Have you ever felt like you were supposed to have grown up in a different family, a different era, or city, and you were just soooo close to being in that one era, but just like in some romantic comedy, you keep just missing that opportunity that would have made you rich, or that one job that would have satisfied you, or that one person that would have given you meaning? But that opportunity just keeps just barely missing you, and keeping at a level or two below what your life could have been? Like you’re a video game character that just can’t find that jewel that would level you up to your full potential as a hero?

Yeah me neither. I think we are all supposed to experience the things we were supposed to experience. We are in the family we are for a reason, and the life and job, and economic situation that were are supposed to be in.

I believe all of that except in one thing in my life. My life wouldn’t change that much if I ever got my wish on this aspect, but it might be a scosh better if one little thing changed. I love rollercoasters. They are the thing I like to do most of all when visiting a theme park. It’s like the universe stuck riding coasters in my vains and told me that I would never be satisfied until I rode the best and brightest of all the roller coasters in the land.

And then the universe said, “I’m going to make roller coasters that you might like, that might scratch that roller coaster itch, almost impossible for you to ride them.”

The universe is a pretty sick individual if you ask me.

If you ask me how the universe keeps screwing me, I’ll tell you why.

Roller coasters aren’t for everyone. Some people aren’t good with heights, some people aren’t good with speed, and other people aren’t good with feeling out of control. If I was single and had a lot of money, all those things wouldn’t be an obstacle.

Since I’m an adult that has a wife and two kids, there is another thing called timing that the universe uses against me. Say all I wanted to do was go to a park, ride all the best rides and do nothing else, but I’m in a family. First, the family wouldn’t all want to do that. Some would want to visit Harry Potter Village, some would want to visit Disney Princesses, and some would want to ride the It’s a Small World ride, and some would want to eat.

Then there is the timing of the age of potential riders. Say you have two kids, one boy and one girl. If your boy is adventurous, but only 6, and your daughter is 9, and old enough and tall enough to go on the ride, but is scared of heights, or speed or being out of control, then you’re not riding that coaster.

Then there is the problem of the kind of park you are going to. When you think of the best theme parks in the world, what is the first word that comes to mind? If you are a casual observer of theme parks you would think immediately of Disney. The universe has implanted that mighty word so deeply and thickly in the skulls of Americans, that no casual person would ever be rid that word from their brain.

The problem with Disney is that they center their universe around kids. It’s like they are cocaine salesmen that just want to inject kids at a really young age that Disney is the only park in the world that exists. Kids love that place because colors and sounds and castles and characters. They embed their minds with them on the Disney channel, Disney +, and Disney movies, so kids can’t escape them and then the kids browbeat their parents that they will accept no other park in the world but Disney.

Disney’s biggest asset is that they love kids. Their biggest weakness is that they hate parents. Disney has just enough rides that they entice parents to come for their kids, but their rides are so lame that a coaster enthusiast like myself is never going to be satisfied, no matter how many times I have to wait two hours in line for It’s a Small World ride.

There are other places that specialize in loving the parents, but the problem with them is they are for parents. I’m in the midst of being in the perfect spot age wise, to finally visit a park that is meant for coaster lovers, like Cincinnati’s Kings Island, Cleveland’s Cedar Point, or Ventura, California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain, but now I face the problem of time, money, and my son who is now old enough, and willing to go, but he is busy in high school with football, a job, and spending all our money.

Now the tiny window of taking him on a senior trip to Cedar Point where we want to ride some of the best coasters in the world is slowly slipping from my fingers.

I don’t even need to predict this, but the the universe has a few more tricks up its sleeve when it comes to getting in the way of my goal of riding the world’s best coasters. Here are just a few things that the universe has in store for me:

When the boy finally moves out clearing the way for a little more time and money, the girl will decide that she wants to get married, and I’ll have to pay for an expensive wedding. Then when I finally recover from that, I will develop some sort of nausea condition where I will not be able to ride roller coaster. Then just when I get cured of nausea, the wife will want to move closer to our kids and one of our grandchildren will want to go to Disneyland, and she will give in, and the cycle of kids wanting to go to Disneyland until they are older will start and I’ll be 98 years old, wailing about how I need to go to Cedar Point to ride all the coasters, and my kids will just say, “Dad, that is just your dimentia speaking. We’re not riding the coasters. Have some applesauce.”

And just like that, I’ll never really get to experience coaster ups and downs, but just life’s roller coaster, where I just get to experience metaphorical roller coaster ups and downs.

Yeah, just the kind of bitter ups and downs I love…

While I’m experiencing the dread of a life without riding the best coasters, you can experience the ups and downs of these Bitter Friday Giftures…

Sometimes you just wish you grew up…

Or in a different…

Or even in a different…

I say…

Except in one aspect…

The universe knows I love to ride…

The problem is that the universe is using all its dark energy…

It’s using everything…

To an old enough…

Now would be a great time…

When he isn’t siphoning all the money…

Once he finally graduates and I think I can go on my own…

Like the universe telling me…

Or my daughter having some grandchildren…

Thus starting the cycle of never…

ARRRGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Roller Coaster Ride Ben