I’ve got announcement to make that should make everyone pretty bitter. No, I’m not running for president, because I’m afraid I would actually win, and that would require working and pretending to be important and stuff and that just doesn’t fit my schedule. It would interrupt my deep couch sitting and heavy snoring. Oh and I hear you have to be around other people and that just doesn’t suit me. Speaking of suits, I would have to wear them and they aren’t nearly as comfortable as sweats, so I think I’ll pass.
What I do have to announce is that I have been published for the first time. And not just the publish button that I will hit at the end of this blog post. By an actual magazine. A magazine called Pilcrow and Dagger, which I was immediately attracted to because I had no idea what a Pilcrow was. And daggers are used to stab people in the back. And those ideals are what I stand for. Having no idea what I am doing, and stabbing people in the back.
Link to the website where I was published.
So I decided to submit a short story that I plagiarized from a source I know very well. My bitter blog. That’s right. I stole the idea from three posts I wrote a couple of years ago. It is a short story about a guy that can’t stand his job and uses video games to escape. So nothing like me in real life. The problem for the “character” in the short story is that video games didn’t help him escape, they actually kidnapped him.
So here’s the story ABOUT the story. I submitted it specifically for the January issue, because my short story fit the theme for that month, which was science fiction, fantasy and fairy tales. Of course, it got rejected for that, because that would have made too much sense, and since when do things make sense for me? They asked if they could keep it for future issues, which meant to me exactly what they were saying. That they never wanted to see such garbage again.
Then, about a month later I got an email saying congratulations, we want to publish your story, Another Realm, in our February/March issue which was themed, Love and Leprechauns, which makes total sense for me. They also decided that my story was the pick of the issue for their monthly podcast.
Another Podcast link in case you missed the one above.
I would like to include a link to the story, but I cannot, because you have to purchase the magazine either in digital or paper form to read it. But I can include the link to the website where you can purchase a copy(digital or paper) and I can link you to the podcast(which is free for all) of someone reading it. If you do end up buying a paper copy, I’m available for autographing it for $3000 or free depending on which option you find the most expensive. I will also be glad to sign digital copies.
Did you know I was on a Podcast?
Now that my poorly worded humble brag is over, you may return to your regularly scheduled ignoring of me. Tomorrow it is back to the regular Friday Gifture shenanigans where I will actually only subliminally implant reminders in my gifs about how awesome I am, and how bitter you are for coming back to this blog over and over again for disappointment.
AAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitterly Published Ben
Many congratulations, Ben! I was similarly excited when I had my first article published in a magazine. Bravo!
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Next step, the book and after that, The WORLD!
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Oh dear Lord, your second name isn’t Trump is it? 🙂
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I’m just trying to take over the world by bitterness. Oh and selling books. 🙂
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Ha,ha,ha!!
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Who would want to live in a huge White House anyways. Unless you can color it purple.
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Barney Purple!
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Now that would make a few Bureaucrats a little upset. And I would love that.
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Great post! And congrats!
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It was pretty exciting to be able to sell an autographed copy to my parents.
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Congrats! And I just LOVE your bitterly funny blog.
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Well, it comes from a deep seeded bitterness that has just been wanting to come out.
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Ha, yea I just posted something along those lines today.
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Only 8 million more posts on stuff that make me bitter and then we can get started.
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Bahahaha sign my digital copy please!! 😂
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You’ve got it. Here’s my digital autograph.
Thanks for bitterly reading my thing that got published or whatever.
Your least favorite author Bitter Ben Gardner
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 😀 😀 😀
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Thanks Alanna!
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Congratulations 🙂
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Thanks. Just waiting for the worldwide fame to come pouring in.
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I am sure it will happen any day now
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I think the fame bus just drove past my bus stop, so I’ll have to catch the next one.
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Wow! You got one on me. I have been published no times. (no = zero).
Like you, I once got a reply, but that was eight years ago.
Congratulations!
Walden Coyle
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Now I just need to trick someone into publishing my book.
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Congratulations !
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Thank you Sir Duncan.
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Congratulations – it takes just one step to start a journey!
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You know it. This is just the beginning.
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Congratulations on being published. As to reading your short story, I’m waiting for the novel. Oh, and thanks for liking my blog on The Donald. Cheers.
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Yeah, I would wait for the novel too. It will have a fancy cover and everything.
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Congrats on your accomplishment as a writer 😊
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Yeah, it was pretty exciting. Now if I could only finish my book and get that published.
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Keep plodding on. You will get there👍👏👏
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Yep, everyday. I love writing, so it is just a matter of time.
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All the best and a happy week ahead Bitter Ben! Always enjoy your reads and whenever I have time will rush over to catch up 😊
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I assume it will be nothing but bitterness for me this week. It’s March after all!
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Kidnapped by video games??? Hey, when the Navy Seals or whoever come to rescue you, can you have them look for my husband too? I think he may have disappeared into the same black hole. Congrats on publication, btw!
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I would recommend you just let him get kidnapped by them part time. If you let him, he will be so much better of a person when he gets out. The thing that got me out (I mean my character) was realizing that it was just as boring in video game land as it was in real life.
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Wonderful that they recognize such greatness…congrats.
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I know right? About time I get recognized for my bitterness.
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Congrats!!
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Thanks, I was quite floored when I got the email.
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Awesome! Does your story by any chance include video games ABOUT love and/or leprechauns?
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Unfortunately no leprechauns, but I did show my love of video games. Perhaps I should have added a four leaf clover somewhere.
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Wooohooo! Congrats! I’m applauding you.
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Thanks! Not as exciting as you getting a job, but I’ll take it!
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Very well done 🙂 Next Hollywood…although beware the beautician, I hear those wax strips can sting lol
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Thankfully, I hope to avoid getting my legs waxed. I will probably just remain a hairy man and go for parts like Sasquatch or the Bear in Revenent.
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Whoop whoop Congratulations! I sincerely hope you remain bitter 😁🎆🎉🎊🌌
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For that you can be assured I will always have bitterness in my heart.
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Wouldn’t want it any other way 😁
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Once a bitterman, always a bitterman.
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Once bitter, twice shy 😁
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Once twitter, twice as bitter.
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Yippeee!! That is so super awesome!! I can’t wait to read it in the magazine!! Congratulations!
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You actually can’t read it in the magazine unless you pay for it. Arrrghh. But I could just email it to you if you want, so you don’t have to pay for the magazine.
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That would be awesome, but I don’t want to be a bother or anything. I am so excited for you that you got published! I have a new email address. I sent you a message from it the other day, but wasn’t sure if you got it…maybe because of that!
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It’s not a bother at all. I got an email from you with the drawings. They are awesome. I hope to be able to revive that post again, cause it was a great idea.
I will find that email and send you the story.
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That sounds great! I am excited to see it! 🙂
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Cool. I’ll send it to you tomorrow from work.
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Hmm… seems like jealous feels a lot like bitter, with a hint of ‘thrilled for you’ and a dash of ‘you’re my hero’. Hoorah!
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Well, you are right. Being jealous does help move my bitterness along, so whenever I’m not feeling as bitter as I would like, I tend to try to be jealous of others to kickstart the bitterness in my day.
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Congratulations! May you spread angst far and wide.
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That is the goal. Worldwide bitteration.
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Congrats!
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Thanks! And may bitterness be ever in your favor.
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Congratulations! So excited for you. The beginning of many other fantastic things to come I’m sure. 😀
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I’m sure. I assume that the big six publishers will be calling me tonight to put in their offers for my next six books.
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That’s wicked! It’s almost hard to be bitter what with all my good vibes towards ya. Almost.
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I will always find something to be bitter about. Like the dentist yesterday messing up my vibes….
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This has to make you a little less bitter for a second, right?? That’s great – congrats!
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It does, but I have plenty of other things to be bitter about that it won’t last long.
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Love this post – so funny! And congratulations on being published even if the connection between your story and the theme was mind blowingly random…
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Yeah, it kind of perplexed me on making it in the different theme, as long as my words are somewhere on a page that other people can read.
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This is awesome! Congrats!
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Almost as cool as you turning 30. Just kidding. Not even close.
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This is way cooler!
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Ben, this must be a bitter moment for you. All I can say is; How much might I expect for one of your autographs on the open market? Will it make me enough to retire, or will I have to take on a fifth or sixth job in order to support my habit of reading or getting a podcast of your self-plagiarized original story? Not that I mind, mind you, as I will probably sell your story on the black market and pass it off as my own, anyway. Because, that’s the way I roll. Oh, and congratulations on your story being accepted! 😀
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I think the street value is like a million? So I’ve heard. You better hurry though, it’s a limited edition thing. And yeah, feel free to steal my story. It’s not that good.
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LOL. Ben, all I can say is having your autograph in my possession feels like I’m holding one of Willy Wonka’s Golden Tickets—but without the chocolate. 😀
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Yeah, except my ticket is bitter flavored chocolate. But still worth like a million dollars because you would be the only one to buy a copy.
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Just my luck. :O(
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Just your BITTER luck.
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😀
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YES!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!
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My bitterness final paved the way for something…I’d like to thank you for inspiring my bitterness(in only a good way of course).
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Awww thank YOU!!! You’re the best!!!
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I’m definitely the bitterest.
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the bitterBEST
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Ha, no you are the CHIbest.
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😉
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Nah! We’re thick-skinned people. But, your commentary inspired a blog idea for my personal blog……are you scared?
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Of course I’m scared. What ARE YOU GOING TO DO!!!!
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(Evil giggle) I’ll probably just mention it to Ellen. Don’t worry…I won’t use real names. FYI – we shared your blog on our Facebook page.
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So if you only mention it to Ellen, then no one in the world will ever hear it right? HAHA.
Cool, your Facebook page will make my blog famous!!!
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Exactly!
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Congratulations! Great news.
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Doesn’t hurt, but still waiting for it to make me rich.
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Well yeah, aren’t we all. At least your bitterness is getting you somewhere. Best wishes.
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Yeah it is getting me places. Like in trouble with everyone I know.
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They published your Sci-Fi story in a romance theme? Weirdos. They must have LOVED your story…pun intended.
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I know right? What kind of weirdos do sci-fi stories in love magazines. (by the way, I hope I didn’t throw you too much under the bus for humor sake).
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Ha! Congratulations! 🙂
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I’d like to thank myself for being such a great writer, I’d like to thank my wife for being smart and choosing a great husband…oops sorry, I just realized this isn’t the Oscars, and I’m not giving my acceptance speech.
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Can I still get dressed up and wear a designer gown? 😉
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Heck yeah, you can. It will just be a party of two though.
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Congratulations, I enjoy your writings.
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And finally someone printed my writings somewhere else besides my computer and blog.
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Congratulations on your publication. If you want to humble-brag, just do it and move on. It’s okay as long as you admit it.
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I like to humble brag and then not move on, so it can be a full blown brag.
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Congratulations. I am soooo bitter (jealous) that you did this.
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That is what it was meant for. To make other people bitter and jealous, including me.
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i’m bitter, too, about this.
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Just to complete the loop, I’m also bitter about this.
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no! i’m bitter-er.
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I’m the bitterest. I have a bitter blog that has 600+ entries about bitterness. FTW.
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now you’re (about to have) ‘ve dunnit: i’m gonna channel the frustration and anger about this into PEEEEYOOOR bitterness. and i not only have one bottle of (°Angostura °Aromatic°) Bitters @ home, i have another half-full bottle! i might just (try to) drink it un-diluted. imagine how much moah bitter i could get!
(and tho’ there aren’t 600 whaddevurz in my blog, there is the undefinable un-imaginable essence of bitterness liberally sprinkulld thru- out)
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Pure bitterness right here.
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Congratulations. I hope your success in being published doesn’t go to your head and make you, well, sweet instead of bitter. J.
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It’s already gone to my head with all the parades that I’ve set up in my honor, but there is nothing that can take my bitterness away.
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Congrats homie!
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Thanks, so any progress on making it to the Bitter Northwest?
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Still working on finding a job. I think I’ve finally landed a recruiter that will work with me! Fingers crossed!
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Always nice having a recruiter give you a little hand. I’ve always wondered how to find a job elsewhere, when you aren’t highly sought after like some people I know.
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The recruiter sounds super excited. She already has heaps of ideas. I’m giving her a week or two. We’ll see. I know it can take MUCH longer. But I should at least hear progress reports, you know? I just had a lengthy interview with her over the phone yesterday. (The first recruiter was a quack. This one SEEMS legit.)
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How nice that a recruiter actually is trying to help you. My recruiters were always telling me to be someone else.
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Congratulations! I’ll never look at a pilcrow quite the same way.
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And I will always look at a dagger as something to stab someone in the back with.
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Congratulations!!
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It was a long time coming. And then made my bitterness go up when I realized I haven’t gotten my book published yet.
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Congratulations sir! When do you expect this to be made into a Movie?…”Hold’em Hook”!…..BG>
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I expect this short story to be made into a TV program next year. (Development in Hollywood, I tell ya). My full length book I expect to be made into a movie in 2017 to compete with some Marvel movie, and I expect it to be published as a book in 2018. Kind of backwards, but it is kind of a big deal.
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Congratulations on running for President.
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I just decided to drop out. It was a 10 minute whirlwind. .
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Well, if that doesn’t make me bitter, I don’t know what does. Here you are a published author and I am merely some bitterly disappointed pleb that reads your blog. Don’t tell me I actually have to be nice and act like I’m interested by clicking on those links.
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You don’t have to follow through with the links, just click on them so it seems as if you actually listened.
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Oh, okay good. Whew!
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Because not following through with something just helps you become more bitter.
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Sounds easy enough to me!
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I’m just full of nice information.
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