be to take the next step forward because I’m sitting right now.

My favorite quote of all comes from the Bitter Philosopher Ben’s Fortune Cookie: “If there is any way possible, fake sick and go back to bed.  This is the only way you will enjoy work today. And your unlucky number is 1,7, 21 and 42.”

ARRRRGGHHHH

Bitter Bitteaffirmationalist Ben

 

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101 thoughts on “Bitteraffirmations

  1. My favorite quote I have seen is YOLO (you only live once), which is used to justify any number of “stupid” activities and ideas, like getting bad tattoos or flunking math class on purpose. If you only live once why not spend it doing things that will at least make you money on youtube…

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  2. #5 ? I don’t think your mom wants you to blog. The facebook thing…what the fuck ever. My page picked up over 1700 “likes” in a week for NO reason whatsoever – My suspicion is that there was a “rate the best butt” survey poll somewhere that accidently linked to my page – they probably thought they were “liking” a Kardashian butt (sorry to sully your site with that name). The best part? All 1700 plus followers are from Mexico and I don’t speak Spanish. Fucking Facebook.

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  3. These are all so true. I have a lady on mine that likes to write daily inspirational quotes that are the absolute same every time. They’re mostly directed towards her and it drives me bananas because she tries to sexualize them. Sexualized emotional quotes… How many times can you describe yourself as “yummy”? Apparently 365 times…

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  4. Funny post. You’re right how people have made an entirely new “acceptable” protocol for FB–things that they would never (hopefully) do in real life (well what is real life anymore. This is the millennial’s era..).

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  5. “I don’t know who’s mother told them it was okay to throw a fit, but that is not okay.” Pretty sure this post is the highlight of my day. Thus the reason I have ridiculously high privacy settings on Facebook and the reason most of my “friends” are blocked. Otherwise, I would go on murderous rampages… and that’s just not healthy.

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  6. Everything you said about Facebook is true Ben, but I can’t give up playing Vegas slots I’ve invested too much wasted time already! And damn… I use 1, 7, 21 and 42 as my regular Power Ball numbers all the time. No wonder I haven’t won anything!

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  7. I like the website for disaffirmations where you can get the demotivational side of the positive posters. But I have to tell you my mom, too, always said that if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all. But then again she told me there was a Santa Clause and an Easter Bunny. If she lied about that…

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