Nickel Pinching BFG’s

For most of December, I was doing what I do best. I took the last two weeks off, and found a way to connect with my body to the couch in a way that we became one. My body of hair, skin and nails became fabric, cotton and some spare coins that were stuck inside of me. I don’t recall using any brain cells, except the kind of brain cells that exist inside couches, which I’ve heard aren’t many. As you could imagine, I was feeling similar to a bear that just came out of hibernation from a long winter’s nap. I felt the outdoors this morning for the first time in a few weeks, between my house and car and it was a strange feeling. I took a shower for the first time in a few days, and all the dirt that felt off was like losing a friend.

Going outside, I experienced the harsh brightness of the moon and was almost blinded by its overpowering reflected light. There was strange sensation of feeling obligated to do something productive today that was overwhelming. The fact that I have this super long one day work week is going to be rough. I’m not sure I’m meant to work in an environment like this. If they start adding more days to my workweek, I will have to protest by taking more vacation. The fact that today is both Friday and Monday at the same time is very confusing. I don’t know if I’m supposed to dread all the work I need to catch up on, or slack on all the things I want to put off until Monday. It’s both the worst day of the week combined with the best day. I’m very conflicted.

It’s been so long since I’ve been back to work that it feels like it was a year ago. Which it was. Because the last time I worked it was 2025. Today it is 2026. Now, you can officially include me in the dad joke club because, “I haven’t seen you for a whole year!” I did need to come back to work, because how would my kids steal all my money for their selfish purposes, if I don’t have a job to funnel my money directly to them?

In or der to save money for them, I used to be a penny pincher, but recently the government decided to stop making the penny. Therefore, I’m now going to have to be a nickel pincher. Thank goodness, because pennies were using up all the valuable copper that we should be using on copper wire, batteries and all kinds of housing materials. The copper mines can finally lay off the copper penny division, which we all know were the laziest ones in the company, because they worked from home. We can also allocate more copper for Minecraft, so our kids can make digital swords and shields to take on the Enderman ghost.

More importantly, it has narrowed down one of my reasons to bend over. Instead of three possible reasons to BEN DOVER, I now only have two. The only reasons I have to bend over now are for a green rectangle with a numbers in the corners, or for the multiple silver circles. For now, the nickel is still part of the silver trio of valuableish coins, but the nickel has been put on notice. Just like in business or school, there is a pecking order. When the lowest coin on the totem revenue is removed, they just move to the next lowest man on the totem pole to bully.

Now, instead of insulting people by calling them penny pinchers, you can now start calling me a nickel pincher. Until Elon Musk claims me as one of his many kids, I will be a nickel pincher. But don’t worry, in all the confusion and chaos of his bloodline, there is definitely a 12% chance he might just accidentally assume that I’m one of his kids, and be allotted a portion of his inheritance.

Until then, my status has been raised to nickel pincher, so I just got a raise of 4 cents per pinch. You know that that means, a “nickel saved is a nickel earned”. When I deposit all the nickels I keep finding, in my bank account that earns .00004% interest, that means by the year 2052, I will have earned an additional dollar. On the other hand, I may just keep all my nickels, which will be much more valuable in 2052, when I plan to trade those nickels for some copper wire. I will need that wire my shelter in the first few years of the zombie apocalypse. By then, I’ll be wishing I had some source of copper just sitting around in a circular form with a picture of a president on the face of it that I could melt down to make copper wire.

I’m just glad we are getting rid of pennies, because they are just so annoying. Not as annoying as J.C. Penny’s or girls named Penny, but definitely more annoying than nickels, dimes and quarters. I look forward to ridding the world of all pennies, so we can move on to hating nickels with the same passion as we hate pennies now.

While we are waiting for the world to be drained of its pennies, let us look at some bitter Friday Giftures to pass the time…

For most of December…