Just the other day I was taking the morning off from cramming stuff into my piehole, when I heard my stomach rumble.  It was quiet at first, but then it started getting louder.  I ignored it.  Five minutes later, it was scaring the neighbors, but I didn’t care.  I was ignoring it like I was ignoring work.  Something was clearly more important.  It was either the highlights on ESPN, or an important comment on the blog that I was answering.  Either way, stomach just needed to calm down.  He started roaring again.  Then he couldn’t be ignored any longer.

Stomach: DUDE! STOP IGNORING ME!

Bitter Ben: Who is that?

The people in cubicle look at me a little strangely, but ignore me.  They are used to me talking to people on the phone like that.

S: Who do you think? It’s your stomach.

BB: What is this, a bad movie premise? Excuse me, but I don’t think you’re supposed to talk.

S:You’re excused.  But I wouldn’t have to keep saying that if you would feed me better stuff.

BB: What are you talking about?

S: You know, like pizza, cheese, hamburgers, hot dogs?

BB: That stuff is delicious.  Why is it that you are the only one that doesn’t like that? My mouth loves it, my brain loves it, my eyes love it, my arms love lifting it into my mouth, even my esophagus is down with it.

S: But all of them don’t have to deal with it.  It’s always upsetting me.

BB: Well you need to chill then.  Go with the flow.  Just send the bad stuff out, keep the good stuff.  You know, how the brain does.

S: You’re right. The brain does keep the good stuff.  The rest he sends out of your mouth.  He hasn’t let an intelligent thought come to you since the 80’s.

BB: At least he’s not a diva like you.  He can accept a pizza and some soda without crying like a little baby.

S: Do you have any idea how much work it is to process even a piece of pizza and all those bubbles from the soda? Do you ever wonder why I’m so big?

BB: Well, work harder then.  Are my legs big? Or my arms? Or my brain? No, because they are doing their jobs. How about you work out a little?

S: I can’t workout.  I’m stuck in the middle of you, usually staring at your workstation all day. And you are either sending me garbage all day, or starving the heck out of me.

BB: You know, you can work out while I’m sitting around.  You don’t have to wait for me to get up and move.  I hate to point it out AGAIN, but legs and arms are always moving even when I’m sitting at the desk.  You on the other hand, just making gurgling noises.  How about you stop being so lazy and let the abs come out and visit.  I heard he likes pizza too.

S:He does, but he is so vain. He’s always trying to lift the shirt so everyone can see him.  Have you seen his buddies on those workout commercials? Always tanning and oiling themselves.

BB: Can you blame him? He’s been hidden inside that Astrodome jail you built from all your laziness.

S: Well, like I said if you could send some dark green leafy lettuce, or some kale, then chances are abs would come out and play.

BB: Come on now.  You’re telling me that everyone; mouth, taste buds, esophagus, and brain all have to suffer so you don’t have to work as hard? Don’t you think that sound a little selfish? If you had any idea how that stuff tasted, you wouldn’t make us do it.  Trust me.  For once, how about thinking about the rest of us?

S: But it’s so much woooorkkk. And the lemonade and all that acidy stuff…

BB: Now stomach, there you go rumbling again.  Just stop.  If you have one more outburst like that, I’m sending you to your room. Do you understand me? The only one that gets to be lazy around here is me.  Now get back to work getting rid of all the bad stuff and let abs out.

S: I’m just so tired of mouth getting what he wants all the time.  What about my needs?

BB: Stomach, come on.  Pizza has all the 4 major food groups.  Cheese, crust, pepperoni and zesty tomato paste.  What more could you ask for?

S: Um, I don’t think those things are the 4 major food groups…

BB: Look at it this way.  You know what a credit card is right? It’s a magical plastic card that allows you to buy whatever you want and you never have to pay it back.

S: Actually that’s not true.  You have to pay it back monthly.  And with interest.

BB: I think you’re missing the point.  Let me put it this way.  I never have to pay it back.  Someone does.  But not me.  Do you get what I’m saying?

S: Not really.

BB: It’s like when I eat food, I can eat whatever I want.  And I should never have to suffer for it.

S: I know. I have to suffer.

BB: Exactly.  But you’re the stomach.  You need to get back to work.  Take that food and start sending it places.  But only the stuff we need.  And let abs come out to play.  He’s been in jail way too long.  And if you want to see what kale looks like, the eyes will be glad to take a picture of it at the grocery store and post it on his Instagram account, Eyeseewhatyoudidthere.  Alright?

S: Fine.  But I want to be able to actually taste the pizza for once instead having to get rid of it all the time.

BB: I’m sure that can be arranged. Now if we’re done here, I have a birthday tomorrow, so I’ve got a lot of work to do on my big birthday post.  It will be 42 Things I’m Bitter about.  Also, I’m gonna be sending cake down there and I’m gonna need that digested a little quicker. Alright?

S: Okay.

BB: It’s your birthday tomorrow too, so I might light a candle and send it down…

S: No, don’t….WAIT!

 

BB: Gotta go. Later.

Stomach: ARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Bitter Tasting Stomach Ben