Since I’m an introvert, (which means I only talk or listen to people when I feel like it), I have a lot of time for observation. I like to observe people because it gives me the opportunity to judge them and make wild assumptions about why I can’t stand them. Of course, when people talk to me, they usually prove me right. It really sucks being able to have this ability, but you know, that is just another reason why I am bitter.
Back to my point. As an observer, I get to see people make wicked fools out of themselves all the time. I pretend not to watch people fall in a rain puddles, or when a boy is trying to impress a girl and it is clear that not only is it not working, but he has no idea it isn’t working. It also gives me a lot of time to come up with ideas. Lots and lots of ideas. Mostly really bad ones that will damage the very fabric of humanity, or will simply just annoy people. While it would be great to implement these ideas, I either have no time, no talent, or no ability to build these enormous machines that would destroy your house and your ability to know it was me. So until I get that inheritance from my dad Lottery McLucky, who doesn’t want to share with his other sapplings, I’m stuck trying to implement the terrible and cheap ideas.
Thing is….every once in a while, a genius idea appears (yes even to me). A brilliant book idea that must be written immediately…a genius invention that will change the world for the bitter, or a recipe (not for disaster, but for a tree printer, that prints money).
Problem is…My mind is a jerk. It is bitter and angry and jealous. It’s probably because I get to live outside the body, and even though he operates my arms and legs and bitter face, he doesn’t get any credit. So you wanna know how he gets his revenge? Ideas. He knows every single one that I have ever thought of…or that he thought of. But he hides behind the short term memory. He knows I’m like Doug, the squirrel chasing dog, and he knows that once that 30 second window of short term memory is up, he can put that sucker into a deep dark recess of the brain that he knows I can’t access. Because I didn’t find some mnemonic device or some trigger that helped me remember. He knows he’s got me. And he stores that bitter idea up there something fierce. He’s not letting that thing go. He’s locked it up, in the Idea Safe and there is no way I’m getting that thing out. It’s bulletproof, waterproof, fireproof and the combination is 40 numerals long. Though having a safe with just four possible combinations would suffice for a math averse, lazy idiot like me. But just so he gets the most satisfaction, he taunts me with glimpses, or deja vu’s or recurring dreams, just so I will almost remember it, then lose it again, bitter and frustrated.
Your mind may do that to you too, but mine takes it one step further. He throws parties, shoots off neuron particle firework shows, and clogs up my his information highway, so I can’t remember answers that I clearly perused one time in a book. He’s kind of a jerk, making me study so much just so I can use a calculator to add up 1+1. (It’s three right? Shut up, brain, you know it is 4!)
Well, my brain is going to pay for this. I’m going to post this thing and expose how much of a jerk he is. And the best part is that I am going to make him make my hands type it. Take that you stupid brain! Just try to stop me .sajdflkajfdslkjfdlaslfdk;jfd. That’s it, Brain! I’m hitting publish and there’s nothing you can ksdlajflk about it! There is going to be an Idea Vault break in when you least expect it!
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Brainiac Ben
I’m beginning to think that perhaps your brain and my brain are somehow related… like distant relatives… like third cousins twice removed (how does that ‘removed’ thing even work, anyway? Nobody I know seems to understand it…!) Maybe you’re my spirit animal… or is it bitter animal… bitter spirit? Hmmm there needs to be a better term for this…. perhaps our bitter brains needs to brainstorm together?
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If your brain is as good at hiding things from you as mine is then yes we are somehow third cousinly related.
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Hello repressed memories!!
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Repressed memories are the bitterest.
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I would make a lengthy comment congratualting you on a truly bitter post, but the protons and electrons are coming over for my neutron party.
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they are not here yet, which is why i spell like a turd
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My brain makes my fingers type errors all the time.
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That sounds like an epic party. My brain often throws parties and doesn’t invite me.
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Are the Pointer Sisters gonna be there…?
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No but the Proton sisters will be there.
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I think you should write a book about pizza. Your mind would be preoccupied with the smell and taste and leave the rest of you alone during the research phase.
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I think if I had to write a book about pizza it would be longer than War and Peace.
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I think you’re on to something, using threats and intimidation against your brain to get it to cough up information. Obviously it’s time to get tough with the grey matter. I’m pretty much at that point myself. My neurons are holding back on me too, and I’m NOT liking it. You’ll let us know if you have a bitter breakthrough, huh? GREAT POST, as always!
(ps. The pizza section of your brain might be slightly under-represented in your graph)
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That’s the only way to deal with a bully is to bully it back.
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Pingback: In case you missed it…because the media was chasing you | Ben's Bitter Blog
Really? What is so bad about having a bitter brain…you should try having a bitter female brain…the fun never stops…ideas flow in and they flow out..in and out ..in and out… ARGGGGGGGGGG!
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Nothing bad about it. Mine has always been bitter. Which is why I am bitter.
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Reblogged this on siliconvalleylatebloomer.
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Wrote a comment and not sure if it posted – sorry if this is a duplicate – but I wanted to pass along a video about the “genius” in all of us: https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius
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Thanks the second comment and video. Now my stats will double! I’m taking over the world now!
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Introverts unite!
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Yeah, let’s do it! though in separate places!
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You’re hysterical 🙂
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Introverts can only unite seperately.
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Your genius reminds me of this video – I think you’ll enjoy it: https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius
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My genius is all hidden by my brain.
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Ain’t no party like a neuron party? What was I saying?
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I feel like neuron all the time.
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Your brain is a jerk but I kind of like him.
Since you are a professed Introvert I thought you might like this:
http://fortressofdissolitude.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/militant-introvert-your-struggle-is-not-my-struggle/
Have a Bitter Friday.
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That is pretty much how I feel about people that persecute my introversioness. They should know to mess with that or my bitterness.
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You always put a smile on my face with your silly nonsense! Terrific!
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It sure is nonsense. I’m the Bitter Dr. Suess.
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I’ve cancelled my weekly 2PM appointment with my therapist and just e-mailed the link to this to his personal Google mail account with the subject matter “CRITICAL: FROM PATIENT.”
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I’m always glad to get people out of therapy. Who needs it when you actually want to be bitter about stuff.
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God bless you.
If you ain’t bitchin’ and moanin’ and bellyachin’ and foamin’ at the mouth, you ain’t payin’ attention.
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Whinin and complain is what I do!
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… and not only raised it to a science, but to an art form
For me, it’s just referred to as a “symptom”.
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And made a blog centered around it. Lazy and easy.
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Brains are teases. It happens. Take a nap.
That be what I do when I know I have an idea, but don’t know what it is.
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I’ll be taking a nap, that is for sure. I usually write stuff down in a completely illegible manner, so as to forget them even more than when I think about them.
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Do you need a hand with your ‘IdeaVault’ break in? At least your bitter brain can’t stop me…………… right?
Anyway, awesome post..
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I would love a hand with it. I hope you are good at breaking down vaults.
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Whenever people talk about working out what 1 + 1 is, it’s worth asking one what plus one other what, which should befuddle the questioner long enough for you to run away.
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I like the confusion technique. It works on me everytime, so I assume it works on everyone else.
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ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH, Ben! I got some Idea back there, but lost it! And in the Brain Graph, I score a whole 11%! So there.
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I’ve got some great ideas about what you can do, but they have been hijacked. Stupid brain.
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I am completely agreeing with you on silently judging others. It’s amazing to see how little self-awareness people can have when interacting with others. Then again, too much self-awareness can be pretty bad too. Such is life. The frustrating thing is that I spend a lot of time thinking up how I would let them know about how annoying they are, knowing very well that these thoughts and opinions are going to stay in my head and those people are going to go away and live their lives completely unaffected. I wish I had the courage to be that dick who confronts people about being dicks.
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Man do I ever. The life of an introvert. We are super good at coming up with clever responses and awesome put downs, but we can never say it out loud.
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Loved that “Brain Map”. Very true, tragically …
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My brain map is mostly empty and all my ideas in the back being locked in my brain bank.
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The worst part is when your brain convinces you that your ideas are original, and then you consult the Internet and pretty soon you realize your brain is a plagiarist.
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My ideas are all original. My brain is just jealous that he pretends that they all aren’t.
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Bitter comment? Really? Do you want to read a bluntly honest comment? I did not read your whole post. You lost me after first two paragraphs. Why? Because I am hungry right now.
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I was gonna reply to comment wittily, but never finished reading it.
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lol
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My brain is a big ol’ jerk too. Also, I’m pretty sure that 1+1 is eleventy hundred.
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I guess me and my bitter brain don’t know how to add. I bet my brain doesn’t even have math in his deepest darkest vault.
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Math (or Maths) is evil. Avoid at all costs.
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You would think a bitter guy like me would be on the same side as math since we are both evil, but math is more like a henchman that the main evil guy is always getting pissed off at.
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Oh bitter Ben! You are not alone, but the fewest people notice it. One more proof of genious.. Sorry
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Welcome back Tutti! Are you still drawing? I hope to see more of your brilliant art work soon!
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THAT was BRILLIANT! It’s too bad I don’t know html shortcode or anything, cuz I would have really liked to up the font size and super-bold that “brilliant”… Either way, GREAT POST! 😀
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If any part of that post is brilliant it was because my brain let that idea out, just so it could look better. But he’s not going to let any more good ideas out that is for sure.
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Your brain is so much like my brain. Or maybe it’s my brain is so much like yours. Whatever. I bet your ideas are much better (and bitter) than mine … if we could only access them. Thanks for making me feel bitter about my brain and about being an introvert.
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My ideas are almost all brilliant. Unfortunately, my brain has stolen all of the brilliant ideas and just let me have the stupid ones. What a jerk!
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The worse part is you know you are brilliant but the people around you are not. You are therefore the Dr. Sheldon Cooper of brain power, alone and creative beyond comprehension. I salute a fellow brain power source.
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I would be brilliant if my stupid brain would let me have all my intelligence. Unfortunately he keeps it all inside and only let’s me have the bitter and stupid stuff.
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