In case you missed it…because you were out shopping

So you have an excuse to miss shopping.

So you have an excuse to miss shopping.

Shopping at this time of year is like entering the gladitorial arena of ancient Shoptopolis.  Avoid it at all costs.  If you want to survive take a little advice and do it the lazy way like me.  Get out your computer, log-in, and read Ben’s Bitter Blog.  Oh, if you want to get shopping done, send a text to someone else to go to the mall for you.  Couching is much more important.  Buying stuff online is way too much work.

While you are shopping around for a holiday special to ignore, might I suggest The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half. Because an hour an 29 minutes just isn’t long enough to annoy you completely.

I’m not an expert at building things, at all.  But gatherings are going to happen, that you are going to feel compelled to go to, so I offer up my advice on how to build up a Bitter Brick Wall of emotions.  This will give you the ability to sit in a corner blissfully not talking to anyone.

It is a busy time of year for people, (because the rest of the year isn’t at all) so on Friday I offered a bunch of moving pictures (so technologically advanced) that spoke about things you can do for the holidays.  Being bitter about others will help you be bitter about yourself.

Bitter Twittering Happened.

People commented on stuff:

Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half Special:

“Good to know Jessica and Nick aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married, Donny and Marie aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married.. and KK lost an earring. I rely on your blog for the latest in celebrity news.” Virtual Endings

“Didn’t the Muppets do a special like that once? Are they still together?” Claire Duffy

“I call dibs on bringing the mistleno! Can we also spend approximately four hours watching It’s a Bitterful Life, where at the end, it’s revealed that every time a bell isn’t ringing an angel hasn’t earned its wings?” Katie

Bitter Brick Wall:

“I’m known as the master of the negative body language. I’ve avoided innumerable people because of this.
As for the other bricks, I’ve laid them down quite firmly except the sleep part. Too much homework and studies doesn’t let you sleep!” Keerthipoojari

“So, how IS that line working for you? (stole it!) I am adept at building walls as well. Just ask all my ex’s. That sounds depressing, but it’s not. In fact, I kind of remember my last one shouting something like “Why?” after me as I collected my knives and good cast iron frying pan. All that chatter…I’m going to send him an email someday.
Soon. Right now I am in Costa Rica (in my mind) and I hear a phone ringing. Somewhere. I think I was supposed to bring home Christmas ornament hangers…there was a sale on nail polish though. People think part of my wall is digression I want a puppy.” Laura Lynn

“I feel like this post does to Miley Cyrus what a Ouija Board does for restless spirits. You just invited her in, Ben. She’s going to try.” Aussa Lorens

Friday Busy Picture Bitterness:

“This is why I have chosen to never witness a naked redheaded man up close and personal. I would rather drink Midori Sour than watch him climb up Mount Midoriama.” Kerby

“I’m busier than I would like to be at the moment. I am sneaking off to comment on blogs who have probably forgotten about me since I’ve all but disappeared from the blogging world since I’ve started my new job.
Also, I would really like to know who is holding the camera in that last picture and why they’re not dead yet. Also why that guy is looking so gleeful about shooting that gun.” MissTiffany

“P.S. The one of Tom Hanks is PRICELESS!” TB

Some bonus pictures:

Let’s take down the tree:

What a tree-at.

What a tree-at.

But first let’s get it home:

Let's get this thing home.

Let’s get this thing home.

Here’s a real bitter picture:

This girl has the real holiday bitter spirit.

This girl has the real holiday bitter spirit.


Don’t forget the ornaments:

I think we are out of ornaments.

I think we are out of ornaments.


Bitter shopping to you!


Bitter Ben





78 thoughts on “In case you missed it…because you were out shopping

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were entranced by a Yule Log | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I made it in to Bitter Ben’s Variety Hour and a Half Special comment section? Wow. I feel sort of famous now. And it’s exhausting you know, being a celebrity and stuff. Now, don’t forget to keep up with me.


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