If you don’t know this by now, I’m gonna tell you something revolutionary about me. I don’t blog like other people. I don’t blog about recipes (well, I might do one if there is a recipe with something bitter in it and I learn how to cook someday), write about my family, blog about relationships, sports or hard hitting, depressing world news. You didn’t think for New Year’s I was going to do some uplifting recap of the year, did you? Well, yeah actually I am going to do a crap recap.
2014 was the worst, but I knew about that all the way back on January 10th when I did my 2014 retrospective. Miraculously, I was right for the first time ever. Though it didn’t take a genius to figure out that 2014 would suck. I predict 2015 will suck too and you will see next year I’m right about that too. But before we talk about how bad 2015 will be, let’s talk about 2014 one last time. 2014 was the year of the disease.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, there was a nasty disease that dominated the headlines this year. Ebola was covered in the news so much that I got more sick from hearing about it, than the harm Ebola ever did to me. The reason why I survived Ebola could have been that I was wearing an industrial astronaut suit to work or it could have just been the fact that 350,000,000 some Americans just like me, did not get Ebola. Some plague you turned out to be Ebola. I’ve heard of tiny mosquitoes that killed more than you.
But let’s not dwell on depressing diseases like Ebola. Let’s talk about other depressing diseases. Like the Ice Bucket Challenge. Now that was a disease that actually infected people. Like a whole bunch of people. In fact, if you look up the definition of a virus, the Ice Bucket Challenge also appears in the dictionary. Not all in the same place, but those three words are definitely in there somewhere.
You know what else doesn’t appears in the dictionary? A virus called the Kim Kardashian. She got married to an insane person that thinks he is the best rapper in the whole world and he’s not even as good a rapper as Vanilla Ice. She spent more money on that wedding than NASA spent on the Space Program the last 50 years. Good thing it will be over soon and we can get back to her breaking the internet with something larger than a NASA space station.
Speaking of spacing out, we had two worldwide sporting events that put me to sleep. Remember February? Russia? The ice skating and the ice skiing and ice dancing and the ice snowboarding and the ice marathon, and the ice 100 yard dash? Now that would be an interesting event. Too bad I’m not in charge of the Winter Olympics. And the World Cup, the world’s most boring sport taking up two weeks in the middle of the summer that I will never get back. Seriously, thanks for bombarding the airwaves with those compelling 0-0 ties, preempting Let’s Make a Deal. I couldn’t even enjoy my Happy Meal at McDonald’s because they kept trying to give me tickets to Brazil to watch it. If I wanted to fall asleep watching something, I would go to a meeting at work.
Another disease we succumbed(succame?) to was the disease of taking pictures with a camera not of other people doing things, but of ourselves. The hip, cool in-style kids call them selfies, but boring old me calls them quick self portraits. By the way, people have been taking pictures of themselves for like a lot of years. Why all of a sudden do people think they were invented this year? And why are people so uncreative that they can’t think of anything else to do with Instagram besides taking pictures of themselves with a mirror that shows mostly your phone along with a little of you? I can think of at least 3 other things that are more interesting, but not off the top of my selfie.
Speaking of my selfie, I’m pretty bored of discussing last year and all its diseases. I’m sure you are too. And I’m pretty sick of the bitterness this year brought. Hopefully 2015 will bring just as many bitter diseases as 2014 did.
Bitter Diseased Ben