As I stated here last week, I was
banned from work off on vacation last week. As part of my vacation, I had to perform community service by spending time with and answering the demands of the squatters in our house. Some of the demands they required were driving them to school, doing homework with them and going to the movies and pretending to like watching Thor(I managed to push my way through this). For some reason, regardless of how bitter I get these “little people” claim to “like me” and want to “hang out” with me. After their school was over one day, it was decided that we take these “plasma cars”(little demon cycles) and go to our church gym so they could ride them on a nice flat surface. Since they would be distracted for a while, I was finally free to shoot something (hoops). I was bitterly hoisting up miss after miss, wondering when my terrible shot had gotten even worse, when these munchkins came over and asked me to push them. Just so I could get them off my side of the court, I pushed them (out of my way). Of course, when one saw me pushing, the other wanted a push and then the “plasma cycle” began.
After two exhausting hours (or two minutes, I can’t remember), we finally, mercifully got to leave and go home. Finally able to lay on the couch and avoid doing anything, I realized that my arms were sore, my back was tight, my knees were buckling and I was breathing even more heavily than I normally do. A realization popped into my head. I had just been tricked into doing something that people call “exercise”.
After realizing that this “exercise” was clearly not good for me, I ate some candy that was good for me, and decided to come up with my own exercise that is actually useful.
Blog fingers – If I ever hoped to achieve my dream of becoming a bitter failure at blogging, I would need to be able to have strong fingers. In order to strenghen my fingers, I will ball my hands up into fists back and forth in order to ease the pain of the carpal tunnel I get from
playing video games typing all day at work. This allows my hands to become strong so I can grip shoulders a little too hard, as a reminder that these my blog people better get back to work typing my latest post.
Neck Twists – While watching television is just a hobby for some, or a way for others to unwind from a rough day at work, television marathoners(telemarathoners for short) like myself need to endure many hours of heavy sitting, laying down and shifting slightly. While casual televisioners don’t worry about such things because they are doing heavy exercising like moving from the living room to dining room or bedroom to bathroom, we television marathoners are doing it all from one spot. It requires a lifetime of practice and is only for the serious couch marathoner. What casual televisioners don’t realize is the preperation needed. If you want to be a marathon televisioner you need a blanket, the home phone, cell phone, all the remotes, a computer, and a mini fridge nearby with all your snacks and cool drinks. With all these items to juggle, your neck will be craning from side to side. A strong neck will come in handy when you are falling asleep while sitting up. It is also needed to ignore phone calls, flip from side to side to get comfortable or to tell one of your kids to get the door to tell the magazine salesman that their dad is busying marathoning.
Eye lifts – While most marathoners neglect the eyes, they are an essential part of the experience. You would be surprised how often they are used as a part of a 10-15 hour session. They are needed to follow the action of reality stars talking about innane subjects. They are needed to find where the fifth remote control got wedged inside your couch cushion. They are needed to look at the back of your eyelids for the 15 minute snoozer between hour 6 and hour 7 of the food truck marathon. They are essential for just about every task of the marathoners regiment and yet so many neglect exercising them. If you don’t work them enough, you may be forced to leave your marathon cave in order to view the bright orb of light outside your house. That bright light is harmful to your eyes, as opposed to the soothing, less harsh artificial light that calms you into your ubiquitous slumbers.
Though there are many other exercises that I can share with the aspiring telemarathoner in their quest of total laziness, I don’t have all the time in the world. I’m busy at work preparing for my marathon tonight. If you are serious about becoming the next great telemarathoner, there is hope. Send me all your money and I will be glad to share some of my favorite techniques. When I feel like it. Just don’t interrupt me between 8 am and midnight. Or between midnight and 8 am. I have to sleep sometime.
Bitter Telemarathoner Ben
- Bitter Vacation Friday Pictures (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Scariness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)