The Bitter Heart Replacement

Not so smart are you heart?

Not so smart are you heart?

For years, I’ve talked about wanting to become less of a person and more of a robot. Why people want to have so many fleshy people parts is beyond me. I don’t know about you, but I would really like to have parts of my body that didn’t hurt all the time. My shoulders, my knees, and most other joints I possess hurt all the time. I would welcome them all if a doctor would like to experiment on me. Unfortunately, it seems that I don’t have six million dollars(or billion I guess is now what the cost would be).

My heart, on the other hand, is something that I’ve replaced on my own. While I was born with a bitter heart, I’ve added way more bitterness to it over the years by experience. You know how the Grinch had a tiny heart that grew four times the size when he saw the Who’s down in Whoville singing or whatever? Well, my heart has also grown over the years. Grown more bitter.

My bitter heart was enlarged when I was young and at Christmas didn’t get the only thing I asked for that year. I didn’t get the Transformer, Springs, which not only changed from robot to car, but car to helicopter. Santa knew I wanted it, and I had only been mostly bitter that year. He owes me Springs. Now, there is no way to get him and the time has passed. The bitterness of not getting him has not passed however.

I grew 3 sizes more bitter.

I grew 3 sizes more bitter.

Then another piece of bitterness was added to my heart I didn’t get the car I wanted in high school. My parents knew at the age of 14 when I was legally able to drive, I wanted a Nissan 300ZX twin turbo. Although they did let me drive the Chevy Citation, which is what I received several times in the form of speeding tickets. If only they would have given me the Nissan, I could have outrun the cops and avoided the stupid speeding tickets.

Oh and the girls. One after another, from third grade until this day, each one that I tried to date, took turns reaching into my chest cavity, grabbing the bitter stained heart, threw it on the ground, and stomped vigorously on it. I don’t understand why after all the careful stalking I did, they didn’t want anything to do with me. What does it take to get a girl to want to give all to you, when you clearly give at least 10% to them?

As we all prepare to give stupid little cards with hearts on them, or roses that are the color of a heart, or get ready to fight with our significant other for the underwhelming gifts that we got for Valentine’s, let us think of how we can enlarge our hearts with more bitterness. How we can be like the Grinch who grew his heart four sizes in one day, but with bitterness.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Heart Strings Broken Ben

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28 thoughts on “The Bitter Heart Replacement

  1. I’m freshly bitter I didn’t get any limp overpriced flowers this year, or taken out to an overcrowded restaurant to eat lukewarm food (from a limited menu) delivered by ragged out of breath waitstaff.

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  2. The current political situation has added immensely to my bitterness. I don’t go in for V-Day gifts anymore, but will be interested to see what Don-Old decides to give Melodramia… maybe a threesome with Iskanka? Oh my, did that sound bitter? 🙂

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  3. I, too, would like to become the bionic woman as all my human parts gradually wear out. But I’ll want those awesome sound effects when I do cool action moves. Speaking of which, when are “they” going to make a reboot? The long wait is almost enough to make me bitter, and that’s saying a lot.

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  4. Right! Everybody is busy spending the day thinking about all the people that do (or will do) horrible things to us (for us, without us). But really, its the IMPORTANT stuff, like the car we NEEDED that we never got.

    This is the real heartache we need to find a way to avoid. Preach on my newfound brother in bitterness…

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  5. Well, this painted a grim and sad picture. It made me think that my heart isn’t as bitter as I thought. I shall drink to a bitter heart replacement. 🙂

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  6. I don’t know what to tell you, Ben! 10% is more than enough. Stalking is always an acceptable form of courtship. What was wrong with those girls? The Nissan was a sweet choice. I wish I would have had an Aston Martin this summer when I got a speeding ticket or maybe the Delta 88 from the Evil Dead movies.

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