In In case you missed it…because you were busy telling your mom sorry for being such a bitter brat

Because you were busy

Because you were busy telling your mom sorry for being a bitter brat.

Orr….maybe that was just me.  Yeah, definitely.  My mom raised 5 kids, a husband, a cat and a dog.  She fed the dog better than me, but on the other hand, he didn’t bark back at her as much as I did.  She woke up super early every morning to teach me (and a bunch of other brats, I mean my brothers and sisters) in early morning religion classes, or to make thousand of lunches that none of us ever appreciated.  One time she even won $100 grocery store gift certificate and instead of using for me us for some good cereal or some Little Debbie Nutty Bars, she decided to donate it to our local soup kitchen, and in doing so, created a tradition for our ward that continues to this day.  Not once was she ever bitter.  The bitter gene skipped a generation.

For those of you who also skipped bitterness this week, you missed my First Ben Gardner Newsletter about taking over the world, which is fine because it was a pretty poorly written piece of kindling.  Obviously, that hasn’t happened…yet. That has of course made me pretty bitter.

It wasn’t even Friday and there was talk of pizza.  Of course, pizza is always worth talking about any day.  Especially when using it to explain how everyone just wants to take a pizza of me.  See how many pieces of Bitteroni pizza I get sliced up into in Bitter Pizza Me.

And after a disaster of a week, we needed some Friday Disatrophy Giftures to explain how bad it was in gifs of other people’s disasters.  Cause nothing inspires you to be a disaster like seeing someone else trying to top your bad week.

I did some reporting of bad things via 140 characters or less, via the Bitter Twitter:


People made bitter comments on things I wrote:

On Bitter Ben Gardner Newsletter:

“I applaud your consistency of terrible output, replete with awful grammar and spelling in each and every post since 1998.

Ah, yes, I remember. This probably won’t work, but: youtube={}” – Kerbey

“I just want to know; why did you give up politics? The Vice Presidency is still an option.” Longchaps2

“You have the worst grammar ever, said nobody ever.
I remember pinky and the brain, it was a love hate relationship. I hated Brain but I also was jealous of his intelligence. Pinky was so stupid but he was cute. What an emotion-invoking show. ” Rynolesxon

On Bitter Pizza Me:

“There are no slices for me. Just pizza bites. Is that a thing? Or are there only bagel bites? Well, whatever. I have so many that I couldn’t bear to bitterly list the Toppings. I wish my pizza had Stoppings. But still and all, I don’t have tomato sauce in my veins so that’s at least something. Ben Gardner? This blog was great! Just the right amount of spice, bitter/sour, metaphor and humor. You put the pizazz in pizza!” Little Miss Menopause

“Stuffed crust pizza ALL THE WAY! Or occasional meat lovers stuffed crust. As long as there’s stuffed crust. Just give it to me already!!!!!!
My all time favorite is salami and banana peppers. The salami sweat just oozes all over and dances with the banana pepper’s juices. I discovered this when I lived in Germany. MmhmM MmhmM! “Real Italian” pizza.

And pizza has all food groups, so you’re not hurting your body at all. Lol” Shawna in Wonderland

“Quite bitterly creative!
I wish I would have thought to do this first…then I considered it. I really did consider re-blogging this and adding my 8 slices of chaotic pizza…and then I realized that we’re eating the same grub & there would be absolutely nothing original or creative if I attempted that.
However – I do prefer pizza cut in squares… think of the possibilities… There are probably over 20 pieces of pizza that way.
I’ll add one…
Housework:Tuna Delight… I hate tuna – I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it..I hate the breath of people who just consumed it. There is NOTHING I enjoy about Tuna Pizza. I do not order it – but it demands to be eaten.
I do disagree with your dislike for Papa Murphy’s – but, I grew up eating bland meatloaf 3 times a week for 18 years…so as my husband likes to point out – I enjoy eating cardboard. I’m sure your opinion is more favored by the majority.” – Properly Ridiculous

On Friday Disastrophy Giftures:

“The ‘flying’ one?
Yeah, I have a friend that did something like that when we were younger. (Called it a skippidy-doo.) She broke her ankle.
I didn’t see it.” – C. Miller

“That kangaroo’s better at basketball than I am. But then I was once faked out, literally, by the player on the other team telling me to go to the right, so I did, and he went right around me, as would be only sensible in the circumstance.” – Joseph Nebus

“I have a lot in common with the dog who didn’t make the couch. If it’s been a long day or I’ve eaten too much, sometimes I don’t land where I intended to, either.” – Katie

And finally some bonus giftures:

Cause Monday.

Cause Monday.



Because still Monday.

Because still Monday.

Annnd…..back to the bitter work week.


Bitter Momday Ben

17 thoughts on “In In case you missed it…because you were busy telling your mom sorry for being such a bitter brat

  1. While I am having a bad day – at least my car didn’t fall into a road hole…could be worse…& the work week hurdle – this is going to sound mean…but how much you wanna bet that the blond lady in the periwinkle jacket behind her was secretly cheering in her head when that happened? She didn’t want to jump over those hurdles either…


    • Doesn’t sound mean at all. Of course, you are talking to one of the meanest, bitterest and least sensitive dudes out there. I got no problem laughing at others for my own pleasure. I think it is one of you Norwedish words. Schadenfreude. My favorite.


      • I love norwedish words…even more than Norwegian words 😉
        At an office I used to work at, I’d always strategically park my car in the best spot…that spot was right in front of the patch of ice that was never salted. I’d spend my lunch break sitting in my car watching people bif it…
        Those were the days…


        • Norwedish is the best, though Japanish is a fun language too. I need to learn both of them.

          Wow you really have a great idea there with the parking spot. But I guess you have to wake up really early to get there for it. Since, I’m always the earliest, I need to do that.


  2. WTF, why do you eat crappy pizza?! You live in Seattle, for crying out loud, and you eat the crappy, corporate pizza?! Why, why, why… what’s wrong with you?! And what the hell does MAP and SI stand for?!

    (love the lady falling over Monday gif…)


      • That’s the first time someone referred to me as a food critic… usually, it’s something else.

        Okay, I get it, guys don’t give a crap where their pizza comes from, do they? As long as there’s a pizza in front of them…


        • Right. If I ever do get a hold of GOOD Seattle or So Cal pizza, I definitely wouldn’t turn it down. Especially if it is in front of my face.

          Are you not a food critic? I know you are being sarcastic on your posts, but you are still a food critic. Just not one that is getting paid…or are you?


        • Well, I use that term loosely. I prefer to call myself a food writer, or dish critic… or a hot dish… or just “hot stuff”.

          But yeah, I get paid… or did, but not from my blog. I was writing for a local magazine, but we couldn’t come to a meeting of the minds. I offended the hell out of ’em, if you can imagine. Now onto the next thing, whatever it is!


        • Whoa you really did get paid? Nice! I’m so jealous! I want to get paid for being bitter, but haven’t seen any job openings for it. Well, “hot stuff”, here’s hoping you get a new gig getting paid for writing your saucy critiques.


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