My Bitter Secret Identity

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Surprise!

 

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret.  This one will probably take you a little time to process, but here goes.  I’m Batman.  Go ahead, gasp at your desk, or your phone or your Ipad.  Okay, have you had a chance to breathe?  Yes, I know it’s a little risky to tell you all this, but I’m doing it on this “Ben’s Bitter Blog” that some of you have been following for a quite a while.  Let’s be honest, though. If I called it Bruce’s Bitter Blog you would probably mob this blog and crash the sight every time I put out a post.  Because it is under the “disguise” of Ben’s Bitter Blog, it doesn’t exactly broadcast to the whole world.  And think about this.  If you all told people that you followed Batman on WordPress, they would all laugh in your face, so I’m pretty safe there.  Besides, what do you think a billionaire like myself does in his spare time? I’m pretty much caged up “like a bat” (get it?) in my mansion all the time, because if I go outside during the day, I’ll be mobbed by adoring fans.  And if I go out at night, I have to dress in my “night time costumes”.

Don’t believe me? Well consider this evidence why I am indisputably Batman.

1. I like the dark.  I don’t get scared when someone turns off the lights.

2. I have a deep voice that kind of sounds gravelly. It was mostly because I had a cold and so you don’t mistake me with my real identity.

3.  Ask my parents or my girlfriend Rachel Dawes.   Oh wait, you can’t.  But if you could they would tell you I’m Batman.

4. I hung upside down once.  It really hurt and a lot of blood rushed to my head and I decided not to do it again after that, but that proves I am bat like in my body positioning.

So I gave up my secret.

So I gave up my secret.

5. I was in a cave once. It was dark and kind of cold(make sure you wear a jacket if you ever go caving) and all I had was a flashlight.  I only got a little scared of the one tiny bat flying by in the distance.  Cause I’m Batman.

6. Have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room at the same time? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Go ahead send me pictures if you have them.

7. I taught myself how to fight.  I’ve been all around the house watching stuff on television and practicing my fighting moves on my son, and I almost always win.  So maybe he beat me that one time, but I was trying to changing from my Batsuit to my casual clothes, and he attacked while I was facing the other way.  He didn’t REALLY beat me.

Behold, some of my Batgear.  The Batfan.

Behold, some of my Batgear. The Batfan.

8. I’ve got all kinds of Batgear.  I can show you if you ever come over.  Just ignore the Toys R Us price tag on there.  I’ll get that off as soon as I get my Bat Sticker Removal Glove at Target.

9. The car I drive to work is totally a disguise.  Unfortunately, with the gas prices the way they are these days, I can’t exactly drive the Batmobile to work.  It gets like 3 miles a gallon.  And the manual locks and windows make me look “common” like the rest of you.

10. I’m really bitter.  You’d be bitter if you were a billionaire and all these wierdos kept attacking you and your parents died when you were young.  And Gotham kept thinking you were a villain.

11. I’m a mystery.  Where do you think I go everyday for lunch for an hour? Do you really think I go to the library and write?  Nope I’m out fighting high prices at department stores.  Where do you think I go at 3:30 pm every day?  I don’t get home until 4:30 pm.  I’m fighting traffic.

Speaking of mystery, I have to go.  I’m so busy doing stuff, that you may not hear anything from me for like 24 hours or so.  Just get used to not seeing me whenever you feel like it.  Right now I’m off to fight boredom.  Cause I’m Batman!

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Batman Ben

 

 

 

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43 thoughts on “My Bitter Secret Identity

  1. Pingback: Bitter Advice Thursday, Man(B.A.T.MAN) | Ben's Bitter Blog

      • Poor poor bitter Batman! Your bitterness fills your time with indignations…How do you have the time to save the world? And the question that begs to be asked, why would a bitter Batman want to save the world?

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        • I’ve never had time to save the world. I leave that to Superman. I just work on Gotham, which as you noticed isn’t really around anymore. I just retired to Europe or something with Catwoman remember?

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  2. And now it all becomes so bitterly clear. The real mystery is how we didn’t figure this out on our own, since it’s so obvious. You don’t happen to have a spare can of rat repellant on your utility belt, do you? Oh wait… you can’t reach it. You can NEVER reach your utility belt without Robin’s help. Poor bittter Batman…

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  3. The only problem with that Bitter Bat Man is that you’re gonna have to be getting off the couch constantly to answer all those annoying emergency calls. It’s going to cut into your tv watching and video playing time. You’re going to have to act up-beat and heroic in front of the cameras too. You might want to consider delegating Bat Boy to be your PR representative, lol.

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      • Really.
        You got up, put on the bat suit you had to let out, got in the batmobile, and then drove all over Gotham looking for crime, and then fought said crime… All this during the precious hours you had off work? You didn’t once sit on the couch and watch crappy TV?
        Let’s call a spade a spade, here, Bitter not-Batman

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        • As you know I fought crime a while ago. When the Joker and Bane were around. Now I leave to that one guy while I go to Europe and date that stupid catwoman. Okay, you caught me. I could never date a cat. They make me bitter and they shed. Oh sorry are you a cat. Yeah, well I’m a bat. Things just couldn’t work out.

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  4. Well I’m utterly jealous. Not because I want to be BAtman. My goals arent’ that lofty. I want to be Dracula, or at least SOMETYPE of vampire. Barnabus Jones was my hero growing up, and I even briefly wanted a coffin to sleep in. I want a BAT fan like you show here!….I suppose I could fashion one with a bandsaw and a sander. Oh heck!!! What’s the use!! I cant feel the bat fan down inside the coffin anyway!

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