I used to enjoy my birthday. When I first started working at a radio communications company in Seattle, I would harass people at work by telling them starting in January, my birthday was only 4 months away. The older I got, the more I realized that my birthday was basically about avoiding calls from my 4 siblings, parents, and the few other people that know I even exist.

My greatest flex from this years birthday was that I only got two calls. The rest of my family texted me. My sister in law even apologized for texting, because she remembered that I hated getting calls and texts on my birthday. I reassured her that it was only calls I didn’t like getting on my birthday, or in general.

The only thing I get any pleasure from on my birthday is doing my favorite blog post of the year, which is presenting my 12 followers with a blank number of things to be bitter about. It’s pretty awesome that by the time I got to 52 reasons, I still had so many more to go. I also came up with some great business ideas from it.

This year, for instance, number 15 on my list, the Fortress of Solitude, is actually a pretty feasible business idea. There are at least a trillion people in this universe who are introverts and they all need a place to disappear to. I guarantee that at least a small portion of those trillions would pay money to disappear from all worldly duties for an hour or two in a Batcave or Fortress of Solitude. A bunch would do it to read books, doom scroll on Tik Tok, or do yoga, or whatever the healthy people are doing for fun these days.

As someone who is bitter all the time, that spends most of my day doing things that make me bitter or thinking about things that make me bitter, I lay claim as the world’s leading expert on bitterness. If you doubt my credentials, start by just looking at my face. I have an eternally Resting Bitter Face. If you need more evidence, look at my Spotify. Every song either has Bitter in the title or has lyrics that tell the story of a bitter man or woman.

I could, and will go on. My Instagram turned into Bitter Thoughts of the Day, and my blog has over 1500 posts of bitterical evidence. My Youtube channel has only a few videos with even fewer views, and almost all of them are a series I created called Bitter News from the Couch. I also created a fictional entertainment company called Bitter Entertainment Network, or BEN for short, which will someday bring you news, movies, TV shows, books, podcasts and YouTube Shorts centering on the world of bitterness.

This is all to say that everything I do is through the lens of Bitterness. Meaning, nothing I do makes sense. There is an expression from the old days, (1400’s or so) that says, “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.” In other words, because most people only dabble in Bitterness, I’m the King of Bitterness.

When I think of one-eyed men, I think of mythological creatures called Cyclops. Whenever I think of Cyclops’s, I think of the 2010 movie, Gulliver’s Travel’s, starring Jack Black. When I think of Jack Black, I think, why in the world would they cast him as Steve in Minecraft? I thought Minecraft was a story about blocky houses, pigs, creepers, and chickens. Jack Black, would seem to stand out in a world that because he’s…not blocky.

There are a lot of things in this world that don’t make sense, but the Minecraft movie might be the most nonsensical thing of all. When I saw the first trailer, I thought this might be the stupidest thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen a movie called the Island of Doctor Moreau.

Yet somehow it made more money in the first weekend than Super Mario Brothers, which was a much better movie. But Minecraft is the most popular game in the world, which again doesn’t make any sense to me, because it is the stupidest game I’ve ever played.

The only explanation is kids. Kids went to see that movie, no matter how dumb it was. Kids play that game, no matter how stupid it is. The game makes the stupidest sounds I’ve ever heard, and the graphics are literally the worst graphics ever made, because they are just big pixels. The game doesn’t even have a point, a goal or an ending and yet kids keep playing it.

Please make it make sense. The only way it makes any sense at all is kids. Kids are pretty dumb. Meaning if you ever want to make a bunch of money, or you want to be popular in any way at all, make a dumb game, a dumb movie, a dumb kids show, and then you can collect cash from dumb kids parents. Which means I just realized that I’ve been played for 52 years. The whole time I’ve been targeting adults, who are dumb too, but they are better at not spending money on dumb things. Kids on the other hand, can force money out of their parents (by way of crying and whining until they get what they want) to pay for dumb things.

I’ve been the dumb one this whole time, because never figured this out.

Look for this blog to be making some big changes in the next few weeks and months as it gets rebranded as a dumb kids blog. It will have bright flashing lights and colors, make fart noises and have kids make the dumbest decisions ever.

While my blog undergoes the necessary construction, go ahead and enjoy these Bitter Friday Giftures…

My least favorite obligation…

Besides my beloved annual post…

The best part about doing the Bitter Post…

Like a Fortress of Solitude…

Or if you prefer…

When I think of one-eyed men…

When I think of cyclops…

When I think of Jack Black…

The Minecraft movie…

Nor does it make any sense that it made…

Which also starred…

The only thing that explains anything…

Which means my blog is getting…

ARRRGGHHHHH

Bitter Non Sensical Things Ben