I’m sure you’ve all seen the recent Marvel movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, which is about a small team of unlikely and really bitter
idiots superheros that somehow come together AS A TEAM to save the Galaxy from getting destroyed by some random evil villain like person. I figure if those idiots could save the ENTIRE GALAXY, that I could at least save one planet. Of course, if you’ve met me, or listened to me drone on and on about how lazy I am, you would probably know that if it can’t be saved by microwavication, or by eating pizza or pushing the easy button, I’m pretty sure I’m too lazy to not only not save earth, I don’t even think I could save my home state of South Dakota, and really why would you? There are less people that live there than the metropolitan areas of most of the cities that most of you live in. If South Dakota is the only thing I save in the entire world, then we would have maybe enough corn and wheat to survive, but you would have to teach the people there (northern rednecks) how to tauk gud. The problem being that if I saved it in winter, they wouldn’t even know that they were the last people on the planet until late May when everything thaws. (By the way, if you are one of the few people from my home state that read this, just pretend I was making fun of North Dakota. Vice Versa for you North Dakotians. It’s called sarcasm, which you may not have learned in your kindergarten to 12th grade schoolhouse.)
Since our Galaxy isn’t in danger(maybe it is, but I don’t notice, cause I only care about myself.), I hopped on Spacebook and favorited the GOTGG (Guardians of the Galaxy Gang) Fan Page. After a little persuasion (some pub on this blog) they agreed to protect the Bendromeda Galaxy. Since the only defense I have are defense mechanisms and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with them because I’m not mechanical, I hired the people that are best at “defending the galaxy” to protect mine.
Let me introduce you to this guy here named Star Lord. You might have also know him as Peter Quill. He’s originally from a planet a lot of you are not familiar with called Earth. His mother died right before he was abducted, so sometimes he’s sad, he still listens to 80’s music and he found this really cool glowing orb that everyone keeps trying to steal. He’s not sure what all the fuss is about because he was just going to use it to play some baseball. He has been asked to keep my denial intact. Mine needs a lot of defending because I have already taken over the world, have won 5 NBA championships and live in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Not because I want to be anywhere near psychotic celebrities, but because the sun shines all the time in LA, especially at night. By the way, there is no such thing as smog there, and the beaches are totally peaceful and serene and crystal clear. If all those things are to remain true to me, Star Lord must fight against all the haters that are either realistic or who are from the evil land of common sense.
This tiny furry critter here is Rocket the Racoon – He is a con man(uh, con raccoon) who happens just happens to be searching for the orb thing that Star Lord has. He’s been locked up in just about every prison in the galaxy, and with that experience has also broken out of every single one to. His favorite color is orange for obvious reasons and a lot of people say he sounds almost exactly like Bradley Cooper. He’s in charge of protecting my Acting Out defense mechanism. Clearly the world has not paid enough attention to my blog and other endeavors, so I have devised a way to act out to get the attention that I so richly deserve. I have a planned tantrum that will be taking place on the news later, that will go viral and will teach all of you insignificant fools to pay attention to my every whim. Then, as soon as you start paying too much attention to me, I will make impassioned pleas to the media to leave me and my myself alone at this difficult time. Mr. Rocket will make these devious cries for attention go smoothly.
This is Gamora. She is a princess, and the adopted daughter of Thanos, the guy that is trying to destroy the universe. She may or may not have daddy issues, and just like sage Kermit or Yoda said, it’s not easy being green. Also it’s not easy being the daughter of a psychotic overlord that wants to destroy the universe. That being said, I’ve asked her to be the guardian of my Intellectualization. I know you are probably laughing at this one, because you have to actually know stuff to use that defense mechanism, but you should know that I have access to Google and Wikipedia, and sometimes I look up stuff to appear smarter. And whenever I feel defensive, I pull out some random facts from Web MD and start telling doctors what to do. Whenever they question my wild fact assumptions, I just use my avoidance technique called Homering. It works almost every time. And if it doesn’t I have the backing of one green space princess, so don’t mess with my intellect.
Meet Drax the Destroyer. His family was killed by that dude Thanos (such a stirrer of trouble, that Thanos), so of course he wants revenge and who better to get it on by the adopted daughter. He was never a fan of Kermit or daughters of evil guys that kill his family. He is also known for his ability to not understand sarcasm. Many humans also lack this vital skill, but he took it to another level. This is why I have entrusted Drax to defend perhaps my most valuable and well honed defense mechanism humor. This needs the most protection as you might know, because without it, how would I used the highest form of comedy, the pun, against my worst enemies. How would I be able to combat the ignorant and pathetic without my sharp wit and biting sarcasm. Without these, I would have little defense against the idiots of the world.
Last and perhaps weirdest is this undergrown tree looking dude that drinks water from fountains and spouts magical fireflies named Groot. He is Rocket the Racoon’s sidekick, he is only familiar with one phrase, and he is an excellent dancer. When you look at him, you think peace and harmony, and being one with nature, but he buries his batitude and bad guys underneath that woody exterior like bad guys try to bury him (you know his roots in the ground.) He is perfect for guarding my sublimation defense mechanism, burying my deep anger and bitterness in the ground, while I try to act like a civilized human being. But just as Groot, hides under that innocent wooden look only to be a surprise the others at the end with some full on aggression towards those that are threatening his friends, I will also be unleashed one day to take over this world with my sound and fury, signifying something.
The Guardians have done well, guarding my defense mechanisms and will continue to hide in the shadows for when evil amateur psychologists threaten my bitter way of life. There is no more evil in the universe than those who try to bring out my deep internal issues and try to make me whole. For now, the Bitter Bendramada Galaxy is safe.
Or is it…
Bitter Bendramada Ben