When I was younger, I thought time machine’s were big, clunky machine’s that had a bunch of knobs and levers, and filled an entire room. I thought they were created by boring scientists in white lab coats. Then, one day, my brother told me about this movie that had a time machine, and I would be blown away by what it was. I stared at him like he was an alien, because what would be so interesting about a time machine? A few days later, I went to this movie about time travel called Back to the Future. I finally understood what my brother was talking about when Doc Brown lowered the hydraulic lift on his truck. Billowing smoke puffed out, and when it dissipated, the time machine was revealed to be a DeLorean sports car.

To say that I was blown away by that reveal was an absolute understatement. I’d seen movies in theaters before, but that was my first magical movie moment. It was moment that kickstarted my love of movies. There were other magical movie moments in my movie watching career, like Ferris Bueller skipping school for the 9th time that year, Megatron killing Optimus Prime, and a computer programmer named Mr. Anderson becoming Neo, the one that could dodge bullets and save humans against the machines. I started to understand that the stars of those movies were actors, and that they were famous for being actors. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that I was in a parasocial relationship with all these actors.

If you don’t know what parasocial relationships are, you’re not alone. I only heard the term a month ago, so I had to look up what it meant. Basically, it’s a one way relationship with someone who’s in the mass media. In other words, a non dangerous stalker of famous people. I was never a big star worshipper, but I did find myself wanting to know more about certain celebrities. I would read about them in magazines and admired their talent and stuff, but I never really had a huge desire to meet them in real life. First, because I’ve heard almost every celebrity is an A-hole, and you should never meet your heroes in real life. Second, what would I have to say to someone like that? “I’m a big fan!”, “Love your work in that one movie about that one thing!” or “You’re adult cosplaying as Captain Underpants was an essential part of my childhood!” It’s actually my goal to meet a celebrity and then be the most non-chalant person ever, or pretend to not know who they were.

Nowadays, there are a few new ways to get in parasocial relationships. There are YouTubers, Podcasters, TikTokers, and Twitchers that put their lives on display all day long for desperate followers looking for parasocialism. I’ve listened to a podcast every weekday morning for last six years, and even though I’ve never met the host, I feel like if we ever met, we could be friends. He’s had a huge impact on the way I think, act and write. I’ve read every one of his books, listened to every podcast, and read some of his blog posts. However, he’s never read any of my blogs. Therefore, I decided that I’m not talking to him right now. Just wait until I finally meet him so I can tell him that I’m not talking to him.

Most parasocial relationships are between normal and famous people. Is that always the case thought? I’m a big video gamer, and when Gears of War 3 came out back in 2011, I started playing with three other people. One was my brother-in-law, who I’d met a few times before in real life, and he was my sister’s husband, so I had a real relationship with him. But the two other friends that played with were his friends, and I had never met them in real life until many years later. Did I have a parasocial relationship with them until I met them? Before I met them in real life, they might as well have been a couple of Wizard’s of Oz’s hiding behind their Xbox curtains.

Maybe they were never parasocialists because they weren’t part of mass media, and they knew me and my personality, and I knew theirs, so it was more of an equal thing, but what about this reverse Uno card?

Are you and I in a parasocial relationship? By that I mean, me as Bitter Ben, and you as the reader of Ben’s Bitter Blog. I’m by no means a mass media star, and most of you don’t comment, or interact with me at all, but there are 10,000+ subscribers of this blog. I know a few of my followers, because they are my brothers or some select co-workers, but most of the people that read this blog on a weekly basis have never met me. Most of them don’t know what I look like but they loyally view my posts every week.

Obviously, you all want to meet me in real life, but I have to say that you would be severely disappointed to meet me in person. Not only because you aren’t supposed to meet your heroes, but because you wouldn’t know what to say to me. Which is fair, because I wouldn’t know what to say to you. Also, I would be wonder why you are standing near me. I’m claustrophobic, have a large personal bubble, I’m introverted, and I’m also really rude, and I don’t have time to talk to my fans. If my Resting Bitter Face, my very large headphones, heavy typing and the DO NOT BOTHER written across my face don’t tell you not to bother me, there’s also a large cardboard box that I will create in order to reinforce how much you shouldn’t talk to me.

On the other hand, you should consider yourselves lucky, because you are lucky enough to have never met me. The people that have met me, or have to work or live with me, are the unlucky ones. Enjoy your parasocial distance from me, because you can enjoy the benefits of the writing while not having to meet me in person.

While you are enjoying your amazing parasocial distancing from me, enjoy these Bitter Friday Giftures to cleanse your pallete of bitter parasocialism.

When I was younger…

That all changed when my brother told me about a movie…

That revealed to me…

It was that very moment that revealed to me…

I started following some of the stars…

Little did I know…

Because I knew everything about them…

In other words…

Don’t worry…

But those were always…

But then I thought…

But I shut down that idea…

But how about this…

I’m in a parasocial relationship…

Except in this case…

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Parasocial Relationship Ben