I spent a lot of time yesterday getting injured. Despite getting a shot to help my shoulder, it continues to hurt. I was playing catcher for my son so he could get faster at pitching, and he hit me in the only place I wasn’t protected (my foot, you weirdos) and then in the middle of a really great dream (I was sleeping peacefully in my dream), I woke up to everyone’s favorite middle of the night panic, a cramp in my calf.

Today, I am just a hobbled wreck of a human being. So now I’m thinking, how much longer can I do this? I’m YEARS away from achieving my dream of sitting on the couch all day, watching TV, movies or playing video games full time instead of part-time and I’m already at the point where most days I can barely walk to the car and sit at a desk all day.

I’ve been exploring different career options like getting rich and retiring right now, but none of those positions are available right now. Either that or Indeed has them listed somewhere else on the site where I don’t seem to be looking. I even applied for a bump-on-a-log position, (which I try to do part time, but my wife keep interrupting me from that one), so now I’m going to have to try a less competitive industry.

The other day, I found one that was perfect. I was watching Hot Bench while at home for lunch. It’s a stupid show, because it’s usually about renters and tenants arguing about why this guy didn’t pay this guy rent for a month. I don’t know why landlords don’t just pay the rent themselves. They bought it right? And if the renter wants to live in a place, just pay the rent. Apparently, they need a judge to help them figure things out.

But the premise of this show is that it’s has three judges that decide. Two of the three judges have thick New York accents and the sit there and decide between $100 verdicts. If you’ve ever seen the Office, you know how ridiculous it is to have two managers. Jim and Michael were co-managers for a little while and it caused Dwight massive confusion. He didn’t know if he was supposed to get something signed by Michael or Jim. Oscar made the analogy that every company should have two managers. You know, like how we have two presidents of the United States? And when Jo Bennet from Sabre (sa-brey) meets them as co-managers, she’s like, “Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that.”

And yet, this show has three judges. Seems like three people that are incapable of doing one job. Sounds like two of them need to return to sales. Or to clerking. Or whatever a demotion from judging is. Law school?

Here is the kicker though. As I was observing all this, I noticed that there was a person that introduced the judges to the case and then told people where to stand (behind their podiums). Occasionally they grabbed evidence to bring to the judges. I wondered how much that person got paid. She basically stands there the whole time. I like doing nothing at my job all day. Why am I not doing that?

What kind of education does it take to be a court jester? Do they go to school for 4-7 years and practice standing? Do they work on paper retrieval? Is there a class called Judge Introduction? Do they have to come up with three to five minutes of stand up to keep the audience entertained while the judges are deliberating? How much does this education cost? And if you’ve worked there for a year or two, can you sit down as soon as the judges do? Can you take naps during the hearing? And why did I waste my whole life on getting educated and gaining experience when I could have had this job?

I’m sure because she is on TV, she has to get her SAG card and probably gets a minimum of $70K a year, plus benefits right? Maybe I should troll Indeed for jobs like that. I wonder what the job description for that job on Indeed says.

Must be able to stand. Must be able to life .08 ounces of paper at a time. Must know how to say, “Please rise for the Honorable Judge.” and “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

I don’t know if I would make it in the industry, because I’m really bad at memorizing lines, but I think I could after going to Court Jester school for seven years. I would probably ask the judges for a nice comfy gaming chair though, because how would I be able to share with my Twitch audience the things that are going on without a comfortable chair?

I think I’m going to apply for Court Jester school as soon as I get home. That standing gig sounds pretty great.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Court Jester Ben