Lost causes and Lost Bitter Posts Disney Chronicles Part 2

When I was 5 or so, my younger brother and I had just got some new pajamas.  Since I was the older and more bitter brother, of course, I got Superman and he got Batman pajamas.  Since I was imbued with all the superpowers of Superman, I didn’t need my parents help for anything, so I convinced my brother Batman that we needed to go down to the local elementary school and start digging to China in the sandbox, because you know, super strength and laser vision.  For some reason my parents thought it was necessary to bail out Superman and Batman from their digging to China excursion, so they came down to the elementary school get us to come home.  Maybe Batman needed help, you know, because he just has a gadget belt, but I’m Superman.  The only thing I’m allergic to is Kryptonite, so unless some stalker kidnapper had some spare laying around, I didn’t need no stinkin parents saving me.

Regardless, they made us come home and destroy their house instead.  Their call.  So speaking of people taking away all the fun from life, this weeks lost post is the second part of the Disney Chronicles, where I visited 6 parks in 7 days.  This weeks takes us back to:

The Bitterest Place on Earth – Disney’s Animal Kingdom Edition

Who wouldn't pay $300 for a view like this!

Who wouldn’t pay $300 for a view like this!

I am okay with paying money for things that are such a great experience that I couldn’t recreate them in my backyard or somewhere near home or do for free somewhere. For instance, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t build a rollercoaster in my backyard, or visit one for free somewhere. So, I will pay for tickets to go to an amusement park to ride roller coasters. I probably couldn’t get Lebron James and Kevin Durant and their NBA teams to play in my backyard for free. So, I will pay money for tickets to an NBA game. And I wouldn’t be able to make my own Hollywood production movie, because I am lazy and there are no free gaffers around. So I pay the money to go to the movies and I’m okay with it.


Disney bought a zoo and called it Animal Kingdom.

On the other hand, there is this place called Animal Kingdom at Disney World. It is a zoo. And I don’t mean like a crazy place where there are lots of people around and lines everywhere and it is loud and obnoxious (well actually it is all those things but not the zoo I was referring to). It is a glorified, Disneyfied zoo with an amusement park mixed in. I have been zoos that are bigger (I think. Is the Washington DC or San Diego zoo bigger?)

A black rhino

A black rhino


Somehow, Disney referred to this place as amusement park. They never mentioned that I had to learn things while I was there. I did go to school like most of you, but there were a lot of unpleasant things about school. I had to listen to lectures on things that that made me bored, but at least school was free. I went on a Safari where I listened to a Disney employee that must have been hopped up on several 5 hour energy drinks explain what the difference was between a black Rhino and a regular Rhino. (Hint:It has something to do with coloring.) I went to a petting zoo, where they explained that they had animals like pigs and sheep and goats. I have never seen animals like these in the wild! I’m so glad I got to pay money to a park like Disney to show me what I couldn’t see anywhere else, except maybe a farm or zoo.

My favorite part though was that I could be a Conservation Hero. All I had to do was donate in respective areas around the park to try to save endangered animals. Because I didn’t donate all my money to Disney at the parking lot and admission desk, I got the chance to donate more money for animals! Oh good. I’m glad because I had a few dimes left in my pocket and my credit card limit hadn’t quite been met yet. I want that endangered goat to eat while I starve here, so I don’t have to pay for a $10 Disney burger. I’ll eat tommorow thanks! Disney also helped me with my forgetfulness. Thankfully I got a sign every two feet reminding me of what only $50,000 will do for that goat(he’ll have a decked out crib!)


It is clear that Disney Magic was able to sum up all of Asia in two lovely rides.

Don’t think that Animal Kingdom was all about animals though. We took a stroll through the Asian part of the park. There was an awesome and totally unique ride never before seen in any other park. It was a raft ride where you may or may not get wet. I know, totally unique right? Of course, the couple next to us, consisting of a girl with a faux fir coat and tons of makeup (spoiler warning! her face melted and she ended up looking like a clown at the end) and her unwilling boyfriend who didn’t want to go on the ride were the only ones to get soaked. So bitter! Everyone who wanted to get wet (IE me) only got slightly rained upon (all I have to do is go outside of my house to do that). Also, the only cool ride in all of Animal Kingdom was located on the other side of Asia (a few hundred feet away) and was based on the legendary Yeti taking over Everest and by extension our roller coaster. It was dark, and fast and lasted at least a full minute. I only had to wait in line for 70 minutes (that’s 1 hour and 10 minutes in case you need me to translate) with a 5 year old who doesn’t sit or stand still and is scared the whole time. But he shouldn’t have been scared because he met the height requirements. Leave it to Disney Magic to capture the whole Asian continent which has 30% of the earth’s landmass, and 56% of the world’s people (if I had to learn things, so do you) into two lovely rides.

Since we are learning things, Dinosaurs and carnivals are completely sympatico, my feet were at 50% ready to be cut off, and animals aren’t supposed to eat coins! And learning things isn’t fun. And it makes me bitter. Next stop, Epcot….


In case you haven’t read Part 1 Magic Kingdom here is a link. Bitter reading!


Bitter Ben


30 thoughts on “Lost causes and Lost Bitter Posts Disney Chronicles Part 2

  1. Ooh, actually, I know a bunch of amusement parks you can just wander into for free. You might have to do some fast-talking to get onto the roller coasters there, or just buy a ride ticket for a couple bucks, but it’s pretty awesome to just pop into an amusement park and ride one thing and go off about your business.


  2. Oh no Epcot! You’re going to hate it! lol
    You should visit Toronto Zoo some day. That is an awesome zoo where you don’t have to learn things if you don’t want too.


  3. Hilarious! We haven’t taken the Disney plunge yet (read: too chicken that we may intentionally leave offspring there to wander in the zoo/park forever.) We may wait until they’re teenagers and over it so we can just go ourselves.


  4. A few years ago, it flooded really hard in Central PA and the entire area flipped out on Hershey Park/Zoo America because they didn’t save the buffalo in time. It was really sad because some jerk reporter took pictures of the buffalo floating down Route 422.


  5. Ahhh yes. The Disneyfied zoo… I spent many happy dollars there and didn’t manage to get wet either. And it was a zillion degrees outside on account of … Florida. Bush Gardens was way better. We went there in the autumn, but it was apparently mating season in Africa. My kids got rather an education on the disproportionate anatomy of the male lion, and the mystery of how camels manage with those humps was at last definitively solved. Yay. And then there were the hippos who didn’t seem bothered that their toddler hippo was STILL IN THE TANK with them. *shudder* I’m sure Junior hippo will have plenty to tell his therapist one day…


Your Bitter Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.