Pest Control for Humans

The protector of Metropolis

The protector of Metropolis

Cities have had a long history of having protectors of their fair citizens.  Superman has long protected the people of Metropolis from its powerful alien enemies.  Batman has learned to fight dirty and in the dark to protect the citizens of Gotham.  And Spiderman gracefully glides across, above and through the skyscrapers to protect New York City from its colorful nemeses. What about Seattle you ask? We have this guy:

This is SBM Man.

Seattle’s protector everyone…

This guy protects the city of Seattle from pests…like spiders…and bats…and supers, oh my.  Mr. Stop Bugging Me will,  for enough money,  come to your house and use his superhero powered spray stuff on your house to protect your little Metropolis from its tiny supervillains.

Though the Stop Bugging Me guy is pretty powerful against the so dangerous bugs that buzz, sting and squeak, and Superheros are pretty good against regular sized Supervillains, who is there to protect you against the mildly annoying? You know, the rest of the billions of people left that you don’t want around? That’s where I come in.  Bitter Ben’s Human Pest Control(BBHPC).  Here are a few examples of the pests I will protect you from:

Politicks – Every year around November these ticks burrow themselves into your televisions, radios, newspapers, and social medias platforms and don’t let go until they are elected.  Then, as soon as they suck you dry of your vote and your money, they will  attach themselves to other hosts until they need you in four more years.

The Bitter Ben Cure? Bug OFF! Bitter Spray.  We will come to your house and turn off your Wi-Fi, cut down all the billboards and stick sign thingies and protect you from all your friends, family and other idiots that could possibly talk to you about anything, especially politicks.

Will protect you from politics that grow in your hair.

BBHPC Will protect you from politicks that grow in your hair.

Buzzy Beez – These human pests love to get in your face and know all of your bizzinezz.  And they like to spell everything wrong like deez and nutz.  Once they meet a victim, they love “getting to know the real you”, by Facestalking,  Insta- tella-gramming you, and Tweeterpating everything about you.  Whatever you do, don’t ever leave your smart phone out when these bloodsuckers around.

The Bitter Ben Cure: We introduce another Buzzy Bee and they stalk each other.


Sea-gullibles – These human pests will believe anything you tell them.  Which is great if you want to prank them, but sucks when you are making small talk with them, because you have to explain eeeverything.  What?Any expression you use has to be explained, sarcasm is a complete mystery and they flock around with a question mark above their head and a confused look on their face.

Cure: We tell them everyday is April Fools Day and of course they believe you.  They go mad and end up in an institution.

They're so seagullible.

They’re so seagullible.

Ant-agonists – These humans pests love to make mountains out of molehills, but most of all they will take the opposite of every position you do.  If you love Superman, they love Marvel, if you drink water, they eat fire, if you love Cheetos, they love eating the opposite of Cheetos which I assume is the the driest, non tastiest dirt ever.  They just love taking the opposition so they can dig under your skin.  Much like politicks.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A big magnifying glass and logic.

's favorite.

And Ant-tagonist’s favorite words.

Cocky-roaches – These human pond scums think the world revolves around them.  They are often found in gyms looking at the mirror, in nightclubs telling you how great they are, and at work, so busy telling you how right they are all the time, that they never actually work.  They think they are the best at everything, even though they are the worst at anything.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A pin to to their head, instantly pops their inflated ego.

Wanna know how great a cocky-roach is? Just ask them.

Wanna know how great a cocky-roach is? Just ask them.

Caterpil-liars – These human pests are always sweaty and looking to the left.  They promise they will come in under budget, didn’t steal the last cookie in the cookie jar, and totally didn’t cheat on the test.

The Bitter Ben Cure:  A tiny lie detector.

Skim Milk.  The worst pretender.

Skim Milk. The worst caterpil-liar.  

Driver’s Lice-sense –  These human wastes of space endanger your very way of life on the highways.  They tailgate you whenever they get a chance, don’t take their correct turn at four way stops, never use their turn signals and use Stop signs as a suggestion. They always using their horn and constantly texting while driving.

The Bitter Ben Cure: A device planted on their car that will stop them right in the middle of the toll lane.

The protection against driver's lice-sense's.

The protection against driver’s lice-sense’s.

Mesquitos – These salesperson pests will sell you with their fancy flavoring like detailed used car that look like they have only been driven 50,000 miles instead of the real 250,000 miles they have been driven, staged homes that have rodent problems and beautiful looks that are falling apart on the inside. They try to dazzle you with words, that really don’t mean anything.

The Bitter Ben Cure:  Polish remover.

He will find you and he will remove your polish.

He will find you and he will remove your polish.

We won’t be able to protect you from the world’s most famous supervillains, or be able to skillfully protect you from the world’s tiniest pests, but when it comes to the Human Pests that just won’t Stop Bugging You, Ben’s Bitter Human Pest Control will protect you from the mildest of annoyances with the biggest of destruction.

What are you biggest human pests? What would be your cure?




25 thoughts on “Pest Control for Humans

  1. The one bothering me is the person who asks if anything’s going on, and seems to understand my statement that I’m busy with a particular thing right now, and then goes on asking for my attention, even after I reiterate that I am busy with this particular thing right now.


    • Yes, those people. When they you with your hand on your face in deep concentration and they still don’t realize that you are busy right now. For them, it’s like you need some sort of detector over your head to tell them very blantanly that you are busy.


  2. Mean people. 😦 Mean people who like to slander other people behind their backs and love nothing more than to see other people fail, or say the wrong thing, or wear the wrong clothes, or anything else imperfect. Mean people who spread lies to ruin other people’s reputations. Meanness just stinks.


  3. Drama Queens! I. Hate. Drama. Queens. The adult-sized ones are the worst because they still act like they are in high school but they run around insisting that they are grownups. Please, please Bitter Ben, dethrone the drama queens!


    • I have three in my department. Grown women that love to be sick all the time and then talk about how they were sick or to justify why they had to be gone. All kinds of made up illnesses. I swear I’m going to be like Dwight and was it Andy when they went to Daryl’s house to see if he really was sick. I can guarantee they were never sick as many times as they claimed. And I’m going to post about it one day too.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Bitter Ben! That’s why I’m so glad you’re around to protect us. I only wish that you had posted a picture of yourself in that blue suit!! By the way, everyone knows the opposite of Cheetos is celery. Duh!


  5. The ‘Busy’ bees – These people always text you first but when you reply, they don’t respond. And when you ask them whether they want to hang out, they say that they’re ‘busy’, but in reality, they just don’t want to hang out with you.
    Ramexa’s cure: Get away from these people. ASAP.


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