Cars are judgy

/ bensbitterblog

Just know, I’m doing this to you all the time.

I spend a lot of time judging people. It’s okay though, because I’m old and I’ve seen a lot of bitter things happen, so I’m qualified to be able to do it. Besides, people judge me all the time, so it’s totally okay. Also I keep all my judgements to myself. Oh wait except for on this blog. But don’t worry, no one really reads it. Anyways, I’ve noticed that most everybody is dumb in one way or another, so they deserve to be judged. Especially when they think they are perfect.

Anyways, people are dumb in one way or another. Like, for instance, I might be pretty good at sitting around the house and doing nothing while watching TV and eating pizza, but I’m pretty good at math. Other people might be good at math but terrible at relationships. And you know what? People like to blame their problems on all kinds of things like their upbringing from their parents. Like me for instance. I was brought up in a stable, happy family. I blame my parents for not being more dysfunctional for the reason why I’m not famous and successful. Thankfully, I’m not. I would make a really bad famous person.

Most people’s problems aren’t other people’s faults. They are either because you are too lazy or too ambitious. Mine are all from being too lazy.  Most of yours are either that or you are too ambitious. That leads to high expectations, being disappointed a lot and ruining relationships with all your lazy friends.

The worst people at being judgy are not even people at all. They are cars. Cars used to be so passive. They would just do what we asked them, which was to drive us places, allow us to speed somewhere whenever we felt like it and die when we forgot to do an oil change for 100,000 miles. Nowadays, all they want to do is nag us.

Exactly how I do not parallel park.

I can’t go anywhere unsafely anymore. Like the other day, I had to go to pick up my son at the church, which is 45 seconds by car, 30 seconds by foot. Being lazy, of course I drove over there. But the thought of doing something after 8 pm, that wasn’t changing the channel to something more interesting sent me over the edge. I’m like, “I will drive over and get him, but I’m not going to try very hard.” So I didn’t wear my seatbelt and let me tell you, the stinking car nagged me all the way over. Beep, beep, beeep, louder and louder until it was practically screaming at me. I’m like, “Just quit judging me! You don’t know me! You don’t know my background! You don’t know the circumstances!”

Then the other day, I was just driving home minding my own business, and the thing starts beeping at me again. “Gas is low, go get some more!” I’m like I just filled you up two weeks ago, can you just be satisfied with the amount of gas you have and just deal with it? Or if you are so needy, just get it yourself. I mean, you sit in a garage for 23 hours a day. Get off your lazy but and do it yourself. You’re worse than the kids. You leave oil marks all over the garage, you never pick up after yourself.

And now some cars can’t even let you parallel park? Like I spent at least zero minutes working on the during driver’s ed, but I know for a fact that other people were traumatized by it growing up. Could you at least let them be bitter about having to do it? Anyways, cars are the worst. So judgemental. Like they ever do anything for us, but create bigger bills and stuff.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Freaking Judgy Car Ben

 

40 thoughts on “Cars are judgy”

  2. This is why my husband has hated cars ever since they went from mechanical to technological. We don’t have the same control over the car that we used to. Supposedly the car knows better. Soon it will be setting a curfew and taking us to places we don’t want to go. “What do you mean you want to make another stop? It’s time to get home for dinner!”

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    • They are getting way too bossy for me. I don’t blame your husband for being bitter about cars. Pretty soon they will be telling us that they don’t want to be parked outside and will make holes in homes and garages to come inside.

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  3. Ha! *snort* 😀

    My car is judgy. But, I’m so glad it doesn’t have a Simon Cowell accent and vocabulary! If it insulted me, like Simon, saying “Your driving is awful. Dreadful, just dreadful” or “You drive like Stevie Wonder would drive if he got behind the wheel”, I’d have to get a different car. 😛

    HUGS!!! 🙂

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  4. A friend of mine just got a Honda CR-V. And after you drive it for two hours or so at a time, an image of a coffee mug appears on the dashboard to tell you that you need to relax/change drivers/do something else/buy another vehicle.

    It’s like the car is trying to be conscientious, but then again it’s the kind of conscientiousness you’d expect from a machine…

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  5. Haha Ben, very funny post! The only thing unsafe about my car are the drivers. My daughter pinched the sidewall and destroyed the tire for the second time in as many years! How? By parallel parking. She can’t do it! Can you teach her, cuz I can’t!

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  7. No car is more judgmental, or pious than a Prius. Even the name evokes long-nosed neighbors spying at you from behind their living room curtains, as they mentally count the wine bottles overflowing your recycle bin.

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  8. My husband recently got a 2014 Ford Fusion (the newest car we’ve owned yet), and he is fascinated by how politely it judges. If you forget to put on your seat belt, it gently reminds you with bell-like tones. It lets you know with a similar sweet noise if you are going to back into something. I’m amazed! Actually, I thought it was beginning in the 1980’s that cars would eventually stop beeping or buzzing to remind you about the seatbelt. I remember a roommate of mine had an old clunker dubbed the SS Enormous which would not stop buzzing, and we felt quite ill-used by it.

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  9. These newer cars have all been raised on technology and information overload. Thank goodness my car is too old to nag me to fill up on gas because I’d be getting nagged to the point of driving it into a canal. I have this thing where I hate spending any time out of my day at gas stations. There’s always a bit more juice left in there to get me where I need to go. Besides, I think I like the rush of adrenaline that comes with will I make it?

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  12. That was the worst thing about Driver’s Ed. Parallel Parking. I will drive to another place to avoid it. And you can’t even use the auto parallel parking feature when you take you driving test! Even after I told the instructor I never intended to ever parallel park. I was bitterly disappointed, but it’s the DMV, isn’t everyone?

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  13. True! I was driving a rental the other day because my car was in the shop, and the dashboard on the rental lit up bright red something like “Too Close” when I got too close to the car in front of me. And I was like “look car, this is the city, and the city has stupid drivers, and I can tailgate if I want to!”

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