Let’s face it. May has been a disastrophy. Things aren’t going well. Spiderman 2 only made $92 million at the domestic box office, it is still raining every day in Seattle, and so far every day since the beginning of 2014, sports radio has said the name of Johnny Manziel. Now that he has finally been drafted, we can now look forward to hearing his name as a disaster pick even more. Yeaaaah…How about some more disatrophies?
We decided to buy a new house. As soon as we bought it…
…the roof, the roof the roof on…uh I mean off.
When I inspected the parking lot I wanted to get a closer look…
…but not this close.
I’ve fallen…
…and I can’t get up. Wait never mind…
When going down….
…always stair down your competition.
When checking into a hotel…
…make sure to check out the pool.
When performing your grand schemes…
…make sure your partner has a getaway, uh car…
When attempting to fly…
…make sure you bring your wings…
When showing off your diving skills…
..make sure you bring your swimming suit..
When trying to impress a girl…
…make sure you bring you standing skills…
When trying to get into the NBA…
…make sure you bring your dribbling skills…
When testing out the new flooring…
…make sure you bring your walking on four leg skills…
And for goodness sakes when slacking off on a Friday…
…QUIT WORKING SO HARD!
If only I could take my own advice. Why am I even doing a post today? Why can’t one of you guys just do this post for me? Why am I putting up with this? That’s it! I am quitting this post! I’m not going to type any more after this sentence!
ARRRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Disastropy Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
1. I think I shall start saving your Friday Gifs for crappy Tuesdays. I needed them today & they boosted my mood a solid 5 points.
2. I actually read the title as “dysentery” rather than “disastrophy” the first time & thought I was going to have the pleasure of some Oregon Trail GIFs. (Bitter Ben has died of dysentery – press 1 to have a proper burial – press 2 to keep moving).
3. I have fallen while trying to fly – that girl, did it way more gracefully. Kudos to her.
4. I was trying to think of something clever to say about Donald Sterling with that kangaroo – but nothing came to mind.
5. I read an article today that said the owner of the Browns told Mr. Johnny Manziel to start acting like a backup. It didn’t make me full blown smile…but it did make me smirk.
Happy Tuesday, to You.
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You should definitely hold off for Tuesdays. Friday is a little too easy not to be bitter about.
Sorry for the dysentery title. Even I wouldn’t want to read about that. Though if I died in Oregon Trails, I would have died of a bitter heart, and with some dysentery.
I wish we could have gotten your fall on tape, so we could feature you on the Bitter Gif Friday. Who wouldn’t want to get famous that way?
Is Sterling even alive or just a ghost? Do ghosts even open their eyes, cause I doubt I ever saw him open his?
I heard about the owner saying that too. And why wouldn’t he want to give his future average starter the confidence to want to be good at holding the clipboard his whole career. Tebow should be his inspiration.
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I appreciate your support for my Tuesday GIFest (that’s GIF-FEST…put into one word, in case you didn’t catch that).
I’ll have my dad go through his boxes of home videos – I’m sure it was captured at some point…I’ve never been a graceful person. Famous I shall be!
I think you’re onto something with Sterling…I thought something was off – and you’re right. Eyes are the window to the soul & he apparently doesn’t have one of those.
I’d respond to your deal about THAT GUY…but I don’t want you to have to read his name anymore.
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I have posted the Friday Gifest for the week, but you should hold off until Tuesday before you view.
I think that would be funny if your dad was able to find those old videos and you could somehow convert the footage off of there to Youtube. I couldn’t even trust my parents with my valuable Ben Gardner Newsletters. I had to find them in my stuff since they lost theirs.
Thanks for not mentioning he who should not be named because we are probably going to be hearing from him for years to come.
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I definitely agree about Tuesdays. Wasn’t it Kurt Vonnegut* who said, ‘The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.’
(* Actually, no it wasn’t – an urban legend apparently – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen . Still it’s true about Tuesdays, whoever the hell said it.)
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There is no idle about my Tuesdays. There are always worse than Mondays. So if I have a bad Monday, I know a storm is a brewin’ on Tuesday.
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The most humiliating things in life happen because of a lack of basic skills. Why are we all so ill equipped? Surely it does not take much to walk, or stand up, or to remember your wings.
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You should see the lack of basic skills I have. People must have a riot just watching how difficult it is for me to do easy things.
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But you should be proud of yourself. It would be a boring world if we were all experts. This is how to gain prosperity.
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I know. Thanks to my lack of walking skills numerous people around me get to witness someone falling bitterly and hilariously on a regular basis.
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…or to remember your fried-pork Devil wings.
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I think I may have some devil wings on my back that just haven’t sprouted.
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And how’s the roof?
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The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.
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What can I say? Still bitter after all these years —
watching old movies on Sony Bittermax,
watching old actors in bitter parts.
Watching the Bold and the Bitterful.
I am bitter over these plays on words…
–Mark
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I find those puns quite bittertaining as they are the bitterest form of humor. Which is why I use them all the time.
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With all the bitter stuff that you type, Ben Bitter,
you have the right to be bitter, Ben Bitter,
Ben Bitter. Love is often the answer,
but Bitter is often the winner, and is
what’s for dinner.
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Love is never the answer. Bitterness is always the answer.
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It has occurred to me that certainly that woman in
the Yoga class was bitter about having her butt felt-up.
Babies? Babies are born bitter. The only means
of communication they often have is through crying, bitterly.
It’s in bitterness we begin, and bitterness we often
end. At the center of the Milky Way Galaxy is
an EXTREMELY big, extremely bitter black hole,
methinks. But you are bitterly aware of all
this, anyway, as I am.
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I think it was pretty crappy of that guy to do that while pretending to “follow what the baby was doing”.
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You’re right, standing skills are a must when hitting on girls. Unless he’s in a wheelchair, cause then it’s alight I’m cool with that too.
Also you kept typing after you said you wouldn’t so… liar.
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That must have been my fingers that snuck in those last few words. Though I’ve never claimed to not be a liar from time to time.
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Gahahaha! The catwalk disastrophy made me snort cider up my nose. Maybe I could work the catwalk a bit better myself if I laid off the cider… awww… now I AM bitter…
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I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t fall, because I have so much gravity holding me to the earth.
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The ‘flying’ one?
Yeah, I have a friend that did something like that when we were younger. (Called it a skippidy-doo.) She broke her ankle.
I didn’t see it.
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So sorry about your friend and her ankle. I’ve never heard of any breaking an ankle only spraining. That must have been pretty painful.
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It was a long time ago, and like I said . . . wasn’t there.
I’m sure it was pretty painful. I don’t know what I’d do without the proper use of my feet/ankles. It would cause so many problems for all the sitting I do.
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That broken ankle could cause you quite a bit of pain when you are sitting and writing on Leonard (isn’t that the name of your laptop?). Maybe a cushiony couch or something to put your feet up on would be a good thing.
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Herald is the laptop. Beatrice is my phone.
Even though I was joking about the ankle, it actually would be miserable for me. I sit cross-legged when I’m working and I honestly don’t think I could be comfortable enough to do anything if I couldn’t sit the way I sit.
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I’ll have to remember Beatrice (phone) and Herald (laptop).
I would have cramps and all kinds of pain if I was sitting cross-legged like that for any length of time, or at all. I always stretch out my feet and have to have something soft to put them up on. (like right now). If I’m at work, I try to get away with wearing any shoes at all if possible. Do you wear shoes while writing or just socks…or barefoot. It’s funny what you do to make yourself comfortable.
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Thanks. My sister actually referred to my laptop by name the other day. She said, “Bring Herald.”
Cracked me up.
Sitting cross-legged is actually most comfortable for me, which is weird because my hips are all sorts of messed up. It definitely doesn’t help in that regard, but it helps in others. I do have to stretch my legs out sometimes, but that makes me more uncomfortable. Can’t do it for long.
Nope, no shoes once I’m in the shed. Fuzzy socks. 🙂
And I’m in PJs almost constantly if I’m not out doing stuff (which is rare).
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I love that you name your most precious items. I am really bad a naming things. So much so that I not only don’t have a name for my phone or laptop, but not even my car. I could barely come up with names for my kids.
I wish I was flexible enough to sit cross-legged. That was long ago before the bad back and bad knees. Maybe if my legs weren’t so long. I cursed my daughter with long legs too so now she is going to be cursed with my bad knees and back too. Ugggh.
I’m with you on the shoes part. I probably only wear my shoes about 20% of the day at work. Sometimes I even walk around the office without them. Most people just know that is gonna happen, so they need to deal. And when I’m home, they are off 18/7 (or however many hours I’m at home. I don’t really wear PJ’s just shirt and shorts. Maybe once or twice a year do I wear PJ’s (usually Christmas).
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Don’t put that sort of evil on your daughter! (Ricky Bobby)
Maybe she’ll get the long legs without any of the issues.
I usually consider a shirt and shorts to be PJ’s (in the summer, but I’ve been sticking with the pants so far this year). Then again, I’m usually in layers.
Fuzzy socks, PJ pants, shirt, hoodie, robe.
Yes, even when it’s hot out. For the most part.
I just don’t see any point in being uncomfortable at home.
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I sure hope my daughter doesn’t get the bad knees. I’m afraid it is too late to not give her the bad teeth and the clumsiness. It looks like she is going to have to get braces just like me.
I’m pretty much short sleeve and shorts or sweats all year round. I do like jammies, but I already change twice most days, (work clothes to home clothes) and I hate creating laundry for us any more than we already have. Sometimes I even **gasp** wear a shirt twice before putting it in the laundry. I agree that you should always be the most comfortable at home.
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I hope she doesn’t get bad knees either.
I had braces when I was in school. I think most people had them at some point. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I was going to say that if she’s clumsy you could put her in dance classes or something. But I’m super clumsy and get by just fine. (ISH)
(Maybe you should put her in dance classes? >.>)
Meh, who cares about wearing a shirt twice?
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I actually enjoyed the ole braces. I was young enough when I got them that I was more cool for having them than nerdy and my teeth are so much better for having them now. I barely get any cavities because the ortho seemed to take more care of those teeth monthly and I got all kinds of protective flouride and all that. We will probably be starting her on those soon since her teeth are starting to look like my mess as a kid.
We did try dance with her and she just didn’t seem to get it or really like it so we dropped it eventually. She played flag football and wants to play volleyball. I think those will both help.
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I never had a problem with having braces either, apart from hurting myself with them a few times and whatnot. Felt so weird to get them taken off.
I still have a permanent retainer on the first few of my bottom teeth, and there is ONE TOOTH RIGHT NEXT TO IT that’s crooked. ONE TOOTH. RIGHT NEXT TO IT. -_-
That happened within a few years of getting the braces off, and there it’s stayed.
I’ve had so much crap done to my mouth that I seriously hate the dentist now. Had a lot of them pulled/fillings/sealing to prevent needing fillings/etc. I HATE the dentist. O.o
I had to go about a year ago and it was so freaking horrible.
Is she at the ‘braces’ age?
Ah, well if she didn’t like dance then you wouldn’t want to make her do it. I’d say any sort of sport like that would help. Do they have volleyball teams for kids there? Hopefully she enjoys it when she plays it.
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You are right about when they braces came off. I remember how smooth my teeth felt and how odd it was. But I remember how cool it was. And barely anyone noticed when I got them off. Could have been of how invisible I was back then. I kind of wished I had my retainer. My bottom teeth are overlapped a little right now, probably because I stopped wearing it like 10 years after. How is that having a permanent retainer? Does it feel weird? At least you know that your teeth are staying right. That makes it a pain when you have ONE FREAKING TOOTH RIGHT NEXT TO IT THAT IS CROOKED!
I’ve actually had very little done from the dentist. A few fillings, here and there but it seemed like some treatments I had when I was younger prevented that crappy stuff from happening. I was so lucky to not to have too much done.
She just turned 10 YESTERDAY! I can’t believe she is already 10 and she is already taller than Wife. I can’t believe how tall she is. She is only about a head shorter than me. She may overtake me soon!
Hopefully someday she will grown into her body and she will be good at whatever she tries. She was doing harp for a while, but we were tired of paying so much for her lessons when she wasn’t really into it. She might get back into it soon as we have found a new teacher that might want to teach her. She is someone in our ward, so it would be much easier and she might even come to our house to do the lessons. That would be awesome.
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Haha, yeah, I definitely remember how weird it felt getting the braces off.
For the top, I had one of those invisible retainers. My teeth changed pretty shortly after and it wouldn’t fit (and I didn’t want to go back), so yeah. I got lucky in that they’re all still straight.
The permanent one is sort of weird. I’d imagine I’ll have to get it taken off at some point. I guess I started grinding my teeth a bit at some point, and I’m thinking there will be a time when the metal bracketything will poke up.
I guess it’s pretty weird. You get used to it. Freaking SUCKS for flossing though. I should probably just have it taken off, but the last time I went to the dentist, he told me I didn’t need to.
Happy late birthday to your daughter!
HOW TALL IS SHE?
I hope your daughter enjoys the harp if she gets back into it with a different teacher. That’s definitely an awesome thing to do. How many people can say they know how to play the harp??
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Speaking of braces, she just went in yesterday and got some spacer things in, and today she is going to get some teeth pulled(she’s got some stubborn ones that just won’t come out, thus she has some shark teeth. Shark week, haha). She is pretty excited about them too. She was walking around imagining how people would see her and think she was a new kid in school. “Oh look, this new girl has earrings and braces. Is she new in the school?” She has a great imagination. That is why I keep trying to get her to use it toward writing. She would be great on YouTube. She is always mocking those infomercial commercials. Reminds me of me with the imagination, plus the ability to string words together on camera(her, not me).
The thing about teeth grinding is that just about everyone does that. I do at night (can’t really help it, right?) and you can’t help but have you teeth make contact right? Sounds like having a permanent tooth sucks for the most part. I guess dentists really just want you to be coming to see them forever, because money. Otherwise, they would just let you give your tooth back and be done with it. AMiright?
Amanda sure had a great birthday part and talking about it whenever she got a chance. I love that it doesn’t take much to please her at all, while Calvin pretty much demands a new toy everytime we go out and expects to be served all the time. No wonder we call him King Calvin…By the way, my daughter is 5’5 as of her birthday. She’s been gaining about 3 inches a year, which means if she keeps doing that in three years she will be taller than me. Let’s hope she slows down a little.
She did do harp before, but didn’t like practicing. Let’s hope she does better at that or it won’t really be worth it. The things we do for our kids…
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We really have so many freaking comment threads going. I keep telling myself to potentially cut down on some of them, but I can’t help wanting to respond. I have issues. XD
LoL, it sounds like she really does have an imagination. Did the kids think she was a new kid, with her braces/earrings? XD
Husband grinds his teeth SO BAD. It’s not as bad as it used to be. He would wake me up grinding his teeth. O.o
It’s weird that your kids are so different with expectations/birthdays and whatnot.
I meant to text and ask, but I didn’t want to bother you and then I forgot. And then I was going to say something about it in your last blog and I forgot (even though you were talking about it). How did the halftime go??
Yeah, your daughter is taller than I am. lol
She’s 12, right?
I think that’s actually around the age that I stopped growing. 13 or so. Weird to think that I’ve been the same height since middle school. I think I grew an inch between then and now. Maybe.
Has she started the harp back up yet?
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The halftime was awesome. We got recordings and pictures and she had a great time. She actually got to high five and she was on TV for a little bit. In the background, but definitely her. (she stands out quite a bit with her long legs.) I had a great time too. Though like you(though not quite as bad), I don’t like big crowds too much, but being there had a certain energy that you don’t normally get. Plus I didn’t have to talk to anyone so that was awesome. what I love to do is observe other people (which explains why I like malls so much).
Yeah, the girl just started harp up last Monday. She really likes her teacher.
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Bitterly brilliant! 🙂
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Bitter yes, brilliant, only my computer screen.
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That kangaroo’s better at basketball than I am. But then I was once faked out, literally, by the player on the other team telling me to go to the right, so I did, and he went right around me, as would be only sensible in the circumstance.
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Players should be nice enough to let you know the right way to go. I should just tell people when I’m about to dunk on them.
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Wishful thinking ben wishful thinking
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Yep, getting Manziel to go away isn’t realistic.
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I hear we’re to get even more liquid sunshine tonight, with a side of thunder hugs. Damn you Manziel!!
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With my bitter luck rain will appear right over my head and lightning will strike my head.
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I think something is wrong with me because out of all of the clips I laughed the hardest at the Kangaroo. ? He was just so awful at basketball. 😉 Thanks for the unexpected laugh!
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I know and to think that he thought he could make the varsity team next year. Not unless he works on his jump shot.
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I have a lot in common with the dog who didn’t make the couch. If it’s been a long day or I’ve eaten too much, sometimes I don’t land where I intended to, either.
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Sometimes you just get dog tired huh?
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Hysterical!
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My lazy Fridays are the best because the gifs do all the work while, I get all the credit.
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Disastrophy is your finest contribution to this world. It should probably be on your tombstone.
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It’s what many would call me life, so as long as there is room to fit all the bitter things I had in my life on the tombstone, I will make room for my disastrophy.
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Hilarious at most parts.. Enjoyed your blog..!
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I will do bitter job next time making sure it is more bitter, less hilarious.
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The baby yoga…priceless. As usual your bitterness will pollute my Friday, thanks for that Bitter Ben.
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Always glad to pollute people’s Fridays. I kept noticing that there was a guy in the circle of baby yoga feeling the girls butt next to him. Wonder what she thought about that.
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What?! I missed that, now I must go back and look
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Could have have just been me, but I’m pretty sure right in the foreground.
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