About 14 years ago, our life was feeling a little gray. Things were fine, but there was just something little missing. We just had a feeling like our family wasn’t…quite complete. There was color in our life, but we needed a little more. We had many nervous conversations about why, how much, if we were up to the task, and how we would handle a new addition. We finally just went for it. We went to Costco and picked up the most beautiful 50 inch screen TV. Life was more colorful. And the sound. Surround. 5.1 Dolby and so crisp and clear that we would be able to hear it when it started action movieing at night.
We’ve since moved on from the beautiful creation of 50 inch screen and gone bigger and better and brighter and even 1080p-er. And of course when the right time comes we will welcome a newer, brighter and even better sounding TV into our lives. Nothing creates a bitter edge better when you are angry at your basketball team losing in 4K and 7.1 surround.
Then there are those people, cough cough, my parents, who feel the need to mute the television. Why would they try to silence the bitter sounds of basketball, the ear splitting bombs of an action flick, or the unending bitterness of the news?
That is like getting a Lamborghini and putting a Mini-Cooper engine in it because you didn’t want to make the neighbors jealous with the rev of the engine every morning.
That is like getting the latest smartphone and installing the same software that was used on the very first cellphone, and just using it for -gasp- phone calls.
The mute button should never be used on a television. Noise, sound, crows attacking towns, cars blowing up, secrets being told really loud, all those things were made for television. HD picture, HD sound, those were not made to be muffled, shut down, quieted or shushed.
If you want to find something to shut up, or mute, or shut down, look for the annoying less useful, picture averse tele. The Telephone.
Telephones were meant to be seen, not heard. I’m not talking about the mini-computer, musica playing, highlight streaming, twit running, Facebook fetching smart phone. I’m talking about that whiny, cranky ringing thing that only brings the type of communication that makes you cringe. There is no sound that a telephone makes that is anywhere near pleasant to the earholes. The buzz, other peoples voices, the ring, etc.
The mute button was created for the phone. So you could make fun of people out loud while not “offending” them. There are a few other things that make me bitter that should have mute button.
Political Debates (or politicians in general) – I’m sure a word or two accidentally comes out of a debate that actually matters or makes sense or persuades, but as a guy that hates confrontation, we should just use funny emoji’s to explain just how little sense any of them are making.
Doctors – They are good at asking questions like, “How long has this been going on?” (since I was a kid) or “How many times a week do you eat pizza?” (How many is all of them?) or “Does this run in the family?” (there hasn’t been any kind of running in my family for quite a while), but very bad at giving you answers to your questions. “Is there a magical pill for this?” (It’s too early to say) or “How about a surgery that can fix this?” (oh that’s way too dangerous, just keep living with your pain. $20 co-pay please).
Meetings – I’ve been to way too many of them, and I avoid them like the plague. Actually meetings are the worst kind of plague. They kind that inject boredom and uselessness and utter waste of time into your brain. And they steal all life from your brain, including oxygen. If we had a mute button for meetings, at least there would be entertainment.
Make sure your life isn’t incomplete. Make sure that 50 to 100 inch TV is safely inside your house. Make sure you have the surround sound set up for those action movies. And make sure no one has access to your remote. Because they might try to mute your TV. And then what’s next? Mute you? Unacceptable.
Bitter Muted Ben