The Official Water Supplier of Football Player BFG’s

Sports and marketing go together like Bitter and Ben. No movie better encapsulates sports marketing than Jerry Maguire. He taught us really important lessons like, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” and other things, like repeating phrases over and over to emphasize fairly unimportant things like love. Pam Beasley from the Office was even inspired to abandon her stable job with benefits and working with her husband to join the Michael Scott Paper company startup, from Dorothy Boyd (Renee Zellweger) who left her stable job to join her future husband in a start-up.

The most important thing we learned from Jerry Maguire was actually from Marcee Tidwell, Rod Tidwell’s wife. She knew that Jerry not only needed to SHOW HER THE MONEY, but she also knew precisely how. She was made sure Jerry knew from the beginning that she knew marketing. Local furniture commercials weren’t enough for her husband. She wanted the big four endorsement opportunities for her husband. If Rod didn’t have a car, shoe, clothing line, or soft drink endorsement, she was going to ship Jerry to agent Siberia.

I’m no agent or sports marketer, but somehow I ended up in entangled in the snaky world of sports marketing at the age of the age I am right now. (I will give you an age range. It’s somewhere between 48 and 50. Twist your brain around that, geniuses.) I’m not becoming an agent, or a sports marketer for a career though. My next big step into the world of sports marketing is something you would never expect. I’m becoming the Official Water supplier and sponsor of an athlete.

Unfortunately, this athlete is the Rod Tidwell to my Jerry Maguire. He is a great athlete and has all-time great potential. But he is also moody, irritating, demanding, and stands around in a towel a lot of the time. Sometimes he even makes me do his homework. In fact, he’s even made me provide him room and board since he was…3 days old. Some people call him my son. I call him a really, really expensive endorsement.

Not only am I his official water supplier (he demands bottled water for his finely tuned and thirsty body), but his official food supplier, official ride supplier (along with my wife), and official computer supplier. In fact, he has almost all the four big endorsement pillars that Marcee Tidwell spoke of. We provide all his shoes, his entire clothing line, and all the soft drinks and water he needs. And the car? Well, that isn’t too far into the future. He wants either a Tesla, a Suburu WRX or some other fancy car deal. He doesn’t ask for much. Just everything. Good thing he’s almost 15, because I would never provide a Tesla for the boy at 14. But at 15, sure. No big deal. I’ll pay my entire yearly salary for the car of HIS dreams, while I’m driving my Fiat 500e.

Because who knows? Maybe my sponsorship of this kid will pay off by him getting a scholarship with Alabama, Ohio State or some other professional college sports team. From what I’ve heard, when the football teams compete for a 5-star athlete, the parent of the athlete is entitled to “a little help” from the school in the form of a new SUV, house payments being “taken care of” or insurance premiums all of a sudden “not being sent directly” to me.

If they just happen to lose some paperwork the NCAA needs, well they might need to fire the records keeper. The paperwork might magically appear when he’s in the NFL, but it will be too late for him.

Too bad the courts had to ruin my parental perks by letting the athletes get paid from endorsements. Now, I’m going to have to do a little bit of work to get ahold of my son’s money. Don’t worry, I don’t ask for much. Just all of his money. Plus, my 20% agent fee for watching his house while he’s on road trips. And the personal chef making me sandwiches. Because I’ve spent most of his 14 years making him sandwiches. Because finding two pieces of bread and gluing them together with some peanut butter and jelly is hard.

It’s just a good thing that I hate gambling, because I’ve put all my money on the roulette wheel hoping I land on #56. If he doesn’t, no pressure, but if he doesn’t, then we’re not going to be able to vacation in Scotland when we get old. Or a retirement home. Or even retire. Can you see this bitter old man still working at Walmart, or begging in front of Walmart, just so I can pay my yearly WordPress fee to continue blogging? Talk about sad.

Good thing we have free water at work. At least I can take advantage of the free water we have here to stack in our fridge and continue to be the “Official Water Supplier” of that kid.

I’m also the official bitter blogger of Bitter Friday Giftures, which we are finally getting to…

Being the Official Water Supplier of a future star… a little nerve wracking.

You have to get him plenty of…

…shoe endorsements.

You have to promise to buy him…

…soft drinks.

You need to make sure to fill his closet with…

…his official clothing line.

Still looking for his perfect…

…car deal. Either one of these or a Matchbox.

I’m already in the process of finding an agent for me…

…to not allow anyone to bother me.

I’m also working on finding a personal chef…

…who can meet my really limited picky diet.

As well as one that specializes…

…making picky boy’s sandwiches.

I’m also looking at real estate…

…that has an extra pool house for him to live in.

Because I would like to retire…

…and not have to work here to afford my yearly WordPress fees.

All I know is for right now he’s asking us to…


But pretty soon we’ll be asking the colleges and pros…


This sponsoring of an athlete is the biggest gamble of my life. Don’t worry. I’ve always been SOOO lucky. I’m not sure I have the fortitude for it, or most frankly, the money for it. Send help. Venmo @ben-gardner-18.


Bitter Official Water Supplier of Football Player Ben


2 thoughts on “The Official Water Supplier of Football Player BFG’s

  1. How’s that Go Fund Me project going, Ben? You know, I’ve never seen Jerry Maguire, mainly because I hate Tom Cruise (although he was okay in War of the Worlds). So, yeah – good luck with all that, she said dubiously.


    • My Go Fund Me project is going poorly. I guess I need to just find a way to get a horrific injury (or pretend to have one) so people will give me money. Trying to do something productive never helps my fundraising efforts.


Your Bitter Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.