What powers will I get?
If you haven’t heard of the total eclipse of the sun that is coming, then you’ve been even more hidden from the news than I have. I took a quick trip to Seattle for a wedding this weekend, and it was all people could talk about. Mostly because people are taking pilgrimages up to Idaho and other places up north where the eclipse can best be viewed.
And you better believe that every business that is somehow related to it is exploiting it for their profit. We were going to come home on Sunday, but we were really worried about the rumored traffic, and gas shortages, so we started driving home on Saturday to avoid the traffic. Since we left at 6 pm and the drive was 13 hours or so, we wanted to stop at a cheap hotel for the night and get some rest before continuing. My wife looked up hotels in Boise, which is about halfway, and most of them were booked for the night. Even though the eclipse was two days away, a hotel we did find a “Suite” available at the LaQuinta Inn, hotel to the stars, for only $1,200. Of course, we are stupidly wealthy, so we of course passed on that one.
And of course, Amazon, 7-11, and our cheap hotel are super excited to sell these state of the art “eclipse” glasses that are glorified 3-D glasses from the 80’s for not overpriced at all $50. If I had known I could make up some freaking glasses, or have some property in Idaho Falls that people could camp on for a low price of $1000 a night, I would have been excited for this eclipse even more.
But what gets me excited about the eclipse is the superpowers that I will be gaining from it. As you might know if you watched Heroes on NBC several years ago, all those people gained their powers when the eclipse happened. I can’t wait to see what power I get when this thing happens.
I assume that it will be what I am doing when the eclipse happens, so hopefully, I will be running, or lifting a ball or something. I’m trying to decide what I will be doing at the time so I can determine what power I get.
There are so many choices right? Maybe I will hop off the roof of our house to get flying powers. Or maybe I should be looking in the mirror and taking a photo to get super selfie powers, or doing the dishes and I can be a dish slinger. Probably what I will be doing is sitting on the couch and eating pizza and that would be the best. I could become the Ultimate Couch Pizza man.
I would make it my mission to save you all from a life of productivity, efficiency and purpose. I know you would all thank me for helping you to realize that dreams are dumb and couches are comfortable. And pizza is the only food you ever really need.
I hope you all enjoy the eclipse and the blindness it will be causing most of you who brought the glasses. I hope that the global shift it causes will make me a bitter hero, who can save you from your boring life of purpose.
We will all be different after this. I can’t wait to see how much worse I become.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Eclipse of the Heart Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Hope you got to enjoy a crust completely eclipsed with tomato sauce, cheese and your favorite toppings. That counts, right? Don’t even need special glasses to behold it. 🙂
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Now that is a huge circle, I can get on board with.
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Ha! So how bad is it? How much worse did you become?
Are you now EmbitteredBen?!
Thanks for the laughs! 😀
HUGS!!! 🙂
PS…it was cloudy and rained here all day on Eclipse Day.
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With my bad luck I was getting a haircut as the eclipse happened so I just became Haircut Guy and my hair will continue to bald.
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The bit about getting powers made me laugh out loud, then I started thinking damn, I should be working on my own superpower plan of action. So exciting. Can’t believe those fuckers are charging $1000 + per night. The owners should be flogged. Sorry little Bobby, I was willing to pay a little extra but these assholes are trying to screw us with no lube.
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I know. I hope that no one ends up staying in that hotel and the owner’s get sent to the cleaners.
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I think you will turn into a werewolf.
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Probably a bitter werewolf.
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Wouldn’t have it any other way.
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That once a month is pretty nice. I don’t have to deal with jobs or families or anything.
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Hey! Weren’t you already the Ultimate Couch Pizza Man?? *disappointed*
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I would have even more powers to actually stick to the couch, so my wife couldn’t get me off it even if I tried.
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How long does it take to know if the eclipse was effective? I am hoping on 58% of a super power since we only got a 58% eclipse, but that’s fine with me… Almost being able to fly should be a fun thing!
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It should take place over the next few months, depending on if your season gets renewed for a second season or not.
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LOL… I’ll keep my fingers crossed, but I have a bad feeling 😛
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Yeah, my blog is in danger of being cancelled soon. I better start coming up with some better storylines, or I’m toast soon.
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Oh no, I was talking about having a bad feeling regarding my “almost being able to fly” powers… Mouahahahaha, I am pretty confident you’ll get undecouchable soon!
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Uh, is undecouchable a french word? Cause I have no idea what that word is. Other than I better not get cancelled.
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invented word, by ‘moi’… Undecouchable: that you can not pull out of his mighty couch by any means 🙂
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Oh thank goodness. I thought I was going to look like a complete tool because I didn’t know that word. Don’t worry though. I’m still a complete tool.
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Oh, I wouldn’t say that! 😉
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Oh I guess a complete tool then.
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Exploitation is the name of the game….800.00 for the glasses here! Come on! let us look at the freaking eclipse! Grrrr, so bitter Ben.
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I know right? Just let us go blind from looking at it. Some people must be so bitter that it is cloudy right now and they didn’t get to see the sun get covered.
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I’ve heard that if you stare at the eclipse long enough, you will gain dark powers. Or the power of darkness. Or the power to see everything darkly. Or something like that. Anyway, I think I’m gonna try it.
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Maybe I should just stare at the sun long enough to go blind. Then I could be like Daredevil and have cool kicking butts of others powers.
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I hope you are smiling when the eclipse strikes, going forward you will forever be known as Beside himself Ben! Elated with joy and positive perspectives 😀
Best you stay inside and remain bitter at all times!
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Yeah, with my luck I would be stuck with a power that was terrible. Like super dishes washing man, or guy that cleans up really fast. I should just stick to laying on the couch.
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Haha! You have outdone your bitter humorous self in this post! I am excited to read about posts on the eclipse. Alot of hype really and since it is once in a lifetime phenomena, businesses will profit for sure! Happy eclipse watching on your end and lrt us know if you develop super powers! Hmm Super Bitter Ben 😉😃
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Yeah, these people taking advantage of all these other people watching the sun for an hour. Sounds like I need to get on inventing some phenomenon and then profiting off it. I think Super Bitter Ben would be great.
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Lol!!
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