The Alphabitter

This is how you learn about the alphabet.  This is Annoying Albert, I think.  Next was Bitter Ben.

This is how you learn about the alphabet. This is Annoying Albert, I think. Next was Bitter Ben.


They say everything you ever learned, you learned in Kindergarten.  While all my bitter learning took place well before kindergarten, there are other fundamental bitter things that came after.  I did learn about the ABC’s in kindergarten by way of the Letter People, which I guess isn’t the way that people learn these days.  That is a shame, because back then letters had personality and some were actually a little bitter. Nowadays, they are just boring letters and they form stupid words like “smile”, “positivity” and “selfie”.  Sure they may show in up in cereal every once in a while in the form of a marshmallow, but words are way overrated especially when people are using them to talk to me.

It’s time for a hardware upgrade on the old fashioned 26 letter alphabitter (at least here in Amurica).  Let’s stop teaching little babies to say Mom and Dad, and start teaching them the Alphabitter.

Note: It may appear that the alphabitter “borrows” letters from the current one, but that is just a lack of the imagination on your part and the lack of a keyboard that types the Alphabitter yet.  An Alphabitter letter may look like words but they are letters with meanings and it doesn’t limit itself to just one letter per letter (You know what I’m saying?)

The proposed alphabet in Alphabitterical order:

I know this is a lot to digest, but hang in there.  Or don't.

I know this is a lot to digest, but hang in there. Or don’t.

ARRRRGGGH – This should be the way we express our distaste for anytime anyone ever asks us to do anything ever.

Bitter – This is the root of everything we do.  If we are from America, we are Bittericans.  If we are employees, we Bitterees.  If we are angry all the time, we are Bitter. The English language might claim they had this first, but they are wrong.

Cacabals – This describes how you feels on Mondays, any hour between when you get to work and when you leave.

Discagigate – This is what we do to someone that we can’t stand.

Ergonoway – A subtle and devious way to say nope.

What happens when someone tells you Ergonoway.

What happens when someone tells you Ergonoway.

Fractension –  The bitter divide in opinions between you are right and everyone else is wrong.

Gactorrepulsive – A way to describe Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, or Rosie O Donnell.

Hafalump – What you feel like at the end of the day after every day of work ever.

Inspiritated – What happens when you are trying to come up with a blog post and people at work, or “family” or “friends” are insisting that you do something besides post stuff.

When someone

I’m inspiritated right now. 

Jaspatic – A type of bird similar to a loon only with more ticks.

Kackspurilla – When you are feeling not at all thrilled.

Luzaltim – When no matter how hard you try, you still end up in second or worse.

Megaunahkill – A slight, yet not slight at all feeling toward anyone that gets in your way.

Naztxover – When you confuse someone so thoroughly that they can’t concentrate on doing anything but getting revenge on you for the rest of their life.

Racoons are experts at Opp

Racoons are experts at Oppyayunome.

Oppyayunome – Stealing what isn’t yours and not having any regret about it.

Powztofayz – A shock so shocking that you are shocked and are reeling from the shock of all the shocks.

Qzqxz – Something so rare that if you don’t pick it up right now, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Ratsperabz – A disease that causes constant wringing of hands, nose scratching and eye fluttering.

Snodictato – Someone that does not deal with authority well at all.

Tetasto – An extremely bitter herb that goes on the top of salad to make it taste even worse.

Unclistery – The act of talking really fast and not making sense at all.

Vespitake – The clearing of your voice before you say something really vile to someone.

Wandagohoam – It is something you desire to do always, but will never get to do.

Xpertinly – When someone is super smart, but has no common sense.

Yeddinspring – Having dreams of doing something, but always getting let down.

Zanticolix – A desperate cry for attention that will never happen.

It will only take a few minutes to read and study the Alphabitter and you should have it memorized.  Just make sure you are in a bitter frame of mind and when you learn it, and that you are ready to start teaching your kids or any other random baby you come across, so that this take can take over the way overused alpahabet.  Soon you should start seeing keyboards with the Alphabitter on it instead the ABC’s.

Note: There is no need to spell these right or use them with proper grammar as that is something that only the Alphabet requires.


Bitter Snodictato Ben


78 thoughts on “The Alphabitter

  1. Pingback: Jettisoned Bitter Friday Pictures | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I’m so glad that all our talks on non-words and the like inspired this.
    Firstly . . .
    (I do like a few of his movies and can tolerate his face in those despite having random urges to punch the television.)
    Secondly . . .


    • It was a fun one to write. Let’s hope it becomes cannon soon. Then you will have to use these made up words in your books and then it will become more famous.

      I also can’t stand that 5’9 dude mascarading around as a Hollywood star when he should be working in a factory somewhere in obscurity.

      And that racoon is pretty awesome stealing right in front of those cats. Kudos to him.


      • I know I’ve mentioned that made-up word in book 4 of my series. It should seriously be in the dictionary. It’s not. The thing is that I looked it up before (when I was writing the series a couple years ago) and a few people have used it in articles and the like, in the context I meant it as. That means it would be widely understood and should BE A WORD. (Just like snarcasm.)
        Funny story of where that word I used came from (I didn’t think of it, unfortunately), but I’ll spare you from having to read it.

        I think you’re being generous with his height. Isn’t he 5’7?

        I agree. Kudos to the raccoon.


        • I think you need to reveal the word to me, so I can be the judge of that. It will be for the betterment of the world. (or at least me). I just need all kinds of insider info so that when you get famous and are being hounded by reporters, and they go to me for info from the “trusted confidant and best friend”, I can turn them down and not tell them anything. Cause they aren’t getting anything from me.

          I will be glad to hear the funny story when you have time to tell it. I’m always way more down for funny stories than sad ones.

          All I know is that if I was to see Tom Cruise in person, I would be looking down on him like an elf. And that would make me laugh.


        • Haha, if you text me later and remind me, I will TEXT you the non-word that should be a word.
          I’ll be so mad if it ends up being a word before that fourth book is released.
          Glad to know you wouldn’t tell anyone any insider info. haha XD

          I couldn’t remember what funny story you were talking about until I remembered WHAT we were talking about. I hate typing stuff like that out because it takes so much longer than the two minutes it would take to actually SAY it. Is that weird, when I write books? >.>

          I wouldn’t be looking down on Tom Cruise like he was an elf if I saw him in person. :/


        • I’ll text you about it when I get a chance. You can text me anytime you want with the word if you need to. I just send them out to you not really knowing if I am interrupting your writing flow. If you need to ignore them for a while, that is fine. Also, you could be sleeping your “weird hours” so I don’t want to wake you up.

          Anyways, you’re not the only one who can get off the subject and ramble on. I’m pretty good at it too. If only my mouth had an editor, so all the stupid things I said would be deleted before they were said to people out loud. Maybe I will invent something like that. I’d give them to people that say stupid stuff all the time.

          Don’t worry if you can’t remember the funny story about the awesome word. Take you time…I can wait.

          It is funny that people like us can’t seem to keep all our thoughts from being typed. I guess we are real like that and just need stuff to get out there. Again, maybe if we had a real life brain fart editor, we would be able to skip the details that we don’t need. Again, rambling.

          I bet you can’t wait to see Elf, uh Tom Cruise in his latest movie about Groundhog’s Day or something?


        • Maybe one of us will remember at some point. I just texted you something else and don’t want to bother you on Father’s day with a non-word.

          Don’t ever worry about interrupting/waking me up with texting. If I’m awake, my phone is on vibrate. If I’m asleep, it’s on silent. It might take me a bit to get back, but I always try to. I try not to text you too early or too late, and it seems like there’s usually only a very small window where I’m not worried about texting while you’re sleeping and waking you up while I’m actually awake and coherent.

          If you ever invent a word vomit preventer, PLEASE let me know. I’m in definite need of one of those.

          I won’t forget the story about the word.

          Feel free to ramble anytime. I enjoy it. XD

          ACTUALLY, believe it or not, I really do want to see Edge of Tomorrow. I can tolerate some of his movies and that one looks neat. I’ll eventually see if it is…


        • Well, let’s just say you’ll tell me when the right time comes. I was thinking about that thing you said at the end of a post once that was basically telling me good luck, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I tried to find it, but it would have taken me forever to search through all our comments and find it. Anyways, you probably couldn’t remember it either, so never mind. There I go vomitting again.
          You know you can text me any time. I’ll usually let you know if I have to go or if it is a bad time. I’m usually pretty fast at responding unless I am sleeping. I even have it at my desk all day at work, so you can send me something then too. It’s usually just a small window when I am sleeping.

          I have heard good things about Edge of Tomorrow, but I think it is a Redbox rental to me. I have to be pretty choosy about my movies out cause I so rarely get to go to them. I did get to see three while I was on vacation though, 2 with Calvin and 1 with Amanda. I even got to steal Amanda from school at the end of Friday to take her. I cherish the time I have with them.


        • Are we talking about the right time for telling the non-word or the story about the non-word? I can’t remember.
          Yeah, maybe one day I’ll remember to actually text you the word. It would probably help if I was on here while you were awake, then I could just send it at the time.

          I pretty much always worry about texting people because I’m on such a different schedule. I don’t know when people are awake, or if it’s okay to text them at work, etc.

          I’d wanted to see Edge of Tomorrow in theaters, but I might just wait and buy it when it comes out (and I have the extra money to justify buying a Tom Cruise movie).
          Going to the movies is one of the only ‘real life social activities’ I enjoy doing. Because I get to sit in the dark and not interact with people while shoving copious amounts of popcorn down my throat.

          I’m glad you’ve got to see some movies with your kiddos recently. I’m sure they cherish the time as well, and that you’ll all be glad later that you took the time to do little stuff like that with them. 🙂


        • We will probably forget about this word eventually and I’ll just pick it out when book 4 comes out. Is that which book it was in? I can’t remember.
          You really don’t need to worry about your schedule because I’m almost always awake, especially when I am 2 hours later than you are. Or is it three? Are you central time zone or east. Kentucky seems near the border on that, so I always forget. Washington? Pretty easy to know we are on Pacific since the Pacific touches our state.
          You should probably wait for Edge of Tomorrow since it has been out a few weeks and will be in the dollar theaters soon. By then, you might as well buy it on Bluray. I can’t wait to see Transformers. I’m hoping this weekend sometime. Are you doing anything for the 4th? We usually don’t do much because no one ever wants to party with us, though last year, my brother in law invited us to his mother in law’s house and that was fun. It had a nice view of the Puget Sound and lots of fireworks. We also went canoeing, but since I had to work the next day, it kind sucked to have to leave before the fireworks started. We did get to see them on the ferry though, so that was fun. And it felt like we were at war since there were fireworks going off on our drive home. This year we probably won’t do anything fancy though, but hear fireworks. Maybe shoot off some sparklers.

          Yeah, it is nice to have so few friends that I get to spend a lot of time with my kids doing stuff. The time at the park (though on my blog I complained about it) was really fun and we did explore the tiny forest in the park.


        • LoL, I don’t know how we’re going to forget about the word when we keep talking about it. Yes, it’s in the fourth book, but I honestly think I have at least one non-word in all of them. A lot of them really should be words and I can’t believe they’re not.

          Kentucky has both time zones. I’m on Eastern time, so three hours.

          I don’t really go to the dollar theaters. I don’t really get out and do much, so going to the movies is kind of like a ‘date’. We go to Louisville for them usually.
          You’re right though, might as well wait for EoT.

          Did you get to go see Transformers? I do want to see that, but I’ll probably wait until Blu-ray for it. I haven’t heard much about it. Is it good (if you’ve seen it)?

          Nope, we didn’t do anything for the 4th. It was always one of my favorites, but (sort of like with Halloween) we don’t have many friends. He doesn’t take well to the 4th anyway. Fireworks and all. :/
          I love them though.

          I’ve never been canoeing. Is that fun?
          Never been on a ferry either.
          I went white water rafting once. (That’s not ferry-related, more so canoeing related.)
          Did you not end up doing anything either?

          LoL, I figured you’d enjoyed that time at the park. That parkour video was so freaking cute. XD
          Were you laughing the entire time at that?


        • So how many books are in the Reave series? Is 4 the last one? I’m gonna be reading your books for years. Good! I’d be pretty bitter if I didn’t have some C Mill books to look forward too.
          Your eastern time zone is so far awaaay. Just complaining a little. I’ll get over it.
          How far away is Louisville? Must be fun to get there, but seems like you are so far away from a big town. Maybe that is a good thing? I like at least being near a city, but I also like being suburb enough that I can leave the hustle and bustle of the big place. I do go to Seattle sometimes, but only every once in a while. Not much of a partier either. I always joke about how I have kind of borders about how far away we will go from our house. North to Bellevue, South to Auburn.
          I did get to see Transformers and I liked it a lot. You gotta understand that they were my favorite toy growing up, so they will always be awesome to me. The first one when they first show Optimus Prime transforming and you see his face for the first time, I still get chills. I guess you would have to know me growing up. Anyways, everyone had something and Transformers were IT for me.
          The 4th was pretty awesome. We went to a place called Port Orchard, where my sister in law’s mother lives. They have a place right on the hill with an awesome deck that has an amazing view of Seattle and the fireworks display was all just local people setting them off and it was almost as good as if we attended the fireworks in Seattle. Plus no one was at the house, so we were able to just hang and have fun.
          Canoeing is fun and relaxing and pretty easy to do as long as you know how to row. Ferry’s are cool and it is amazing how big they are and how much stuff there is on them. There is a Starbucks on there.
          White water rafting sounds awesome. I hope to go someday.
          We actually went to the park yesterday and he tried parkour again, but too many people were in the way and he was pretty tired. He cracks me up quite a bit. Yesterday, he said, “Dad do you have some nose hair cutters?” I didn’t even need to know why.


        • Yep. Four books in the Reave Series.
          LoL, given how long it takes me to be able to afford putting them each out, you’ll definitely be reading them for years. I’m wondering how many books I’ll have piled up waiting to be released a few years from now . . . O.o

          Haha, yeah, I guess my timezone is a pretty long way away.

          I’m about . . . forty minutes or so from Louisville. (Around that.)
          I’m not a fan of cities, but I do like how much more there is to do. I don’t live in a ‘suburbs’ area here. Kind of on the edge of my town, between that and ‘the sticks’ haha.
          My dream home/location would be somewhere that I couldn’t see anyone else’s house from my house.

          I LOVED the first Transformers movie. I was so disappointed with the second. Thought the third was alright. Where does the newest one fall into the spectrum of the others?

          Sounds like your 4th was pretty good!

          I really would like to go canoeing sometime. But I WOULD worry about falling out. I worry about getting in water that is too deep for me to stand in. I’ve almost drowned a couple times. :/
          (And yet I went white water rafting. Right? That was before the almost-drowning incidents.)
          I had NO IDEA ferries had that much stuff on them. O.o
          Starbucks? Really?

          I had to read the last paragraph of this to Husband, about him doing more parkour and the nose hair cutters.
          Did you ever find out what the latter of those was actually about??


        • I found that out when I finally read your What’s in the Works? thing. I guess as a best friend I failed pretty miserably on not knowing about all that. As I said in my comment, that explains so much about you as a person. Your almost an insurmountable amount of projects help me understand how you always feel the need to be out in your shed working on them. On the other hand, it shows me how freaking dedicated you are to the craft and when you say you are an author you really mean author. It makes my weak attempts to write seem so miniscule. I may never be dedicated to something like you are (about anything), but I do admire how much you have dedicated to it. I am truly impressed.
          Every time I’m about to text you or whatever and it is like 3:30 at work, I’m like holy crap it’s freaking 6:30 there. She’s probably just waking up or whatever. It’s really discombobulating to me sometimes (does that word even make sense here?).
          That seems like you aren’t that far. I’m probably that from Seattle and I feel like I just live in the Burbs. I guess it is all about perspective. I like living in a neighborhood (even though I don’t like the neighbors and their kids) because I like being able to go to a store or mall or whatever without feeling like I would have to make a trek. Though I do understand you wanting to be far away from people and having your shed. I could definitely use the time away from people. Though I grew up in South Dakota and most of it was covered with farms so far from anything that you would almost need to go 30 minutes just to leave your farm. I can’t imagine being that isolated.
          My fourth was pretty awesome. The kids learned discovered a new thing called Root Beer Float. I guess we never did it with them, because they were so excited about them. So did you at least poke your head out of the shed to see any fireworks or do any barbequeing? Or did you hide inside with your dogs? Did the dogs get annoyed by the fireworks?
          You should go to a small lake and try it out. No worries about falling in because it is so shallow. Just get Tyler to take you out and just relax while paddling. It is really just a chill way to go out on a lake.

          About the nose hair cutters? He was just subtly as a hammer telling me that I needed to cut my nose hairs. Kids and their honesty and bluntness.


        • I think it’s hilarious that we can start off commenting like two sentence things to each other and they turn into these massive freaking things. haha

          I don’t remember what we were talking about you finding out by my WITW page.

          The insane amount of projects now is . . . insane. When I was working on ONE AT A TIME, I was able to feel like I was keeping it all under control. Now it’s just too much at once. I know it’s better this way, to have multiple things going at once, but that seriously messes with my one-track-minded brain.

          It makes me feel bad, you saying what you did about it making your ‘weak attempts at writing seem so minuscule’. 😦
          I wouldn’t consider it weak or minuscule. I wouldn’t consider anything anyone works at to be weak or minuscule.
          I never thought I would find anything to be this dedicated to. It gets pretty difficult sometimes. I’m just glad Husband doesn’t complain about how much time I spend working.

          Discombobulating made sense when talking about the time difference. I’m just used to being on a weird schedule/different time zones, so it’s not really that weird to me.

          ALASKA is isolated. Gah, being there was horrible. It will make an hour trek to a city seem like going to heaven.

          I haven’t had a root beer float in forever. I don’t really drink soda anymore though, so that might have something to do with it. How did the kids like the floats?

          I honestly can’t remember what I did on the 4th. I think I went to my sister’s house for some reason. Or maybe that was the night before. I like fireworks, but they set off his PTSD and that makes me *sadface. So the 4th isn’t really a super fun day anymore . . .

          HAHA about the nose hair cutters. That was definitely not subtle at all.

          Have you ever thought about how weird it is that there’s a b in subtle?


  3. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were busy working hard on your laziness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  4. Xpertinly annoys the shit outta me.
    Hafalump sank in 10 minutes ago & 40 minutes before I get to leave work.
    And, Unclistery is a condition. That’s why some of us write better than we speak.

    You’re pretty bitterly creative.


  5. I could say something clever, but I am too bitter about the fact that the damn Letter People song is now stuck in my embittered brain. You’d think after 40 years I would have forgotten that song, but no, to my bitter disappointment, it’s catchy pharsology and spunky little tune has stuck with me all these bitter years.


  6. Cacabals reminded me… my mailman (yeah my mailman no one else’s, I am kind of a big deal) came into my work on Friday and danced around singing “Friday, Friday, It’s Friday.” And I looked at him all legitimately sad.
    “What’s wrong?!”
    “It’s one day closer to Monday.” That is some bitter shit right there. Like I wasn’t happy it was almost the weekend because I knew Monday would be coming. This working 5 days a week thing is stupid.


  7. These are excellent. I am going to start teaching them to my pre-school class tomorrow. They’ve already got AARRGGHHH down, so we’re already ahead of the game…


  8. this is much more useful than those stupid Sesame Street songs that got stuck in our heads and replay over and over 40 years later at inappropriate times….like in a seriously serious meeting where serious people act much too seriously. I am particularly smitten by gactorrepulsive, which is how I feel every time I am at the laundry mat drying clothes and i am trying not to hear or see Ellen Degenerate on the ubiquitous wall-mounted television…or when i see any other female or femalesque character in the laundrymat with lawnmower-head haircuts.


  9. I’m feeling hafalump right now. In fact, I don’t think I will work at all tomorrow due to my ratsperabz. If the boss begs me to come in I will say ergonoway and then vespitake violently before telling him what I really think of him.


  10. The other day I had an episode of Vespitake (provoked by a random jumping a queue) but luckily moved straight on to Unclistery, so as avoiding a fight – phew! This is fairly useful stuff Bitter Ben, but I have fundamental concerns about teaching my three-year-old the meaning of AAARRRRGGGHH as she has a habit of ignoring me at the best of times and is prone to repeated Zanticolix.


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