If there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Thank goodness we can agree on that, because it was starting to look like we couldn’t agree on anything. Some people thought it would be world peace or that shark bites are awesome, but apparently some people think shark bites aren’t good? What is this world coming to?

Die Hard teaches us so many of life’s most fundamental Christmas lessons. One of the most important lessons I learned from Die Hard is that you should always wear shoes when walking on glass. It’s essential to your feet health. If it wasn’t for this movie, I would still be walking on glass without my shoes on the regular.

Another die-hard lesson from Die Hard. Communication is key. If you and your wife are going through a hard time, it is essential to fly across the country to attend a party that will be interrupted by terrorists. You must then meet an amateur psychologist in the form of a lowly desk jockey police officer that will become your new best friend. You will learn that communications is important with him and not your wife. Because you should trust someone you’ve never met over your wife anyday. Besides, he loves Twinkies.

Another great lesson? Always choose your nemesis’s (nemeses?) carefully. Generally, you should choose a charming German with a fake plan that the cops and FBI should fall for. Of course, you should be smart enough to figure out he just wants to live on a beach and collect 20%. Also, make sure the assistant to the regional terrorist (who thinks he’s Assistant Regional Terrorist) never dies, until you meet your best cop buddy in person, and he finally finds a reason to shoot his gun again.

The biggest lesson we learn from Die Hard is that helicopters ALWAYS explode. Besides the fact that helicopters are really expensive, I decided to never own one, because it will explode. A lesson we would never have known if not for the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

This lesson also applies to helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting leads to explosions every time. See how far ahead of its time Die Hard was?

We all know at least one of these horrendous creatures (helicopter parents) that hide in the shadows, and stalks their kids. They follow them to college, do their homework for them, stalk them on their dates and tie their apron strings on them. They are always an integral part of their kids’ marriages too. Bruce Willis never faced a bigger challenge in a Die Hard movie than the spouse of a helicopter parent.

For a while, the kid might actually like their parent hovering way too closely, because they love getting A’s on all their papers. And they might even like their parents’ using surveillance, night goggles, and an ear bud in their kids’ ear, so they know what to say on dates. But eventually, that helicopter parent is going to come in contact with the glass building of reality and it will explode. And the explosion is going to be epic.

Don’t believe me? Just watch that Disney movie, Turning Red. She literally blows up a stadium in Toronto because her mother couldn’t unattach from her daughter’s life.

Helicoptering is very uncomfortable for everyone. Which is why my family decided to come up with a reality show where we follow around helicopter parents that shadow their kids. Train wrecks that you can’t look away from make amazing reality shows. The Bachelor and Bachelorette, Married at First Sight, 90-Day Fiancé are only watchable because their situations are so bizarre.

Following around parents who follow around their kids, would be immensely entertaining because of the train wreckery. You know you would watch it.

Kind of the same reason why you keep coming back, week after week, to see these Bitter Friday Giftures…you can’t look away from the disaster.

The more they tell you to look away…

You don’t tune in..

Or to watch…

You definitely don’t come…

You come for the…

You come for the Married at First Sight…

The Michael Scott…

You come for the…

You come for the…

Or even the disastrous…

You definitely come…

But most of all you come…

There is nothing more annoying than parents who stalk their kids just so they can get good grades. All those pent-up frustrations will eventually explode, which is why you all love to watch them.

Unfortunately, I have to go, because I’m getting ready to surveille my daughter on her date.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Helicopter Parents Ben