I’m a longtime fan of action movies. Some people like action movies for the explosions or the tension, or the unbelievability of it all. While those are all good things, especially the unbelievability of them, it’s the individual fight scenes between two fairly even opponents that fascinates me. That is what most action movies seem to forget. Fans like me want to be able to see a significant fight between the protagonist and the antagonist. There have been a few standouts in action movie history in my mind. There was John McClane vs. Karl. While Hans Gruber was the main nemesis, it was Karl who physically gave John McClane a run for his money. Then there was the mathematically equal match of Neo and Agent Smith in the Matrix. There was Sean Archer and Castor Troy in Face/Off.
I’ve been teaching my son to fight since he was little (or more accurately he begs me to wrestle with him all the time) so I have done much to train him in his quest to be the world’s greatest wrestler/ninja/street brawler/karate champ/fight club champion/gun slinger/action hero star. While my real world knowledge of fighting (a 0 out of 1 record involving one sucker punch) is severely lacking, I have extensive action movie knowledge to draw from so I can teach him how to fight. Things I have taught him are: Punch/counter punch, defense creates offense, stay low, gain the higher ground. I’ve taught him how to block and fake punch. However, my best advice by far is that anything can be a weapon. I’ve been teaching him that lately. So for instance, if you lose your sword, grab anything in room that is available. If it is sand, throw it in their eyes. The other day, when we were tromping around the house, I found an empty bread bag, and started swinging it at him. While it wouldn’t have taken him down against a sword, I could have distracted him enough for me to get a bread kneader or a plate to throw at him.
It all came to a head yesterday, when remote control of the house was at stake. As you have probably heard, the remote control hierarchy at my house is Mom, Son, Daughter, visitors, neighbors, hamster, then me. But when mom is gone all bets are off. She left for a while so the epic struggle for the remote was at hand. Normally I relent because I usually watch the same cartoons as they do, but today was NBA tip-off and the Spurs were on. I would not be denied. However, the Cartoon Network was calling sonny boy, so we fought. I reached for the remote, but he grabbed it before me. I got in my ninja stance and we did the remote control face off.
I lunged for the remote, he blocked with his left hand. I did a twisty 360 followed by a “Ha!” He reached out with his other hand a grabbed a Minecraft Sword, while I reached for cardboard tube. We clanged swords in an intricate dance of cardboard on foam. Eventually the soft rubber spikes overtook plain cardboard of my old wrapping paper roll and he descends on me. While I flail on the ground, I grab some dirty clothes and fling them at him and cause his to drop his sword, and the remote. When I reach for the remote, he puts his foot down and grabs a Nerf gun and shoots a dart, but misses and he has no spares. He jumps back to get more ammo, while I grab a basket. He shoots his ammo at me, but I block with the Longaberger basket, though with the hole in the bottom of the basket, one dart gets stuck just 3 mm from my face. I do a backwards somersault and throw the basket to the side. He abandons the gun and I chase him to the kitchen.
He grabs a freshly washed knife from the dishwasher, while I grab a dirty fork from the sink. We knife/fork fight for a while until he backs me up against the refrigerator. Just as he is about to swing the fatal blow, I open the fridge door to block him and the knife knocks down all the drawings on the fridge and it makes him slip. I finally get ahold of the remote and start switching the channel, but the button is stuck. So I have to change the channel one at a time. This gives the boy time to get up and he tries to wrestle me to the ground while I am furiously trying to get the channel switched to TNT. Just as I get to Channel 645(one channel above TNT) he pulls his Nerf Gun up, with one remaining dart and says, “Not one more channel. Drop the remote, or I make the last dart count!”
I slowly drop the remote, he grabs it, sits down on the comfy La-Z-Boy, one hand on the remote, and one with his Nerf Gun. He changes the channel to Cartoon Network. I sit down exhausted, defeated, and without hope. I sit in the uncomfortable chair, my back still killing me, out of breath. Then it occurs to me. Anything can be a weapon. “Buddy, give me the remote, or you’ll have a time out.” He whines, protests, but eventually puts his gun down, hands over the remote, and I get to watch the game…until Mom walks in the door and the remote goes back to where it belonged in the first place. With mom.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Remote Control Loser Ben
And all is how it should be.
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Reblogged this on Beginning Life at 43 and commented:
Wow.. if you think this is all about the Matrix (an awesome movie) you’d be wrong, and right. No folks.. this is such a more epic battle as this father spends some quality time with his son and not the NBA. I’m really impressed Ben not the least bit Bitter. I hope you will check out his blog and try not to laugh to hard at this amazing post!
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I just used the Matrix pictures to dupe people into reading it. It worked! My evil plans for making people read my blog is starting to work! At least once anyways.
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Heh heh.. so did my superman video entice you? LMAO.. no not my plan.. Superman is my hero.. and that is actually the very best movie they’ve done yet.. I mean, for a geek comicbook gal… it was a honor and a tribute. Also, I totally slammed the jerk who hurt me as well.. LOL How do you like that bitter ben?
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I haven’t been around to all the blogs that I follow lately, because my parents are in town to annoy me. I would write about all that, but they read the blog, so you might not get the juicy stuff.
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darn, I like juicy details, but nice that they support you.
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I’ll probably try to sneak something in cause I’m subtle like a hammer.
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Ben, I did print this and read it and wow did I have THE BEST LAUGHS.. what an amazing dad/family man you are.. and writer. Yes it should get an Emmy.. it was abstemiously awesomely out of this matrixly wonderful. So glad I took the time, and definitely going to re blog it on my blog it was just wonderful. Have a great day, and keep fighting for that remote!!
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Wow, somehow I really potrayed myself as a family man by trying to destroy a 7 year old for a remote control? Then heavens yeah, I am a family man! I’ve thought about doing a Bitter Emmy awards but then I would just win everything and people would get bitterly jealous.
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Are you kidding me??? No kid would love a dad more for all that. See, you met miss inspiration. I see things things way beyond what they appear. And yes, totally cool dad. heh heh.
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Miss Inspiration, you gotta stop, you are almost making me not bitter. Just kidding, I’ll always be bitter.
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heh heh heh… gotta do you guy.
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I’ll take care of the bitter while you handle the sweet.
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and writer too.
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There is just way too much good material for me not to be a bitter writer.
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can you say that three times fast? bitter writer bitter writer bitter writer. Heck I couldn’t even type it fast, lol.
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I can’t say anything fast. I would be stumbling all over those words.
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Oh my gosh that’s hilarious!
We all know you really watch the action movies for the romance parts.
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Yes, I love when bromances form over almost getting shot hundreds of times.
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I believe that! lol
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Being a kid in your house sounds like a bitter experience. You must be proud.
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Yeah, my kids are pretty dang good at complaining already, so you know they learned from the worst.
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Hah. I am VERY curious as to how that remote hierarchy was established. I’m fairly certain neither I, the hamster, or John McClane. will be able to pry it out of my husband’s cold dead fingers. Your wife is one deadly hombre. I’m impressed.
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Well, you know the power women have in relationships. There is “the look”, or the “the stare” or any number of other techniques. The remote with the boy, well it’s a fight everytime and I’m pretty lazy and out of shape. The girl just uses her lower lip, the guests use guilt and the hamster just rolls around in his ball stealing it from me.
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Also, I agree completely with what you said. There should definitely be more one-on-one battles/fights/etc./etc./etc./etc. in action movies.
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The one on ones are awesome. Be assured that my book will involve lots of one on one battles.
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😀
I really loved this one. It was mostly cute, with only bits of bitter.
But . . . DID YOU NOT GET TO WATCH THE GAME? I can’t even . . .
Our first game is coming up on Sunday. (Unless I somehow got mixed up about things, which is possible.) Can’t wait! 😀 😀
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I got to watch most of the game, but then went swimming. It was fine, cause I like to watch the highlights later. Plus, I don’t like the stress of the back and forth.
Excited for your Wildcats. Are they gonna be good this year?
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Wow what a great shot of such a great movie. Had to even comment before I read the post. Will print out and read later (no internet at home!)
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The Matrix was a great movie and the one on one battles were the best. I just wish there were more.
Well, make sure you get somewhere that has the internet, cause I don’t think this website works without it.
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Oh and btw.. its a sci-fi not action!! Lmao just a geek anally pointing out the obivious.
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Of course it is sci-fi. But it also has action right? Or can we can Sci-faction? Then we are allowed to do both in a movie?
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Yes FOR SURE!!!! Sci-faction it is!
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I think there should be a whole new genre called Sci-faction.
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Oh and I do have it at work. Which is where I’m sending you these messages. Just not enough time here to read all the posts. So when I get home, I read some of them after printing them out. I just hate that I had to wait until the next day to comment lol!
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I guess I better make sure these are sent to you at work then, so you have something to do when you are ignoring work, like I only do about 90% of the time.
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Lol I’m getting them Ben and thanks :)))
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Glad you are getting them. Now if you could just get internet at home you could read all of them.
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Don’t ever let anyone say you don’t spend quality time with your son. Now don’t neglect your daughter. Girls like to fight, too!
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My daughter loves Hollywood Star Planet (a game on the computer). We have our things together too, so don’t worry about that.
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Oh so glad. Wouldn’t want you to miss getting notes from school about her behavior like I did.
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I never get the notes cause I am so oblivious to things like that. Luckily the wife takes care of the notes.
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LOL! That was hilarious. Also, it totally explains what happens to my house when I leave. I have long suspect somebody was re-enacting the Matrix when I’m gone, and now I know. This explains everything. I have now solved a universal riddle.
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The problem now is that my wife will know now. I’ll probably be in trouble when I get home.
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Well, you can always catch up on sports on the internet. Cartoons are sacred and must be watched.
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But sports is the ultimate reality show. You never know what will happen. Cartoons will always be on reruns.
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My daughter controls our remote at all times. So it’s nonstop Sofia the First. Pray for me.
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Ugh. Sofia the first is the worst. I thank the heavens that my kids finally like cool cartoons.
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Excellent pitch – you should run this by some producers and watch their epic battle over who will win the rights. You’d have to make sure they used the right actors, though.
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This will be up for a Bitter Emmy award someday. Especially since the Bitter Emmy’s is a committee of one.
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Amazing what you can do once you get off the couch.
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This is all in my dreams, so my imagination got off the couch and that was clearly too much for me.
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I figured as much.
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