They say everything you ever learned, you learned in Kindergarten. While all my bitter learning took place well before kindergarten, there are other fundamental bitter things that came after. I did learn about the ABC’s in kindergarten by way of the Letter People, which I guess isn’t the way that people learn these days. That is a shame, because back then letters had personality and some were actually a little bitter. Nowadays, they are just boring letters and they form stupid words like “smile”, “positivity” and “selfie”. Sure they may show in up in cereal every once in a while in the form of a marshmallow, but words are way overrated especially when people are using them to talk to me.
It’s time for a hardware upgrade on the old fashioned 26 letter alphabitter (at least here in Amurica). Let’s stop teaching little babies to say Mom and Dad, and start teaching them the Alphabitter.
Note: It may appear that the alphabitter “borrows” letters from the current one, but that is just a lack of the imagination on your part and the lack of a keyboard that types the Alphabitter yet. An Alphabitter letter may look like words but they are letters with meanings and it doesn’t limit itself to just one letter per letter (You know what I’m saying?)
The proposed alphabet in Alphabitterical order:
ARRRRGGGH – This should be the way we express our distaste for anytime anyone ever asks us to do anything ever.
Bitter – This is the root of everything we do. If we are from America, we are Bittericans. If we are employees, we Bitterees. If we are angry all the time, we are Bitter. The English language might claim they had this first, but they are wrong.
Cacabals – This describes how you feels on Mondays, any hour between when you get to work and when you leave.
Discagigate – This is what we do to someone that we can’t stand.
Ergonoway – A subtle and devious way to say nope.
Fractension – The bitter divide in opinions between you are right and everyone else is wrong.
Gactorrepulsive – A way to describe Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, or Rosie O Donnell.
Hafalump – What you feel like at the end of the day after every day of work ever.
Inspiritated – What happens when you are trying to come up with a blog post and people at work, or “family” or “friends” are insisting that you do something besides post stuff.
Jaspatic – A type of bird similar to a loon only with more ticks.
Kackspurilla – When you are feeling not at all thrilled.
Luzaltim – When no matter how hard you try, you still end up in second or worse.
Megaunahkill – A slight, yet not slight at all feeling toward anyone that gets in your way.
Naztxover – When you confuse someone so thoroughly that they can’t concentrate on doing anything but getting revenge on you for the rest of their life.
Oppyayunome – Stealing what isn’t yours and not having any regret about it.
Powztofayz – A shock so shocking that you are shocked and are reeling from the shock of all the shocks.
Qzqxz – Something so rare that if you don’t pick it up right now, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Ratsperabz – A disease that causes constant wringing of hands, nose scratching and eye fluttering.
Snodictato – Someone that does not deal with authority well at all.
Tetasto – An extremely bitter herb that goes on the top of salad to make it taste even worse.
Unclistery – The act of talking really fast and not making sense at all.
Vespitake – The clearing of your voice before you say something really vile to someone.
Wandagohoam – It is something you desire to do always, but will never get to do.
Xpertinly – When someone is super smart, but has no common sense.
Yeddinspring – Having dreams of doing something, but always getting let down.
Zanticolix – A desperate cry for attention that will never happen.
It will only take a few minutes to read and study the Alphabitter and you should have it memorized. Just make sure you are in a bitter frame of mind and when you learn it, and that you are ready to start teaching your kids or any other random baby you come across, so that this take can take over the way overused alpahabet. Soon you should start seeing keyboards with the Alphabitter on it instead the ABC’s.
Note: There is no need to spell these right or use them with proper grammar as that is something that only the Alphabet requires.
Bitter Snodictato Ben