BitterFest 2018

Sheep just show up where the conventions are.

I’m on Instagram from time to time and all I see are all these things that stupid people are doing. Like active things, out doing stuff, going places. Obviously we need more people to just take pictures of themselves just sitting down, doing lazy things. As I wrote in a previous post, I am going to do way more photos, now that I have a GoPro, of me doing nothing, being lazy, sitting on the couch, etc.

But now I’m seeing all these things that are happening in the summer. There’s E3(the big video game conference), ComicCon, VidCon, CES, CVX Live, PAX, Botcon, and Coachella. All these gatherings of people doing stuff, dressing up, buying things. For some reason I haven’t been invited.

Not sure why other than I am not famous, not an influencer, not rich, don’t have the time, not in the industry, don’t have any vacation time, or have a ticket or any reason to attend them. I find this highly and bitterly offensive. Just because I wouldn’t want to come to your stupid event, because I don’t care about it, doesn’t mean that you should not be inviting me to come, with tickets and airline and hotel and a stipend to attend it. Let’s start realizing how little I would mean to an event and start inviting me anyways.

Since that will never, nor should it ever happen, I am just going to not do stuff and sit at home. Also, I’m going to find some highly ambitious people that are good at starting events and start my own. I will just tell them things to do and they will do it, because it is fun to do things lazy and bitter people ask you to do.

The food will be amazing.

In other words, either this summer, or Summer 2052, I’m officially starting my own convention, BitterCon. Just like the others, there will be high prices, crappy food, sweaty people dressed up in costumes, little to no reason to come. There will also be fights breaking out, despite there being plentiful security guards sitting around sleeping to break them up.

There will be dressing up!

There will be all kinds of great things to do, but not at my convention. We will build this week long event up to be nothing short of amazing, only to be way short of amazing. There will be huge promises made of many amazingly famous people attending the conference, only to them suing us because they weren’t even contacted about going. This will of course, bring much publicity to the conference, only to disappoint everyone involved.

There will be all kinds of fake merchandise being sold as authentic, autographed, and one of a kind, when it is only really just stuff we found in the garbage.  Of there won’t be any refunds, returns or any sort of customer service to help you in any way.

Because of all these things, we anticipate not only a huge following this year, but next year as well. It will be something that you will have nightmares about when you are sitting at your desk thinking about when you are on your couch, and talking about with all the friends you don’t have.

We will of course have the wackest of accommodations and the worst of weather planned as it is on December 25th(I’m pretty sure no other events are happening that day). So bring your warmest coats, your bitterest frowns and your thickest wallets, because it is going to be an event you will soon forget.

Welcome to BitterCon 2017,

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Event Planner Ben

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39 thoughts on “BitterFest 2018

  1. Pingback: Posts of Note Week 15 – Flying Through Water

  2. Do you need a talent booker for Bitter Con? I think by then I can volunteer my services. Cons make me bitter. Why, you might ask? Well, they cost big bucks. Then if you want to meet your favorite celebrity, you have to stand in line for hours like the world’s largest cattle call just to get 2 seconds and a handler to push you along. Oh, you could pay 200 for a picture. What’s not to like?

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  3. Ahhh… Too bad. I have an appointment to get an ingrown nail removed on Dec. 25th! It should be pretty infected by then, so I should be in for quite a ride at the doctor’s… Probably not as much fun as Bittercon, but I’ll have a thought for you guys… If I think about you.

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  4. I will purchase a table, be a no-show due to Christmas, be bitter about losing the money for the table and my “fans” will be bitter at me for not showing up. This is a great idea. I can’t wait to disappoint.

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  5. Sure, sign me up for BitterCon20XX, send me cash and gift certificates and travel vouchers good to go anywhere, and I will not come to your convention. Instead, I’ll cash in everything and keep the fat stack of cash, like any proper self-respecting human being should be expected to. And then my children and my wife will promptly pick my pockets and “help me” spend that. If you include gift certificates for food they’ll also eat that for me, because they want to help me with my diet plan. Instead of attending your convention I can take a few naps and search for fast food crumbs left by the family, unless they publish a list of things they “need” me to do “right now,” in which case I’ll procrastinate until they threaten and sigh and accuse me of hating them all. So, thank you for planning such a lovely, bitter event. I anticipate it’ll be a smashingly bitter success. ~ DM

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