Cities have had a long history of having protectors of their fair citizens. Superman has long protected the people of Metropolis from its powerful alien enemies. Batman has learned to fight dirty and in the dark to protect the citizens of Gotham. And Spiderman gracefully glides across, above and through the skyscrapers to protect New York City from its colorful nemeses. What about Seattle you ask? We have this guy:
This guy protects the city of Seattle from pests…like spiders…and bats…and supers, oh my. Mr. Stop Bugging Me will, for enough money, come to your house and use his superhero powered spray stuff on your house to protect your little Metropolis from its tiny supervillains.
Though the Stop Bugging Me guy is pretty powerful against the so dangerous bugs that buzz, sting and squeak, and Superheros are pretty good against regular sized Supervillains, who is there to protect you against the mildly annoying? You know, the rest of the billions of people left that you don’t want around? That’s where I come in. Bitter Ben’s Human Pest Control(BBHPC). Here are a few examples of the pests I will protect you from:
Politicks – Every year around November these ticks burrow themselves into your televisions, radios, newspapers, and social medias platforms and don’t let go until they are elected. Then, as soon as they suck you dry of your vote and your money, they will attach themselves to other hosts until they need you in four more years.
The Bitter Ben Cure? Bug OFF! Bitter Spray. We will come to your house and turn off your Wi-Fi, cut down all the billboards and stick sign thingies and protect you from all your friends, family and other idiots that could possibly talk to you about anything, especially politicks.
Buzzy Beez – These human pests love to get in your face and know all of your bizzinezz. And they like to spell everything wrong like deez and nutz. Once they meet a victim, they love “getting to know the real you”, by Facestalking, Insta- tella-gramming you, and Tweeterpating everything about you. Whatever you do, don’t ever leave your smart phone out when these bloodsuckers around.
The Bitter Ben Cure: We introduce another Buzzy Bee and they stalk each other.
Sea-gullibles – These human pests will believe anything you tell them. Which is great if you want to prank them, but sucks when you are making small talk with them, because you have to explain eeeverything. What?Any expression you use has to be explained, sarcasm is a complete mystery and they flock around with a question mark above their head and a confused look on their face.
Cure: We tell them everyday is April Fools Day and of course they believe you. They go mad and end up in an institution.
Ant-agonists – These humans pests love to make mountains out of molehills, but most of all they will take the opposite of every position you do. If you love Superman, they love Marvel, if you drink water, they eat fire, if you love Cheetos, they love eating the opposite of Cheetos which I assume is the the driest, non tastiest dirt ever. They just love taking the opposition so they can dig under your skin. Much like politicks.
The Bitter Ben Cure: A big magnifying glass and logic.
Cocky-roaches – These human pond scums think the world revolves around them. They are often found in gyms looking at the mirror, in nightclubs telling you how great they are, and at work, so busy telling you how right they are all the time, that they never actually work. They think they are the best at everything, even though they are the worst at anything.
The Bitter Ben Cure: A pin to to their head, instantly pops their inflated ego.
Caterpil-liars – These human pests are always sweaty and looking to the left. They promise they will come in under budget, didn’t steal the last cookie in the cookie jar, and totally didn’t cheat on the test.
The Bitter Ben Cure: A tiny lie detector.
Driver’s Lice-sense – These human wastes of space endanger your very way of life on the highways. They tailgate you whenever they get a chance, don’t take their correct turn at four way stops, never use their turn signals and use Stop signs as a suggestion. They always using their horn and constantly texting while driving.
The Bitter Ben Cure: A device planted on their car that will stop them right in the middle of the toll lane.
Mesquitos – These salesperson pests will sell you with their fancy flavoring like detailed used car that look like they have only been driven 50,000 miles instead of the real 250,000 miles they have been driven, staged homes that have rodent problems and beautiful looks that are falling apart on the inside. They try to dazzle you with words, that really don’t mean anything.
The Bitter Ben Cure: Polish remover.
We won’t be able to protect you from the world’s most famous supervillains, or be able to skillfully protect you from the world’s tiniest pests, but when it comes to the Human Pests that just won’t Stop Bugging You, Ben’s Bitter Human Pest Control will protect you from the mildest of annoyances with the biggest of destruction.
What are you biggest human pests? What would be your cure?
Bitter THAT STINGS Ben