A Total Eclipse of the Hero

What powers will I get?

If you haven’t heard of the total eclipse of the sun that is coming, then you’ve been even more hidden from the news than I have. I took a quick trip to Seattle for a wedding this weekend, and it was all people could talk about. Mostly because people are taking pilgrimages up to Idaho and other places up north where the eclipse can best be viewed.

And you better believe that every business that is somehow related to it is exploiting it for their profit. We were going to come home on Sunday, but we were really worried about the rumored traffic, and gas shortages, so we started driving home on Saturday to avoid the traffic. Since we left at 6 pm and the drive was 13 hours or so, we wanted to stop at a cheap hotel for the night and get some rest before continuing. My wife looked up hotels in Boise, which is about halfway, and most of them were booked for the night. Even though the eclipse was two days away, a hotel we did find a “Suite” available at the LaQuinta Inn, hotel to the stars, for only $1,200. Of course, we are stupidly wealthy, so we of course passed on that one.

And of course, Amazon, 7-11, and our cheap hotel are super excited to sell these state of the art “eclipse” glasses that are glorified 3-D glasses from the 80’s for not overpriced at all $50. If I had known I could make up some freaking glasses, or have some property in Idaho Falls that people could camp on for a low price of $1000 a night, I would have been excited for this eclipse even more.

But what gets me excited about the eclipse is the superpowers that I will be gaining from it. As you might know if you watched Heroes on NBC several years ago, all those people gained their powers when the eclipse happened. I can’t wait to see what power I get when this thing happens.

I assume that it will be what I am doing when the eclipse happens, so hopefully, I will be running, or lifting a ball or something. I’m trying to decide what I will be doing at the time so I can determine what power I get.

There are so many choices right? Maybe I will hop off the roof of our house to get flying powers. Or maybe I should be looking in the mirror and taking a photo to get super selfie powers, or doing the dishes and I can be a dish slinger.  Probably what I will be doing is sitting on the couch and eating pizza and that would be the best. I could become the Ultimate Couch Pizza man.

I would make it my mission to save you all from a life of productivity, efficiency and purpose. I know you would all thank me for helping you to realize that dreams are dumb and couches are comfortable. And pizza is the only food you ever really need.

I hope you all enjoy the eclipse and the blindness it will be causing most of you who brought the glasses. I hope that the global shift it causes will make me a bitter hero, who can save you from your boring life of purpose.

We will all be different after this. I can’t wait to see how much worse I become.


Bitter Eclipse of the Heart Ben


31 thoughts on “A Total Eclipse of the Hero

  1. Hope you got to enjoy a crust completely eclipsed with tomato sauce, cheese and your favorite toppings. That counts, right? Don’t even need special glasses to behold it. 🙂


  2. The bit about getting powers made me laugh out loud, then I started thinking damn, I should be working on my own superpower plan of action. So exciting. Can’t believe those fuckers are charging $1000 + per night. The owners should be flogged. Sorry little Bobby, I was willing to pay a little extra but these assholes are trying to screw us with no lube.


  3. I’ve heard that if you stare at the eclipse long enough, you will gain dark powers. Or the power of darkness. Or the power to see everything darkly. Or something like that. Anyway, I think I’m gonna try it.


  4. I hope you are smiling when the eclipse strikes, going forward you will forever be known as Beside himself Ben! Elated with joy and positive perspectives 😀
    Best you stay inside and remain bitter at all times!


  5. Haha! You have outdone your bitter humorous self in this post! I am excited to read about posts on the eclipse. Alot of hype really and since it is once in a lifetime phenomena, businesses will profit for sure! Happy eclipse watching on your end and lrt us know if you develop super powers! Hmm Super Bitter Ben 😉😃


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