In order to build a wall you need hard work, determination, drive and I think materials. I don’t have any of those things. When you are bitter like me, you will sometimes attract people that are happy that want to try to change you. Usually people like that do a lot of talking. I know lots of people that can carry both sides of a conversation, which would be great if I didn’t have to be around to hear either one of them. That is like double tourture or like having to hear twice as many people. Because as you all know more than 1 other person might as well be a meeting and you know how I feel about meetings. I don’t.
I may not be able to build a wall in my house that could hold up a piece of paper, but if you measure the strength of the emotional wall I’ve built up over the years, a Wrecking Ball a Mile(y) long wouldn’t be able to break it up.
So if you want to be like me(you don’t) then listen closely to my brick by brick advice on how to avoid your Big Bad Wolf.
Brick #1: Be emotionally unavailable. Many talkers/doers will try to find out your emotions. They will want talk about how going to the store felt, or how being at your in-laws house for two weeks will feel to you. Don’t bite. Once they get just a little bit, they will want to talk about their feelings and hug and stuff. Mix up some concrete, let that thing dry and don’t let anything seep between those bricks in your head.
Brick #2: Learn the art of ignorage. This is a hard one at first, but with a little practice and conditioning others will learn to not even try with you. My favorite method is video games. Fire up the old 60 inch television with a nice loud, surround sound, some eye blasting 1080p pixel perfection and enter a completely different blissful world where you are the only one that can save a dying planet. There is no way you can pause this thing, because YOU are the only hope. Now you just need to convince others around you to accept that. The other thing that helps are headphones. Always have them on, whether at work, in the car or at home. There is nothing more off putting to talkers, then when they think you can’t hear them. Music is optional. If someone does try to talk to you, pull off your headphones and say, “What?” really loudly, then put them quickly back on. After a few of those with your long talker, they will grow so frustrated with you that they will be desperate enough to talk to Check Cell Phone Every 30 Second Guy.
Brick #3: Practice the art of mind vacations. This one is hard to pull off at first in a social situation, but with practice you can spend an entire conversation in Hawaii. Novices will want to practice in a safe environment called a meeting. Especially one where lots of long talkers are involved. In a meeting you will need to be confident in a few key phrases like “Things are going really well”, or “our key demographics are starting to buy in certain categories”, or “our next trimester is going smoothly”. After learning your Hawaiian dodge, dip and dive in meetings you will start to be able use it other places like performance reviews, parties and family get togethers.
Brick #4: Sleep a lot. People usually ignore you when you are sleeping. Though one time my boss didn’t like when I had imprints of my computer monitor on my face when I had a meeting with her.
Brick #5: Practice negative body language. Learn the art of the blank stare, the eye roll, the slack jawed look, the head tilt, the heavy sigh, impatient clock look, the finger tap, the I’m busy concentrating on computer, cell phone, tablet, or laptop focus, the huh expression, the hold your hand over your ear thing, the fake tic, the listening to music/pretending to be on the phone say it again thing, the bluetooth headset insult, or the most effective, mouth saying out loud to someone “Leave me alone!” thing.
Add some mortar of indecision, indecisiveness and speculation and you’ve got a nice solid, sturdy, don’t mess with me wall. Well, you need a lot more bricks and a lot more mortar, but I’m not giving you everything. If you want the whole wall, you’ll need to sign up for that class at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness. And that costs a lot of money.
Bitter Brick Ben
- Bitter Gift Friday Pictures (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Exercise Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)